We have been together for 3 years and he proposed to me recently. I had some suspicion that a coworker of his had been getting more animated more open for example with him recently when I met her on the off chance when I was introduced to her at a sports bar. I had a nightmare of sorts that I felt so compelled to actually see if he had started any type of development of a friendship outside of work with her. And this was very random, it’s a very much like a what the he’ll type of moment and dream but left me very disturbed. I’d only met her once. I looked through his phone just to see if he had her number, for reference he usually is really good about telling me these things. And to be fair this past month had been very stressful for him that we had been very busy and trying to get some together and relaxing time, not thinking about work when home. Which may be why he hadn’t brought it up and forgot. He later mentioned that he was ashamed and felt guilty after I told him, I felt hurt about this.

It just felt odd how engulfed in the conversation he was with her and her with him. We both work in healthcare and it’s normal for us to share our compassion in a more open way than in other professions and our helpfulness and friendliness,when needed. I love my partner and he has had problems with setting transparency boundaries with women as we have graduated from dating to serious and then committed and we have really worked on getting better and better on this. I was upset he did not tell me he had gotten her number and there was no real reason to have sought building a relationship with her as she is an indirect coworker and not a fellow colleague. As I told him my concerns and I confessed that I had looked through his phone, he got defensive. I had a huge conversation about transparency and how I need to know when things are developing more seriously with female friends. I understand his need to have them also so I am not against him having them, I just like him to let me know if he senses anything that’s fishy. Well he admitted he liked the ego high of getting her attention but like I said he is committed to me and he really wanted to drop it there. I made a point to talk about how the number was received and found out some startling information that made my partner realize that his coworker is not as innocent as she may be in her intentions. I don’t know if everyone likes this level of transparency or needs it but that is what I am used to and I’m sorry if others have a different way of looking at being open but I hope people can see where I’m comming from.

Apparently my partner counseled her on a grief event when he saw her upset at work. Prior to the contact exchange. He is a professional in his field. I am totally okay with this, the reason he didn’t tell me what happened -is he didn’t want to worry me and I told him , please evaluate your ego high- that he explained he recieved a bit of and was guilty of when helping women but for some reason not as much men. He admitted to feeling just a little more satisfaction for the feeling of just believing himself a lot more helpful by her behavior and her increased attention recently.

Now there was no cheating involved but I told him that in our point of commitment that we need to be careful where we are wanting attention from or fueling attention from. I got upset in the first place because apparently he had shared a location with her that he had made a really big date for me in text and said that he sent it to her because she asked. They were talking about plans and there were multiple people discussing their weekend events. Now you know this is normal but my partner is usually only on texting level with people he tells me about on a consistent basis so that’s why I really felt the need to discuss this. We actually had been talking about the location ourselves verbally around the same time and as he described the event , I remember looking for it on my found before he sent it to me. Which I found easily through a google search. He just wanted me to have the same visual to make sure I was looking at the same event as him. So when he told me he sent it to her because she asked I wondered why she feels the need to ask my partner who is committed to send her something that is easily found through online search.

Like I said before he had some more in depth conversation with her prior to this and some more small talk about her future career goals but somehow it feels she interpreted those conversations as okay to now directly commanding my partner. And I say that Becuase he told me he sent it to her because she told him to and he felt like he didn’t have an option. He didn’t want to be rude but also felt like it was a little out of place and didn’t want other people to see him as rude because of course he has been seen being quite kind and responsive to his team at work.

He expressed that the woman felt grief over someone she had no connection to by blood but part of her church and an older man. My partners female coworker is 6 years our junior. She wanted assistance on how to help the man who was a fellow church man and confident of hers from the man’s partner passing. she was feeling distraught over how the man was feeling but I don’t know how she might have had such a strong connection with them. Now I do not bash on religion but it does offer “seemingly deep connections” where I feel they wouldn’t normally be found in the normal public reality. As we don’t tend to make effort to make friends with every person at the grocery store than like church. My partner confessed that he did not know if at the time she was having trouble with knowing her boundaries on helping another person outside her family deal with grief who she has no seemingly deeper understanding of the person outside of the church veil. He didn’t understand why she was so upset if she didn’t want to visit him but felt all she could do was pray but asked my partner for advice after he noticed she was upset and asked her if she was okay. He gave her some advice and he said it felt good for his ego but he said he also had to confess that he was not sure when he would tell me this info because he was not sure if it would amount to anything. I told him fair enough. Well she ends up apparently over the course of 2 months being more open and within those two months prior to him helping her with grief , he had started talking to her a number of five times thinking he was being helpful and keeping the team vibes healthy. Well he says that he noticed her being more friendly and open more than when apparently he had been informed a year prior to her having been in a relationship which he found out about during normal office conversation. Apparently he found currently out during the 2 months up to my concern bringing its head, that she just up and told him about how now she was staying just with her family in town and had not been mentioning plans with her partner any longer. They were apparently together for at least a couple of years. When I asked my partner to walk back and tell me how he felt he had to give her his number and send her her request. He said she said it in front of everyone, so he felt he didn’t want to shut it down and be rude and she had placed her phone on the counter in his direction waiting for a response in a somewhat awkward way. He asked her verbally to okay relay her number and he would send it and she did. He did not give her his phone or get close to her. He sent it to her and that was that. But he did say looking back it felt like he should have found a way to shut it down sooner and in a kinder way before giving her any reason to think they were anything but coworkers and not developing stronger friendship or that at he had any intention of starting that with her. he told me she put the phone on the counter and turned her back which he thought maybe it was because she may have wanted to give him privacy to put in his number. Apparently this woman, becuase I do not believe she is as niave girl, it seemed expected my soon to be husband to put his contact on her phone. He got her number verbally and then never sent a text to her past that location he shared.

Am I wrong to have talked with him in depth about this?

He know feels like his eyes are more open to vague risks and it felt really hard confessing my invasion of privacy and also hearing his faults in liking his ego stroked from time to time. He says he will work on himself and at first he was upset telling me it feels like I don’t allow him to have friends but then pedaled back when I pointed out all the women and men friends he does have that I know about. He got an oh snap moment. He deleted her contact when I asked him to and he told me that he will be more firm with his boundaries because of our level of commitment to each other we have promised.

Is this what it looks like for you guys with deep conversations. Is it normal to have these type of really tough concerns come up from time to time?

How do you keep yourself mentally okay with knowing sometimes other woman will be intentional with pressing boundaries in your relationship? And I am happy with how we have communicated don’t get me wrong but I hate to admit I am so pissed that she made my partner go through this but also realize how my partner instigated the boundary blur by giving her more attention than normal compared to other coworkers.