I’ve (46F) been married to my husband (48) for over 20 years. He has 6 brothers. I get along well with all of their wives/girlfriends and we have close relationships, are usually the ones to plan things, etc. My BIL “Sam” (52) has been dating “Margaret” (52) going on 5 years now. We live close by and usually have girls’ nights or we’ll go out with our husbands.

Last fall, my husband told me that Margaret’s mom passed away. I went to call her to give my condolences but my husband told me not to, as she wanted privacy. I called Sam, just to double check, and he said “yeah, now is not a good time”. This went against my nature as I’m usually the first to call someone. But, I also didn’t want to make things harder. They told me not even to send flowers or a sympathy card. Margaret’s family lives across the country, so going to the service was not an option. I felt really weird about this. I checked in a few times to ask Sam if Margaret was in a place where I could call and he said no.

I reached out around Thanksgiving to ask Margaret about her holiday plans, if she and Sam would join the family, etc. She gave me the brush off, which I chalked up to her being in mourning. Then a couple of weeks before Christmas I reached out again, and she said they had other plans. I did manage to get her to talk more and catch up. She then slipped in “my mom passed in September”. I said I heard from my husband and Sam, and I was so sorry. She repeated “you knew?” I said yes, but both Sam and my husband had told me not to reach out to her. I said I felt weird not doing it but I also wanted to respect her privacy. I apologized several times. She didn’t say anything else. Sam never said anything about it.

Since, Margaret has barely spoken to me or my sisters-in-law. Their husbands had all told them the same thing, don’t reach out, let her mourn privately, etc. Finally, a couple of weeks ago, my sister-in-law that’s hosting Easter got a hold of Margaret and invited both her and Sam. She said they’d come. My sister-in-law then flat out asked if Margaret had ever told Sam that she didn’t want anyone reaching out. She said no, Sam took her out of context. She had said she didn’t want to make a huge announcement on social media and because Sam tends to overshare online, she asked him not to do that so she could have privacy. Sam then turned around and told all his brothers to tell their partners to keep quiet, but she had no idea. My sister-in-law apologized and tried to invite her to a dinner us girls are having. Margaret said no. She says while it’s ultimately Sam’s fault, we’re all too old for listening to our partners and should’ve known better to reach out and she isn’t sure if she trusts us now. She said we know Sam has “the emotional intelligence of a cardboard box” and should’ve known better.

I truly feel awful for ever listening to Sam. My husband feels bad, but also says that Sam meant well and what if he hadn’t been blowing things out of proportion? Then we’d still be the assholes. But I wonder if we were wrong for not reaching out.