Sorry ahead of time if this is all over the place, I have a bad physical memory so this is mostly about emotions. I (18M) and my now ex boyfriend (20M) dated for almost 2 years, and I look back on it believing it was for the most part a good relationship. When we first got together in December of 2022, we were both in really bad places mentally. He was just finished blocking his stalker ex for good (who at the time of us dating was friends with my boyfriend) because at that point the guilt tripping texts from him had made my boyfriend actually physically ill and unable to work at his job. He was dealing with heavy drug addiction, medically neglectful parents, and a horrible minimum wage job. As for me, I had just begun to heal from yet another abusive relationship, and had dropped out of school for my mental health that same year due to bullying. All that is to say, it was shocking how kind we were to each other given our situations, and we really were treating each others' wounds and building each other up again.

Our relationship obviously had very high highs, and very low lows. We both dealt with extreme mental health issues, and even developed new disorders as we were together in the processing of our traumas (I won't share his for privacy, but I developed bipolar 2). Some distinct highs were us breaking long distance for the first time about 6 months after being together, which made my first real life committed relationship. We had 2 more visits after that, and both were great, but the last one was telling on how things were going personally and relationship-wise. He was dealing with heavy withdrawal symptoms and his physical health was getting worse, not to mention his parents in constant screaming matches and entirely apathetic to his struggles. I was honestly healing pretty well personally though, but because of his struggles surmounting, I was getting less and less affection and basic needs being met like being talked to often and having time spent with me. Over the first year, I had completely turned a new leaf, going from insecure and crying all the time to confident and taking a leadership role in our heavy talks and calming him down.

It felt to me, though, that he was staying exactly where we started, at least in terms of how much he was giving me. He would go through heavy episodes of abandonment anxiety, even forcing us to break up at one point as self sabotage. We got back together a few weeks later, and that was in May of last year. A month later was our final IRL visit, a week of summer spent together. It was good, all things considered, but I distinctly remember the majority of it being where he was in a very depressed mood and avoiding me, despite us sleeping in the same bed, eating the same food, etc.

At one point, his father pulled him aside while we had been hanging out at his pool, and told him I wasn't the one. So, obviously, he wasn't under the best influence even without considering his current state.

Fast forward to September and it had been months since I had felt secure and happy in the relationship. I had been asking for an actual year at this point for him to step up the affection, set up dates for us, plan literally anything, make me a gift, you know. Normal relationship stuff. It felt like he was barely there. Unfortunately, things only got worse from then on.

His anger issues started festering a lot more for some reason, and he took it out on me. I wouldn't call it abuse, more that he was overwhelmed. He'd blow up at me with jealousy, started looking through my social media and deleting comments I made if he disapproved of them, try to control me really. He'd get so angry and say awful things to me, but I almost always managed to calm him down because I was confident I could talk him down because I know him so well.

I outlasted the anger issues, and he eventually apologized and said we should break up so that I wouldn't have to deal with it. Now, to clarify why I stayed, you must know I have a terrible martyr complex. I absolutely cannot live knowing someone I care about is suffering knowing I could fix it, even if it kills me in the process. Thus, I said no and that I'd stay through it all.

That lasted about 2 months before shit happened again. All he did was play video games with his friends (who weren't mutual friends, so I couldn't join because he never told me when he was doing it until it was too late, and never invited me). He would ignore my texts for days and then give me a random update about his friends being in drama, or vent about his situation. He wouldn't call me anything affectionate, wouldn't initiate any sort of romance or intimacy, and wouldn't offer to even spend time with me. I talked to him about it, yet again I got the same old "I'll try" and then nothing. There's a lot more I could say but this is long enough.

The camel's back finally broke when I spoke to some new friends about the relationship, lamenting about how unhappy I was. These people were very persistent that I break up with him immediately. When I finally caved a few days later and broke up with him, he obviously didn't handle it well and accused me of lying and not listening to his struggles. I blocked him right then and there, and it felt great at the time. I was able to relax, not worry about when he'd text me next for fear of it making me sick to my stomach or whether I had to hide my search history if I wanted to look up something entirely innocuous.

Over time, the feeling soured, because I worried about how what I did affected him considering his position. I broke no contact, and he told me eventually that while I was gone he had started drinking alcohol, relapsed on nicotine, and was doing extremely self destructive things. I can't describe the pain I felt. Not just as someone still deeply in love, but as someone who officially failed to save. Not to mention the fact that his literal biggest fear had been me abandoning him, and I went through with it right then and there.

Our friendship now is tentative. He told me at first that he was willing to get back together if I waited for him, and he lead me on for a month or two more before telling me he did not want a relationship with me or anyone ever again. Crushing, obviously. I've been trying to see what boundaries lie where lately, since he was very vague about what's okay and not okay before he dropped that we can only be friends.

The way I feel about him now is extremely mixed. On the one hand, I love him so much it hurts, and I want to be with him and prove that I'm worth being with again, and prove that I can make it better. On the other, he treats me so poorly. He barely texts me every few days, never ever prioritizes me, never lets me open up but vents to me constantly, never invites me to hang out even when I ask him to, and never initiates anything other than showing some funny moments he had with his friends or venting about how they're all terrible (they are all actually terrible). Despite this, I feel like leaving him would be the absolute worst move. I never want to harm someone like I did him, and I never want to even think about what could happen if I left right now. I find myself yearning for the early days of our relationship when it was as simple as "I love you, let's heal each other" and not whatever is going on now.

I'm so torn. I have two questions, now. One, the title, was I the asshole for blocking him? Two, what should I do now?