I'd like to start by saying this is a same-sex relationship. My partner (29M) and I (22M) have been together for about a year and a half. Things have gotten really emotionally difficult lately, and we've had a lot of fights. I’m starting to feel drained, confused, and like I might be the one in the wrong — so I’m here to get some perspective.

In January of this year, my partner told me he had cheated on me. It really hurt, but after he came clean, he said he wanted to try an open relationship because he doesn’t like feeling restricted and wants the freedom to explore. I was hesitant at first, but I agreed to try it, on the condition that we set clear boundaries and see how it feels. I found that I was surprisingly okay with the open setup — I liked the sense of freedom — but I did need certain boundaries to feel safe and secure. He agreed to them at the time.

Shortly after, we went on a trip through Thailand, Sri Lanka, and Malaysia — a big deal for me because it was also the first time he was meeting my family (who flew in from Europe to Sri Lanka). Before the trip, I told him I wanted us to remain monogamous during it. I didn't want the focus of our trip to be on hooking up, especially not while with my family.

He didn’t really respond seriously to that request and kept joking about hooking up. When we got to Thailand, he told me directly that he wanted to hook up. I said I wasn’t comfortable — I wanted to just enjoy the trip and our time together. He told me I wasn’t giving a good enough reason and that I wasn’t listening or trying to understand his needs. He also said that we “weren’t doing anything else anyway,” and if I wanted something different, I should’ve planned an itinerary or come up with something to do. We fought about it, and eventually I gave in — not because I was okay with it, but because I didn’t want to keep fighting. That dynamic repeated throughout the trip: I’d ask for boundaries, he’d push, we’d fight, and I’d give in just to avoid more conflict.

After we got back, he wanted to join a hookup app. I told him I wasn’t comfortable with that either, especially because he’d used those apps in our city before, and I was worried he wouldn’t stick to the rules we had agreed on. He ended up going on the app anyway, and when I found out, he said again that he hates feeling restricted — that restriction makes him want to explore even more, because he "can’t control himself." I ended up allowing the app, because again, I didn’t want to fight.

But even with the app, I still feel uneasy. I don’t know if he’s staying within our boundaries. He says I don’t understand him. Maybe I don’t. But it hurts.

Most recently, we had a fight that really shook me. I’ve been working on a partner visa application with him — a huge, stressful thing for me — and I asked him to come home after his work drinks to help me finalise some documents. Instead, he gave me an ultimatum: he said he needed to go cruising (hooking up), and if he didn’t, he wouldn’t be “useful” to me because it would be all he could think about. That felt like a punch in the gut. This application has been consuming me for months, and it meant a lot to have his support — just for that one evening. But he chose cruising instead.

When I brought it up later, he said that when the urge comes, he has to act on it. I understand people have needs, but it made me feel so secondary. Like I’m not even his priority when I need him the most.

I know I’m emotional. I know I have a habit of saying "no" too quickly without fully listening to him. I bottle things up instead of talking them through. But I feel like I’ve compromised again and again, and I still end up being made to feel like the bad guy. He tells me I’m controlling, or that I don’t get him. And yet, it always feels like we slowly move more and more toward what he wants.

So… AITA for feeling this way? For not being able to fully support the open relationship? For wanting more consideration and fewer ultimatums?