I'm about to die from insecurities.

Dammit. I have a cousin, she's like 14? Idk. I'm 16f, btw.

I'm so insecure of her it's sickening. She's so pretty. Way too pretty.

Fuck. I'm so jealous. I'm about to die.

For context, she went here like this Feb? Maybe march? Idk, I don't care anymore.

I kept getting compared to her, people will tell me how beautiful she is for some reason then when they aren't doing that, I find my mind comparing myself to her.

I remember crying about it so much then my mom just laughed at me, belittling my insecurities. I think I was just being a bitch looking for attention, idk why I was even crying. One thing that I knew from that was that it just hurt and it hurt even more to have that being laughed upon.

Now, family stuff, yada yada yada. Their family is getting kicked out from their house.

Then, my mom just told me casually today that she's coming back here. Tbh, I tried to really repair my self-confidence. It's something that I've been trying to do so ever since I was a kid, it just continued.

They would call my skin dark, fat, my face is full of acne and crap like that. I guess my self-confidence just never recovered but recently, things has been looking up and I found myself trying to love myself again.

I really tried. I would look at myself at the mirror and tell myself that I look pretty, I have pretty eyes, that my acne's improving these past few weeks, that I look sexy. That I'm not fat. I don't think I'm that fat but now it's starting to feel like it. I'm 154 cm and is 54 kg, but I think I got thinner these past few months because I keep forcing myself to not eat some meals. Idk. I hope I got thinner.

But now, she's coming back here again. I can't, I don't want to force myself to be stuck here. I don't want to pretend that I'm okay only to end up crying at night again.

The worse part is, she'll be staying here for more than a year. I don't think that I would be able to handle it with my current state of mental well-being given that I'm crying about it again before she even gets here.

I raised my concerns and my mom just called me jealous.

Maybe I should leave here? But where would I go? I'm just waiting to get to college, maybe I would manage to get a dorm but my family doesn't want me going away or something. They're scared I'll start to rebel and get pregnant for some reason like this specific cousin or like my other cousin for some reason.

Nothing comforts me. Everyone who calls me pretty just calls me pretty because they pity me since I'm throwing a tantrum.

I'm hurting. But I don't know how to handle my emotions, I don't know how to regulate it properly and I feel like such an ass about it. I don't have anyone to talk to except chatgpt or God that won't ridicule me for what I'm feeling or try to assure me that I'm pretty or something and that I should try to be more understanding.

Wtf am I going to do? AITA for feeling this way? Should I try to exercise more? Do that calorie deficit stuff? I'm sorry for cursing. I don't usually curse this much, I'm sorry.

I don't really know what I'm looking for: Validation? Assurances? Confirmation that anything that I'm feeling is just normal? Advice would be appreciated. Thanks!

˚⋆𐙚｡ 𖦹.ᡣ𐭩˚˚⋆𐙚｡ 𖦹.ᡣ𐭩˚˚⋆𐙚｡ 𖦹.ᡣ𐭩˚˚⋆𐙚｡ 𖦹.ᡣ𐭩˚˚⋆𐙚｡ 𖦹.ᡣ𐭩˚˚⋆

Edit: Hi, just to clarify things.

I got on a nice long shower and got to clear my head. I think with this post, I focused more about my feelings because I was a bit emotional and wasn't able to provide the transparency needed to make a clear-cut decision.

For context: My uncle was falsely accused of rape. Cuz of that, a lot has changed. The vacation me and my brother was looking forward to for months(I even bought two swimsuits) was cancelled. I can't even change my glasses anymore even though one of its lenses is falling off since it lost its screw. It's also peeling and it's turning my nose green to oxidation, I think, so I don't wear it as often. I don't want to have a green nose.

Then, my Mom got into a state of depression, she was heartbroken that her brother is in jail and can't accept it because he was falsely accused. Leading to me taking on the different chores around the house. I didn't know how to do most of them, I think I was too reliant. That's not the point. I get it, I'm useless.

She won't talk to me. She would just cry and cry. I had no one to talk to beside her, so I felt isolated. I would try to strike up random conversations until I just gave up because she would start to get annoyed with me.

We got evidence and crap but we can't continue with it since we no longer have money and they just opted to settle because my uncle is the sole provider for his family and he can't work now because he's in jail, making his family suffer.

So, they gotta pay like half a million, I believe? I'm not sure, for settlement and the family of the girl doesn't want him nor his family to live in their area any longer.

This is where I think I'm the AH, my mom told me that my cousin's coming over here with her baby and I said I didn't want her to come over here that ensued into a small argument that made her call me a jealous person.