Reddit,

I would love your thoughts on some of the events that have unfolded the past few months – sorry this is so long; I’m just trying to provide all relevant information to understand whether I’m being unreasonable.

My DH (30M) and I (33F) started dating in late 2022 and got legally married last summer in 2024 – our wedding is coming up later this year. I was born and raised in an Asian country that my husband was adopted from – he was adopted to a white midwestern family and he also has a younger sister that was adopted from the same country. I started living in the States as a young teenager.

DH is a midwestern boy through and through – we met on the East Coast after he moved to the city I had been in for 13 years at the time (including the time I spent in the suburbs of this city, I lived in the same state for 20 years; thought this would be relevant in explaining my cultural background). DH worked three jobs in college and had student loans (I think he said his parents pitched in $30,000 total to help him) but paid it all off himself, and went to business school (sponsored by his employer; he is back for two years to “pay them back”). We moved to the city close to the suburbs he grew up in last fall, because he felt strongly about moving back since “all of his friends” are here – he made this very clear from the time we started dating and I was open to doing long distance/moving. I found a new job to move with him.

I grew up in Asia until I started studying in the States (immediate family and most relatives are still in Asia; I travel home a couple times a year and have been doing so) – I was very privileged and had all my education paid for (from middle school to postgraduate) and I only became financially “independent” after obtaining my professional degree.

I had visited and spent quite a bit of time at my in-laws leading up to this incident – there were things I didn’t understand, but I had brushed many of them off and thought they were generally nice, easygoing people. I did feel like I was suffocating a bit when we stayed for three weeks for Christmas in 2023 (due to a one week extension of the stay) because they always wanted to do everything together, but I thought of it as a nice thing because I was very much used to doing things on my own.

The “incident” took place last summer. DH and I had just started wedding planning and had booked a venue – the next step was looking at dresses for me, and DH asked me to take his mom and his sister. I was also starting to plan for DH’s 30th in fall and thought it would be nice to do a family dinner and a surprise party with his friends. Since MIL and FIL were gone for the entire month of September, I decided the dress appointment and DH’s birthday dinner could be on the same day.

I first texted MIL – all texts verbatim:

Me: Hello! How was your weekend? Just as a quick update the immigration counsel…[this part is omitted as it’s just my personal information about immigration; but on a happier/more fun note, would you be free to go to a bridal appointment on [date] (Sat) around 3:30? I was thinking we could have a family dinner afterwards around 5:30 for [DH]’s birthday! Bridal appointments can be 1-1.5 hours so I wanted to have some wiggle room if that works for you

MIL: That sounds wonderful. Thank you for the invite. Sorry to hear you couldn’t give notice. I know you are looking forward to this being all settled.

Me: Ah that’s great! I’ll go ahead and book the bridal appt and follow up on the restaurant!!

I was texting the SIL on the side about the dresses, so I figured it would be best to coordinate with them both so I sent a group text:

Me: Hi both! Apparently they do either 2pm or 4pm for 90 min for the bridal appointment – 4pm okay so we can have a 6pm dinner?

MIL: Sure

SIL: Sounds good!

MIL: I was going to extend an invitation for [DH]’s bday dinner to a few in the family, A/B, C/D, E. Not sure if they’ll come to the city but I’ll ask and let you know.

Several questions arose in my head when I received her text:

As long as my memory permits, my family members (extended family included, except for one person that abused me – this is a whole other animal, but I lived with an aunt for two years who verbally abused me daily and actually beat me for several hours overnight when I was in eighth grade; this is relevant to the “family discussion” that will be detailed below) always asked me questions even with the simplest things; why is she telling me she’s inviting DH’s relatives, when she could have easily asked, “is it okay if we also invite A, B, C, D & E?” This was later clarified in one of the conversations with my husband, but I immediately thought, she wants me to pay for these five people too? To me, hosting a birthday dinner/party means I am paying for it. I had never been to a birthday party where I paid for my meal/activity up to this point – I always brought gifts and cards to birthday parties/dinners I have attended in the past, and it was never asked of me that I would pay for the meal/activity (or would even cross my mind). I had also paid for several meals for DH’s families already at this point, so this was something I assumed (as you see in MIL’s text, it’s not something she asked or stated).

In that moment, I thought to myself – this is his 30th and first birthday back in this midwestern city, do I just let it go? But there was so much more than this act I was experiencing, Including a few other things in the background:

1. For Easter Weekend a few months before this incident, MIL asked DH to fly home and was upset when he said no (this was before we were engaged/married); we did a low-key weekend trip to a city about three hours away from where we lived at the time and DH lied to MIL about what we did that weekend and I didn’t understand why;
2. A couple months before this incident, MIL asked DH to fly back and dog sit while MIL and FIL visit Napa, and I didn’t understand why she couldn’t ask one of her neighbors (she frequently hosts neighborhood parties) or get a dogsitter – MIL also specifically wanted him to fly during the week to fit MIL and FIL’s travel schedule, which DH gets stressed about due to his demanding job (he flies frequently for work but his coworkers are obviously understanding of that). DH flew back to dog sit and accommodated her schedule;
3. MIL and FIL didn’t seem to understand what DH’s work schedule is like, even though DH lived at home during COVID (working the same job as now before business school) – there is no set start/end time, and after seeing him work several (which is an understatement) weeks working 80, 100 hours, whenever we visited, they were always confused and frustrated that he couldn’t sometimes sit with them for dinner or sit outside to chat after dinner;
4. DH asked me if I will be asking MIL to my wedding dress appointments, because that is the norm and she will be hurt if I don’t (when he asked, I had gone to one appointment with a friend and two appointments by myself – I am very independent and didn’t even think of this as all my friends who had gotten married recently went with their moms and/or sisters and friends);
5. MIL apparently got into a fight with DH about something unrelated and during their phone conversation, she said, “why can’t you see that I am hurting? Your dad is a good man but I can’t rely on him. You are the only person I can rely on.” I was flabbergasted when I heard this, on top of so many things I had seen up till that point; and
6. Generally, DH is very involved and helps MIL and FIL with countless things – DH moves his calls around to join doctors appointments/calls for FIL, MIL calls DH to figure out all tech-related things (MIL’s sisters call DH as well) and expects him (and me) to cook and do chores around their house when we visit.

My family background is very different – as noted earlier, I started living away from home as a young teenager. Of course, my parents never expected me to fly home for a weekend for something given the distance and travel time, and I missed out on a lot of important family events/milestones. Even if I could come home and chose not to, I never had to lie to my parents about going elsewhere (for spring break in college, as an example), because I wanted to travel with friends – they were always onboard with what I wanted to do, and supported me with ample amount of resources. I never asked for money and was frugal – I kept spreadsheets detailing my expenses and always thought carefully before making any purchases or plans. My parents also never asked me of anything – they were never someone I had to take care of. I did nice things for them and never caused any trouble growing up because I was grateful for everything they have done for me. My entire life, my parents are people I relied on for guidance – not people I had to babysat.

I talked to two of my closest friends before responding, one of which has an American/white mother in law – and what she said struck me (she also knew about the “background” info above). “This woman will take a mile if you give her an inch – don’t let her do that. You will be setting the wrong tone moving forward and she will always expect you to do everything her way.”

I called DH to see what his thoughts were, but he was in meetings and could not talk at the time (so I sent texts, which just said “fyi” with screenshots of the texts I sent MIL and the separate thread with MIL and SIL copied above).

So after exchanging a few texts with the said friend, I responded as the following: “I was actually imagining the dinner in [the city we live in] to be an intimate dinner for his birthday with just immediate family – maybe if you’re envisioning more people or a larger group do you think it would make sense for you to host in [suburb where MIL and FIL live]?” No response from MIL.

Once DH was done with meetings he called me and hadn’t seen my texts to him yet and he immediately responded “she wouldn’t have done that – she should have asked you first. I will talk to her.”

Turns out he was just trying to “de-escalate” when he actually agreed with MIL. He proceeded to tell me “why do they need permission from you for my birthday dinner? It’s not like you are planning a banquet.”

Series of frustrating discussions ensued, and I continued to plan for the surprise birthday party DH didn’t know about – SIL was one of the first people I invited. A week before the surprise party, SIL texted me saying that she could no longer come to the surprise party, because MIL asked her to plan for E’s baby shower for her daughter in law. I was livid, thinking MIL wanted to ruin everything – but it turned out SIL lied. She never explained why to me (when she called to tell me she lied, she just kept on saying her mother didn’t do anything wrong and that she’s working on having a better relationship with her and that she shouldn’t have lied), but DH later explained that she was probably stressed about the 20-person guest list I put together as she doesn’t like large groups. Apparently MIL suggested we cancel the bridal appointment and DH’s birthday dinner because things were “too awkward” – I disagreed as I wanted him to have a nice time. MIL and FIL then suggested we have a “family discussion” before the appointment and dinner, which I agreed to.

The family “discussion” unfolded as the following:

MIL sat to my left (head of the table) and FIL sat in front of me. MIL opened the conversation by going on and on about how DH is a godsend and a blessing to all of us, and this is verbatim: “we decided to honor you because he (DH) chose you.” She proceeded to say “think of how much we have done for you” (I later asked DH about this because literally all I could think of was MIL and FIL taking us to Costco once before we had our membership – maybe she was thinking of everything she did for her godsend of a son but I really didn’t know what she was talking about and DH didn’t know either) and “it was just a conversation and we were bouncing ideas off of you. We don’t need your permission to invite family. I am [DH]’s mother. I did nothing wrong and I stand by it.”

FIL, with a face as red as a tomato and ready to explode (he’s not a small man – probably around 6/6’1” and was a metal worker previously), pointed fingers at me. He said “This is not about you. But you made it about YOU (pointing fingers)”

They then proceeded to point out how much anxiety SIL experienced the past few months (completely ignoring the fact that she lied). Never once did they acknowledge my feelings (this is a fact that DH also agrees with).

This was a jarring experience to say the least. There were fillers where MIL said “we love you so much and we worked so hard to welcome you into the family with open arms.” The countless pictures I took for the four of them that do not include me say otherwise. There were so many things I wanted to say in response, but my goal was to not ruin DH’s birthday weekend. So I said I was sorry and that I’m not used to being told what to do. I also pointed out that the only person that told me to do things was the aunt I lived with that abused me, and MIL audaciously responded, “Well, [my name], you have to break the cycle and move on!”

Who are you to tell me to move on from my trauma that still haunts me? I have been working with therapists since 2013 because of this and have had some severe difficulties with my mother for not standing by my side. I wanted to walk out when the large white man sitting in front of me looked like he wanted to strike me, and this was another blow. I was angry but I kept quiet and didn’t say anything for my DH. DH sat through all of this and didn’t say anything.

We proceeded to go to the bridal appointment and to dinner (I was going to initially pay for the whole dinner but split it with my FIL and let him do so after the incident). The surprise party for DH was a huge success and he was very touched (I paid for the activity, dinner and drinks for all 20 attendees). Things had been quiet the following few months but I was of course still very angry. I was seeing my therapist at least once a week and DH and I also tried couples’ therapy but we paused when my dad passed away unexpectedly earlier this year. I wasn’t thinking too much about the “incident” for a couple months but then DH asked if it would be okay for him to pay for MIL and FIL to live in Florida for a few months. FIL has lung-related health issues and being in warmer weather helps him, so I didn’t even ask how much and said of course. A week after DH asked me about that, he said MIL and FIL wanted to pay for our rehearsal dinner – initially I said that’s nice of them, but again, I’m exhausted all the time and wasn’t thinking too much about it at the time. Another week passes by and I’m a bit confused – if they can’t afford to pay for Florida, where are they getting the money for rehearsal dinner?

So the following week, I ask my DH how much he is giving them and he says 2,300. I’m even more confused about the amount (DH had mentioned that they have good pension etc. so I was surprised they needed that, which is much more than the pension they were getting each month). Turns out there was miscommunication and it was 2,300 a month for several months for the foreseeable future (the figure DH used was 12,000 but this is ongoing - he also buys very expensive gifts for his family regularly (he does well for himself and is happy doing so - the dog alone was $5k and several of the major appliances in the in laws’ home were gifts from my DH)). I just didn’t understand why and how they were offering to pay for the rehearsal dinner that was going to cost at least 4,000 – and the timing of it. It’s not like we just decided to have a rehearsal dinner last month – this had always been planned once we decided to have a wedding. DH initially said “they’re probably putting money aside” so I said “what money are they putting aside if they cannot afford their current lifestyle?” then he responded “maybe they will draw it from their retirement account” so I asked how much – I don’t feel comfortable sharing that as it is not my account, but 4,000 would have been a significant percentage of their retirement account. So I said “I don’t feel comfortable receiving that if that’s such a large percentage of their retirement account. If they really want to, they can pay you back for Florida and pay for the rehearsal dinner on top of that. If not, I don’t feel comfortable and the maximum I would maybe even consider is like a thousand dollars.” DH then mentions how they also considered buying us a dresser from the same line of furniture we bought when we moved – but I tell him we don’t need anything and that we are not even going to have a registry because we don’t need any more “stuff” and don’t even have room in our apartment. (SIL had asked about our registry before and I told her several times we are not going to have one.)

That was the last conversation we had and he didn’t provide any updates in between – I sent my MIL a gift card for her birthday and MIL, FIL and DH all went out together for dinner in Florida while I was home in Asia taking care of a few things. Fast forward to April – we visit MIL and FIL as they are back from Florida for a couple weeks for FIL and SIL’s birthdays, and MIL and FIL “surprise” us with a $2k pots and pans set for our wedding. I’m just baffled and angry – no registry for a reason, and the money wasn’t even coming out of your pocket. Why are they being so irresponsible with their money and expecting DH to take care of them financially? DH and I got into arguments afterwards – he just thinks it was a really nice gesture and doesn’t understand why I am upset. I think it’s as simple as “you either have the money or you don’t” and he says it’s a “degree” of being able to afford certain things.

AITA?