There is a lot of background information here so I apologize for the small novel, but I have been talking about this in therapy for months and it is still really bothering me.

I, 33y women, and my girlfriend, 34y person, have been together a little over two years now, and I am completely smitten. She is the love of my life and I fully plan on asking her to marry me. We both live at home to care for sick elderly parents, and both bi-polar and have ADHD, so we both have moments where we are overstimulated and have a small meltdown. It doesn’t happen often, and we always talk about it once we calm down, and she has never once directed her outbursts at me. We have a good relationship, we communicate well, don’t take things out on each other, and for the most part we get along with most people with little issue.

She suffered multiple s3xual assaults as a child and teen, so she has a lot more trauma responses than me. Long story short, she has been living at my house for over a year now, and it really hard for her to be away from her parents so much, but she can’t go home because her assaulter was and still is staying at her parents house. Originally we were going back and forth between the two homes and just ended up at my home based on what we were working on last year, and she generally feels safer at my home due to the issues mentioned above, but we do go over to her house at least once a week if we are able, to see her parents. They are working on resolving this issue and the offender should be leaving shortly, but we’re just not super confident on when.

It is important for you all to know that I have never introduced anyone I dated to my friends or family before. I also have little to no experience with romantic relationships in general. I was starting to think I might be ace, but then I met the love of my life. I am also a very nervous awkward introvert who hates all forms of confrontation and has never had my own feelings or opinions before because I feel like my problems are less important then everyone else’s. My friend group always teased me for being innocent and getting so uncomfortable when they would sit and talk about all their s3xual conquest when I had absolutely nothing to add to the conversation. I have a s3xual side but didn’t explore it much until I met my gf. I always thought this was the playful teasing friends do, but now I wonder if they are actually concerned I’m being taken advantage of or if they actually think I’m a special idiot they adopted like a pet.

So During the first year of our relationship, I was so excited to introduce her to all of my people. My parents, my brother and sister in law, my long time friend group(my best friend of 25 years and my closest high school friends of 10 years) I talked everyone up so hard, she was so excited to meet my wonderful supportive friends and family. And one by one they all were disappointing.

I had just started play a dungeons and dragons game with my friend group a couple months before my girlfriend and I met, and she had always wanted to try playing, so I invited her to join us with my friend’s permission. However, my friends were playing the game in an annoyingly chaotic way, when I just wanted to go explore dungeons and do quests and stuff. So I was already not having a good time, but I didn’t want to be a party pooper. That situation deteriorated quickly as my girlfriend became increasingly upset and uncomfortable with the way my friends were acting and speaking to me. And one night when we both had a bad week and wanted to stay home, but made ourselves try to be social, and my best friend of 25 years and my girlfriend were screaming at each other as I went catatonic because I couldn’t handle the level of conflict at all, and since then, I spent 3 months trying to talk to everyone and find some way to reconcile. My best friend was shocked I let my girlfriend treat her that way and thought I should break up with her immediately because she is “unstable”

I was so genuinely confused about all of this, because we are adults, so we should be able talk stuff out and let it go, but none of my friends even acknowledged they did anything wrong. They never apologized for making my girlfriend uncomfortable, the never apologized to me for treating me like sh1t at dnd, nothing. And I was not gonna ask my girlfriend to placate my friends egos by being the bigger person and apologizing first. But wonderful person that she is, she tried anyway, because she could see how much the whole situation was still bothering me, and they were unreceptive at best. So they all got mad at me for not talking their side. I was so hurt. Like, I have been there for all of them for everything. I was there when my best friend was drunk in high school and slept it off on my couch too often, I was there when one of them got left at the alter by her cheating ex with a mountain of wedding debt. I was there when one of them was struggling with getting pregnant and I was there to cut the cord when that baby was born because her baby daddy and parents were stuck in other places. And I have been there for every single toxic relationship all of them have ever been in, and now they are saying that they can’t trust me and I being manipulated and all this stuff and I’m gobsmacked. Eventually, I cut ties with all of them because they never had anything positive to say, or they only called because they need something. It has been almost a year since that falling out, and I’m finally coming to peace with it, but now I’m struggling with my family.

I spent my entire life thinking my parents were the kindest most supportive loving me parents ever. My mom, 69, has had Lyme disease for 30 years, basically my whole life, so my brother, 36, and dad, 71, and I, all banded together to care for her. And most of my childhood memories are happy. But lately, within the last 6-8 months, my parents and my’s relationship is falling apart.

Ok, another short break for background information. My brother and I got along really well as small children, but when he started going to school, he made friends with other boys his age, and I didn’t have any friends so my mom and dad made my brother take me with him to play. So he and his friends tried to bully me into not wanting to hang out with them, which I took as a personal challenge. So I let them call me names and drank bug juice and ate dog treats. It was a lot, but we stopped getting along for a long time, but then when I got to high school, my brother and I reconciled and have been very close up until 9 years ago when he met his baby mama. They have two children together and no intention of getting married ever, so baby mama feels appropriate. They dated for 2 months before she got pregnant with my nephew. No one said anything about it. We all pretended to be happy for them because that’s what they wanted. And so I began trying to get to know this person. Immediately after meeting her, I felt like she didn’t like me and found me annoying. But I kept trying to hang out with her because she is going to be in our lives from now on. And we managed to get to a good place. For a time. Then she starts getting really pushy and controlling and trying to force you to do everything her way, and when you don’t, she starts crying and says every one hates her and she gets passive aggressive and won’t talk about her feelings until they become everyone’s problem. When my nephew was 5, they had a second child, my niece, who is now 4. Ever since she was born, my brother has lost all spark of life. He doesn’t sleep, he doesn’t see his friends anymore, he is not sleeping or taking care of his health. I’m worried about him. And I am genuinely concerned about how the baby mama is raising the kids. My nephew was a very sweet kid. He loves to read, he likes science and he was so kind, but as he gets older, I don’t see him developing any empathy or even trying to be polite. And my niece still can’t sleep through the night yet, at 4 years old, and baby mama loves it! She enjoys the fact her daughter needs her all the time. I’m so worried about them. But the biggest issue is they are very loud. Going over to their house is a nightmare. They have music playing really loud all the time, they shout at each other from all over the house instead of walking to each other, and sometimes the kids just like to shriek because it’s funny. As a person easily overstimulated by noise, I can’t handle being around them for too long or I get panic attacks. But if anyone even hints at the fact the kids aren’t perfect angels, they are wrong and how dare they and blah blah blah. They have both gotten so defensive I can’t talk to them anymore. And baby mama holds a grudge like nobody else. Everytime we get into an argument, she brings up stuff from like a year ago that we already talked about multiple times.

I feel like I could go on for days, but the basic point is that I think she is brainwashing my brother and his kids. She pulled my nephew out of school because he was being a “disruption” and would not do what his teacher’s said. Baby mama decided the school is out to get her and they are trying to destroy her son’s creative spirit.

It is important to note here, that baby mama has no college education, no teaching experience, and thinks she is gods gift to childcare because she nannied for 7 years. And she didn’t go to a regular school. She went to a Waldorf school, which if you have never heard of, google it. It was founded by a n*zi who was starting a cult after world war 2. (Side note: there is very little credible information that’s easy to find on this school, like non bias peer reviewed research, most info comes directly from them and has no backing) Also she doesn’t have a job anymore and sits around the house doing art she tries to sell online, but nobody buys because she prices her work outrageously high.

So now the original thing I was asking about. While going through therapy, I realized that I have never set boundaries or voiced my feelings about my problems my entire life. I have always tried to go through life without burdening others with my problems, but I’m now tired of being ignored and very upset that I have never been a priority to anyone.

So I have been trying to talk to my parents about my feelings, which always used to be easy. My mom was my best friend for most of my life. We talked about everything and I had no secrets from her till I was like 28. But now, she can’t even look me in the eyes right now.

My mother is the second oldest of 4 sisters, and she has always been the peace keeper of her family. (Gee wonder where I get it from) she has never had a good relationship with her family but they live on the other side of the country, so we don’t have to deal with them often. Also this is the same family that disowned her when she was 18 and kicked her out, but they babied their other children to the point I don’t actually know how my aunts will survive when my grandma passes. About a month and a half ago, my grandmother and aunt came into town for a visit. The day before they were scheduled to leave, my grandmother fell down the stairs and hit her head. She has a minor TIA and a few broken bones. This caused my mother and her entire family to panic, so my mom has been dealing with insurance and doctors and rehab facilities for weeks. She is incredibly stressed and her family has a way of getting under skin and giving her anxiety attacks. But this isn’t a new thing, this stress and anxiety, she does this every other week. But her family, they are literally just calling to complain about one another and argue about agreeing on things, like they agree five minutes into the conversation and then like yell and argue about agreeing, which is just confusing. And when I try to help her calm down, she says the only thing that works is watching the news. She has the news on the tv all day every day, and it only stresses her out more. She is freaking out about the third world war and the state of the country she rants all day about it to my dad, and anyone she can find.

So about 4 days before my grandma was scheduled to fly home, me and my girlfriend have twin panic attacks(a general over stressed unease) and I get into a huge fight with my mom about how she has been making me feel, but she didn’t even hear me talk. It’s like we were having two entirely different conversations. She just kept telling all the things I was doing wrong that made her life harder. So we decided to put a pin in it and wait till Saturday when my grandma was gone. They left that morning and I was going to give my mom the rest of the day to unwind, but then I had another panic attack and started the conversation again. It was exactly the same. She is too tired and too stressed to handle me and my problems. She just keeps saying we can talk about it later, but later never seems to happen. There is always something or someone more important to deal with.

So I have basically been giving everyone the silent treatment because I don’t even know what to do anymore. I can’t trust my judgment anymore. How did I not notice I was just letting life happen to me. I want to leave, but I can’t afford my own place right now because I’m still trying to find a job now that I am recovered from my back surgery. So yes. Please tell me, am I being an asshole? Am I asking too much of people? I really don’t know anymore.