I (27F) met a woman (32F) a few months ago through AA. We’re both in recovery (alcoholics) and also both work in medicine—she’s an RN, and I work in a different medical role. Early on, we bonded quickly, but the majority of our friendship has revolved around one thing: her boyfriend, let’s call him Adam (38M), who is an academic currently pursuing his PhD at a prestigious university in our city.

Adam has a long and troubling history of addiction to alcohol and hard drugs—he was using IV cocaine and, I believe, heroin. On top of that, he’s emotionally manipulative and has shown violent tendencies. Despite all this, my friend has stayed with him and often excused or minimized his behavior. Whenever we talked, it was always about Adam—his needs, his moods, his drama. Even when we went out to dinner or spent time together, she had to tell him everything. It felt like he was always there, looming over our friendship. We could hardly do anything without talking about him. When she needed a new sponsor, I put her in touch with a woman who had long term sobriety and works as a nurse practitioner. I thought it'd be perfect match.

When things got physically unsafe, I opened my home to her and let her stay in my spare room. I did what I could offered emotional support, helped her get to the right AA meetings (especially ones that wouldn’t upset Adam if another man he didn't like was present), and encouraged her to leave the relationship. I really tried. He would pop up on us at dinner. Demanding photographic evidence of us, and wouldn’t allow her or myself to reach out to anyone in the program about the situation. He would forbid her from even going to program men. He was paranoid that she was going to start seeing someone behind his back.

Once after a meeting a man named Joe came up to us and when we went out for dinner I told my friend and Adam about what happened to Joe. He hit a man and ran them over, costing this man his legs. Joe spent time in prison and has made recovery his mission. Joe is just friendly and likes to get to know the newcomers in AA. When I told them this over dinner the both looked shocked, they said they never would've suspected that. I was bringing this up so they can understand how addiction can escalate and ruin lives. No behavior changed and they grew more toxic and unhealthy.

I honestly grew tired of them and stopped inviting her places especially after I offered my home and she went back. I realized that was even unsafe for me because while she was at my house she was texting him all night and could send him my home location. I put a stop to that. We talked about devising a plan to leave him which never materialized. She also was in individual and couples therapy, but who knows how well that worked. 

I’ve been currently out of the US and have been visiting family, but when I landed she called me to tell me Adam OD’d. 

She called me to ask if she should inform his parents and I said verbatim: “Absolutely. They need to be informed on what's going on.” 

I didn’t even bother asking if he was going into treatment because there are always excuses as to why he can’t go, or push his PHD back any further. 

After he ditched the hospital and AMA’d, he went on a bender and messaged me a few days ago asking about my friend. I told him I was on vacation and that she's fine. But I screenshotted it and sent it to her and she was like "Poor Adam, He's been going hard lately"......

Then Adam did something irreversible. He hit a child with his car. Not to get too graphic  but he pretty much hit her and sandwiched her into a  brick building wall, it was truly horrific. She losing both of her lower legs. It was catastrophic and totally preventable. He’s only facing 1–6 years for it, and in my opinion, that’s far too little for what happened. It's city wide and county wide news at this point. The story is everywhere and his mugshot is too.

My friend called me immediately when it happened....I listened to her cry on the phone and when I tried to console her she immediately was like "someone else is calling"... and hung up on me....

I have been devastated for the victim, and when I expressed that to my friend, she kept making excuses or saying how sick they are and how terrible she feels. She kept protecting Adam, trying to downplay what happened. 

Today, I told her that the girl was going to lose her legs (a friend of the mother confirmed this with me). She told me she felt partially responsible and then went into the “why did this have to happen?”  

I finally sent her this message:

“It’s not a mystery. It happened because Adam made selfish, reckless choices and so did the people who ignored it or stayed silent. This isn’t just upsetting. It’s irreversible. A teenager is going to live the rest of her life without her legs, and this could have been prevented. I’ve held space for you, I’ve spent a lot of time listening, supporting, and trying to help before it got to this point. But the truth is, you were warned. You knew how bad it was, and there were so many chances to make a change. Not making it about me because it’s totally not, but this is quite upsetting to me because of how much of our conversation and friendship revolves around Adam.”

She responded saying she’s sorry, she's sick, she’s been trying to get help, and she’s going to lean on her family instead. 

I replied: “Honestly, do you listen to anything I say?”

She responded with: “Stop talking. I’m sick. I’ve been trying to get help. 

I said “Take Care”

I don’t tolerate disrespect but I also needed to make it clear to her. 

“it’s best you lean on your family right now, because I don’t believe that anything I say is helpful or getting through to you.”

Honestly, I don’t feel bad. I’ve done so much to help her, and I’ve been deeply disturbed by how little empathy she’s shown for the actual victim in all this. I know we’re all struggling, I know addiction is brutal—but protecting Adam at the expense of a child’s life and health just feels indefensible to me. The unwillingness to take responsibility for enabling too is too much. It doesn't seem she's willing to listen or absorbs what I say to her.

I wish I talked to his sponsor and informed more men in the program, or tried to help in a better way. Because all I can think about is how big the AA/NA community is in my city and how they'd have been willing to help or at least try to get them some support or something. But I felt like it wasn't my business to share, I did tell a few men who just shrugged it off. But maybe I should've went to people with more tenured sobriety.

So… AITA for giving her tough love and stepping back?