So this happened recently and I really need to get it off my chest. I (20F) kissed my best friend (24M), even though he was honest with me about still having feelings for someone else. And now I don’t know if I crossed a line or just set us both up to get hurt again.

We’ve been best friends for about three years. Since day one, we’ve had a really strong connection. When we met, I had a boyfriend, and D would flirt with me a lot — jokingly, but still. A year and a half later, I broke up with my boyfriend (for reasons unrelated to D), and about a month later, D started flirting a lot more and being there for me during that hard time. I wasn’t in a good headspace back then, but we got closer, and eventually, we kissed at a party. That night, he told me he had liked me since we met. I said I was starting to like him too, and that I’d always felt something between us — but obviously never acted on it because I was taken.

That kiss felt amazing, but everything after that went downhill. People started talking, things got messy, and our friendship suffered. We barely lasted a month in that weird space before I decided to let it go and just move forward. After a much-needed summer break, we got back on track — except in September, he started acting weird again. He accused me of still being into him (which wasn’t true at the time), and we argued. But we sorted it out, and honestly, from October through December, our friendship was better than ever.

In December, a stranger on the street told us we looked like the perfect couple. I laughed it off and said we weren’t dating, but they insisted we should be. That stuck with me. Later that night, D gave me a rose at a party. It made me start wondering if maybe we were meant to be more than friends.

But here’s the catch — D had reconnected with a childhood friend back in September. They hooked up, even though she had a boyfriend (she broke up with him right before). They stayed in touch, talked long-distance, and then in November, she ended things with D. That’s around the time when I started feeling even more connected to him again.

By January, we were studying for exams, spending every day together at the library. He’d walk me home, we’d go out just the two of us — bowling, drinks, everything. People would constantly stop us in public and say how cute we were together. It had never happened to me with anyone else. Everyone assumed we were a couple. But I knew he still liked that girl, and I wasn’t going to interfere, even though I had started liking him again.

Then two weeks ago, we went on a group trip. We went out partying, and I got very drunk. I ended up kissing two random guys. D told me I should go home because I was out of control. That made me furious. I started arguing with him — asking why now he wanted me gone, when he’s always the one asking me to stay.

Later, when we were all back at the hotel, he asked if we could talk in private. I was drunk, he was drunk. I ended up telling him everything — that I was confused, that he was sending mixed signals, that even strangers see we have something. That I knew he liked the other girl, but that he treated me differently and it messed with my head. I admitted everything I’d been bottling up.

The next day, I barely remembered the conversation. He asked me how much I remembered, and I said 20–30%. He said we could talk again once we were back home. I agreed.

So we got back. He picked me up, took me to watch the sunset (yes, seriously), and we talked. He told me everything I said, and honestly, it was exactly how I felt. I was embarrassed but also relieved that it was out. I told him again that he couldn’t deny we had a connection. He agreed. He said I was beautiful, and that he really liked me — but that he still liked the other girl more. He told me, “If I were with you and saw her this summer, I’d probably cheat on you.” He said he didn’t want to hurt me, so he didn’t want anything to happen between us. If he had to choose, he’d choose her.

That hurt, but I already kind of knew. I told him I didn’t even know what I wanted from him — another relationship sounded exhausting, and I wasn’t sure if I was ready. He asked if I just wanted to be friends with benefits. I said I didn’t know. But he said that could get messy too — like last year — and if she came back into his life, he’d probably end things with me.

We left it there. That was Sunday.

Now here’s where it gets messier. That Friday, we had a graduation party. Like a prom. Everyone dressed up. And let me tell you, I looked amazing — better than I ever have. D told me I looked beautiful the second he saw me. We ended up sitting next to each other at dinner, took tons of pictures (where we definitely look like a couple), and kept flirting like nothing ever happened.

Later, before heading into the club, we were pre-drinking in his car. People started leaving one by one, and eventually it was just the two of us, alone in his car. I was in the driver’s seat talking about something, and he wasn’t looking at me. I said, “Why won’t you look at me?” And he said, “Because I’m trying really hard not to kiss you.” I told him to look at me anyway. He did. We stared at each other. I said, “Why don’t you just go for it? What’s stopping you?” He said he didn’t want to ruin things. So I asked, “If I kissed you right now, would you pull away?” He said, “No. I couldn’t. I can’t resist you.”

So I kissed him.

And we kissed for a while. Then we stepped out of the car, and he said, “Great, now it’s gonna be like last year when we messed everything up by kissing.” I told him to stop — I knew what I was getting into. I didn’t need him to protect me from myself. He said he felt like he’d ruined everything again. I told him to shut up. And then I kissed him again.

We went to the club, had a great night, he walked me home. And the next day… nothing. Everything was normal. We kept talking like usual.

But now I don’t know how to feel. I keep thinking… did I pressure him? Did he only kiss me because I was being too forward? A part of me feels guilty, like maybe I shouldn’t have initiated anything. I know what the situation is, but it still hurts. If he’s trying so hard to resist me, then why doesn’t he want me?

And the worst part is — we haven’t told any of our friends. Not a soul. One of my friends is starting to suspect, and I think she’s mad at me about it. But D and I agreed to keep it a secret, because we don’t want things to blow up like they did last year.

So… AITA for kissing him knowing he didn’t want to ruin the friendship? AITA for not telling anyone, and for pushing something that might end badly — again?