I (53 F) have moved across the country to care for my mother, who was formally diagnosed with Alzheimer’s Disease in 2024. She has been receiving a new medication that is infused twice per month that is supposed to slow the progression of the disease. Caring for Mom comes with challenges, as she is unable to manage her medications, has forgotten items baking in the oven, and is generally unsafe to live alone.

Prior to moving, I owned my own home, had a nursing career of over 20 years, raised two kids as a single mom, and had just sent my youngest to college. I had 6 other siblings; 4 of whom have kids at home, 1 had just started a new business, and the other sibling (56 M) was living with Mom in the family home. Our father passed away 18 years ago and left Mom well-off financially. When he died, I was designated Mom’s healthcare POA. 

The family was aware of Mom’s cognitive decline for a couple of years, but since my brother was in the house with her, we kept tabs on her through him. My brother became increasingly verbally abusive towards Mom, prompting the concern of several of her friends, who eventually internet stalked me, found my phone number, and pleaded with me to intervene. 

Background: my brother had been an alcoholic since the age of 19, and in 2019 he had a cocaine overdose that triggered a silent heart attack and rhabdomyolysis and left him with an auto-immune disease.

Throughout my life, my mother has ignored my life challenges and even refused to believe me when I was assaulted 9 years ago by my then-husband: even after he left bruises on my neck in the shape of his hand, charges were brought against him, and he pleaded guilty to the assault. This was perhaps the most egregious, but far from the only time she dismissed me.

It took me until I was 44 years old to really accept that my mother lacked the kind of love for her own child that, as a mother, I find unfathomable. Three therapists over the years have advised me to cut ties with her, but I have not taken that advice, as I valued my family and didn’t want to cause drama, and perhaps I am loyal to a fault.

When I first moved to her home, I confronted my brother about his abusive behavior; he told me to go find the “next guy” who is going to choke me out, and I promptly packed my belongings and moved out.  Mom did not defend me and refused to entertain the idea of HIM moving out.

So on my own dime, I rented an apartment nearby and continued to provide daily assistance for Mom.

I continued to be civil with my brother, and we had dinner together every night with Mom, but I had my own space to retreat to.

In late January, my brother came home around dinner time, excused himself to take a shower, and never came back downstairs for the rest of the evening. I went to check on him and found him dead in a pool of vomit. I mentioned I have had a 20 year career in nursing: 5 years in hospital floor nursing, 10 years in hospice, and 5 years as a clinical supervisor. I’ve seen a lot of death. He was dead. 

EMS instructed me to do CPR, and suffice it to say, as much death as I have seen, doing CPR on my dead brother while getting covered in his vomit was a traumatic experience.

I kept Mom out of his room, and she did not see what I can never unsee. The coroner ruled it a natural death (likely a massive heart attack).

My other siblings arrived at Mom’s house within 48 hours. We were all together, trying to support Mom. I was pulled aside by another brother (52 M) and asked if I was on drugs. 

Apparently, behind my back, there had been discussion that I was acting like I was “hopped up on speed.”

My mother accused me of being on drugs, and she told everyone who would listen that I am on drugs.

While I do smoke pot occasionally, and I do drink alcohol socially, that is the extent of my “drug” use. 

In February, I travelled for a previously planned trip that my siblings had encouraged me not to cancel. Since I did not want to leave Mom alone, another brother came to stay with her.

I moved back into Mom’s house when I returned and continued to care for her.

Unbeknownst to me, while I was traveling, that brother took Mom to the lawyer and had her will changed. No financial changes (except to account for one less heir), but they removed me as healthcare POA and DID NOT TELL ME. I found this out 3 days ago when I went to retrieve Mom’s healthcare POA documentation for her doctor, as requested.

Mom is not so far gone as to forget changing her will. But she continued to allow me to care for her, and keeping her safe has proven to be a full-time job.

I am hurt more than I am angry, but I have told my siblings that my work here is done, and they can take over Mom’s care, because clearly, everyone feels that I am not the right person for the job. I can’t continue to help make medical decisions for someone who has chosen not to give me that power, nor do I feel compelled to provide a medical education to my siblings.

Now they are scrambling. I have requested that my siblings contact the doctors and request proxy access to her medical charts. They have not done this. Instead they are demanding to be involved in her care, yet they don’t have the vaguest clue what medications she takes or even what the name of the drug is that she has infused every two weeks.

I have patiently tried to provide a smooth transition of care. I have no desire to make my Mom’s care suffer because I am humiliated.

I have arranged for a reliable extended family member to come take care of Mom until my siblings arrive here in a couple of weeks. I have given them a month to find appropriate care and get up to speed on her medical situation. I have made it clear (in writing) that I do not believe Mom is safe to be alone, but I also will not try to control whatever decisions they make.

I know that Mom signing her will while having an active diagnosis of dementia is something that I could challenge, but I don’t see the point. I do not think it is healthy to provide care for someone who does not trust me.

Am I the asshole for leaving?