Hi all, I’ve (F 29) been wanting to post this for a while. Please be kind as I’m very open minded but this has really been a point of stress and concern for me.

My partner (M 32) and I started dating in June 2024. Let’s call him Sam. Sam is my dream person - smart, kind, funny and very committed to our relationship. We met shortly after he returned from 2 years living in Canada. We have already done a 3 month trip to Japan together and moved in shortly after arriving back home. Our relationship is amazing and I have never felt so loved and respected in my life.

There is one thing that’s been a point of concern - Sam’s relationship with other girls. When we first started dating, he was close with one of the girls he lived with in Canada. Let’s call her Kat (F 27). Sam and Kat would grab drinks after work (they worked at the same pub here) and do activities together. One time they did a paint and sip and she tried to stay the night in his bed (allegedly platonically), however he turned it down because we were getting serious (I found out later). One night Sam and I were laying in bed and we were talking about his relationship with Kat. I said I just want to make sure that it’s respectful towards me and he said “I don’t think you’d like our relationship”. He tried to backtrack but honestly the damage was done for me and I became very conscious of that relationship. We spoke about it at length multiple times and I just couldn’t get back my comfort. I have felt a tonne of guilt about it because I never wanted to get in the way of his friendships. She used to message him calling him “handsome” and with “xx’s” and I just hated it. I still feel a lot of guilt about this and whenever we talk about her I just want to hide away from the world.

He was also close to another girl in Canada, let’s call her Fi (F 22). They would do a lot of activities together and they travelled together (along with a few other people). I already felt a bit hesitant about that relationship because the age gap between them is so significant and given that I was already concerned about his relation with Kat, I think that just impacted on how I felt about his relationship with Fi as well. When we went overseas together, Fi was in the same place twice and we caught up. Both times I had a complete panic attack about seeing her, and I was in such a state that I just couldn’t deal with it and it caused a bit of difficulty for Sam and I. The second time we caught up I looked to liquid courage, ended up throwing up in a public bathroom and while I was in that state my partner confessed to her that I wasn’t ok with their relationship. That’s obviously made things strange between them and put distance there. Again, I feel absolutely sick about this and never wanted to create distance between him and his friends. But the age gap and her being a young woman just didn’t and continues to not sit well with me at all.

He ended up distancing himself from both of them and they don’t really talk anymore. He says he’s ok with that because our relationship is his priority which is sweet, but I don’t want to be an unreasonable person and I want to be the kind of partner that makes him feel like he can be his own person.

Another thing that might help in providing context as to why I don’t feel great about his female relationships is that while he was working at the pub a customer wouldn’t leave him alone and he ended up giving her his Instagram so she could “send him music”. I only found this out because he was laughing about it with some friends while we were out. When I said something about it he said he honestly didn’t see the big deal because he didn’t even accept her, but it was crippling to me and I was so, so upset about it. This lead to a conversation where it seems like he was just generally happy to meet cool new people (women and men) and keep in touch with them. I on the other hand just don’t know if I think women and men can really truly be good friends without someone getting feelings.

For context, I have no issues with him seeing his friends in general, it’s specifically female friends I have an issue with.

AITA for feeling like this? Is it reasonable to feel like this? I’m so lost and I feel like a terrible person because I just don’t know how to feel about all of this.