Background: I'm a 27 year-old online college student. Due to a uniquely shitty rural American blend of sprawl, lack of jobs, and lack of transportation, I don't have and have never had a job or a car, but I am actively working on getting my license, now that I can pay for driving school and for all the necessary expenses. Most of my adult life has been spent doing a mixture of fruitless job hunting, and serving as a caretaker for various relatives, so I've always been doing something, just not school or a job. I get a little money from my FAFSA refund, and don't spend it all, so I usually have a bit left in savings, enough for school supplies or little here-and-there expenses. I live with my grandmother, mother, and aunt. Mother is employed but can't drive due to PTSD from a past accident. Aunt is employed and can drive. This will all matter later, I promise.

It's a long one. And weird title, I know. Let me explain, some explanation is needed.

My grandmother (76) has an interesting relationship to hospitals and doctors. She claims to hate the hospital, hate doctors, yet at least once a month, she's in the ER, either for some sudden mystery illness that appears out of nowhere and disappears just as fast, or for a minor problem that she let spiral out of control because she wasn't proactive. She has Medicare, so there is zero reason for her to be waiting around for things to get worse before she goes anywhere.

For about two years, now, hospital visits have been a monthly occurrence. No amount of nagging or begging about being proactive ever stops her. In and of itself, even if her response to these health issues is not the best in the world, these problems are beyond her control. I understand that, I'm not whining about my elderly grandmother having health issues. What is in her control, however, is her lackluster response to the medical treatment she seeks out. In her opinion, no diagnosis is ever right, no doctor ever "really" cares, and every medicine suggested as a treatment either "doesn't work" or "makes her sick," even if she won't even give them time to possibly work. Sometimes, she even leaves against medical advice [and doesn't tell us until much later], just because she didn't like a doctor's attitude or how long she had to wait in a room in the ER. She's been given a diagnosis for her episodes, complex migraine. It mimics the symptoms of a stroke, but without the actual stroke effects, and it perfectly describes what she's been experiencing these past two years. But because she misread the medical records and became convinced that hospital drugged her with this or that medication against her knowledge, she's now refusing to accept the diagnosis.

Because of this ongoing situation, there's an at least once a month guarantee that someone will have to pick her up from the hospital. My aunt offered to get her a simple smartphone, on her existing cell plan, so that my grandmother can hail rides for herself. She's just fine using her tablet at home, certainly she can use Lyft or at least call a local taxi company's number from the contacts. Nope, refused, she wants my aunt to pick her up. I offered to pay for a Lyft for her, all she'd have to do was stay on the phone with me and look out for the make/model/plate. Wrong, also refused, she wanted my aunt to pick her up. My grandaunt, my grandmother's sister, offered to be her ride home. Nope, wrong, grandmother hates her driving, and wants my aunt to pick her up.

Where is aunt, you may be asking? At her full-time customer service job, that she can only leave on her lunch break [if at all]. My aunt is running out of PTO and sick days, because she's had to use most of them on these hospital runs. My aunt has health issues of her own, so this isn't good for her, if she needs sick days she won't have any left.

Aunt has tried stressing this to grandmother, who doesn't really seem to listen. For maybe one visit, she'll accept me booking a Lyft for her, but then she's back to demanding my aunt pick her up.

On a less significant but still very hurtful note, for me, I've been eager to be able to help my loved ones, and have managed my money so I can have resources to be financially helpful. I was proud to be able to pay for her Lyft home, because I feel like I'm actually helping in a monetary way. I got a kick in the teeth, treated as if I were a little kid trying to help pay the rent with handful of nickels. So that stings.

Now, today... Grandmother goes to ER early in the morning via ambulance, for these recurring mystery symptoms. At noon, my aunt calls me, asking if I can call my grandmother and get her a Lyft home, because aunt can't under any circumstance leave work, and grandmother is being discharged. Ok, fine. I call my grandmother's smart-ish phone, and tell her I'm getting her a Lyft. She asks if my aunt is paying for it, and when I tell her no, I'm paying for it, she flies off the handle, rebuking and refusing. The Lyft would be maybe $35, so it's not like she's bankrupting me, if that's her concern. I try to insist, even saying 'I want to do this for you'. No, she still refuses. Furthermore, she jams her phone down into her purse without hanging it up, then when I hang up and try to call her back, she doesn't pick up. I had to call my aunt back, and my aunt had to call two times to get grandmother to pick up.

What had my grandmother done, in this interim of myself and then my aunt frantically calling her? She'd walked from the hospital to a nearby hotel. My aunt had to essentially beg her coworker to switch lunch breaks with her, so she could leave work, go pick my grandmother up, and bring her home. On the way home, my aunt tried to have a talk with her about how this behavior is toxic and uncalled for, but it rapidly devolved into my grandmother's perennial threats. "I don't wanna be here anymore," "I'm just gonna give my license up," "nobody helps me," so forth. Grandmother's brought home, and gives everyone the silent treatment. She lays down for a nap, for about an hour, then gets up, and gets in her car and drives to an urgent care. Previously, she swore she could not drive, hence taking the ambulance. She was gone for an hour, to the urgent care, and now she's back, giving more silent treatment. It feels like she's pouting.

I really don't know what to do anymore. I do most of the cleaning and all of the heavy lifting, around the house, on top of being a full-time student. I help financially when I can [or, rather, when anyone will actually accept my money]. Whatever my grandmother needs, I'm there for her, even if it's to the detriment of my own health or studies or sanity.

I expressed this feeling of being unappreciated and not really knowing what else I can do for my grandmother, to my mother and aunt. My mother was silent as usual, trying not to get caught up in anything. But my aunt told me, essentially, "suck it up, it's not about you, it's about helping your family out, you'd be an asshole to give up on everyone." I know I've probably been a doormat, for the past decade or so, and should've stood up for myself sooner, but now I'm really not sure what else I can do. I can't cure my grandmother, I can't drive yet, and I don't think the other things I do for her even actually matter to her.

So am I the asshole, for not really knowing what to do? Advice is welcome, if any of you are willing to dispense it, and thank you for reading. Just venting about the situation is nice.