have posted before many times but I'm posting again as I recently went through my chats with my ex and need to vent . I added more details .

Please read till the end to understand it fully .

I'm writing summary here. ( India)

My bf ( m 22) and I( f 22) were in relationship for more than a year . I was very toxic while he had anger issues and started being emotionally abusive at the end of relationship.

Him and I share a romantic connecton back when we were 16 but never committed or more . 4 yrs of no contact due to family reasons .

Met again. And got into relationship. I slept with a guy in that time , went on different dates or whatever things I did intimate , bad , good everything. . I told him honestly everything and asked if he is still ok to start a relationship to which he said yes . It was long distance relationship so I keep on comparing teasing or making him jealous ( that's why I said I was toxic ) for a good amount of time without realising . Whatever.

But later he said I humiliated him took stand for others made him insecure and cheated on him .( In the no contact period as we had a connection and love that I ruined ) He said so .

I understand his jealousy and insecurity But after realisation I did everything to make him feel good but everything I did was somehow never enough .

He would interrogate and ask every single detail for hours and would be mad either I lied or said the truth

He had very strong anger issues and panic attacks . He told me there is some other personality and he want me and him to save from them . He don't have much time left and that i gave him trauma Also that if I break up or suicide his other personality ( AB ) will hurt everyone including himself .

He came in dec 2024 to meet me during my final exams . I asked him not to buy he didn't listen .

Then in dec 2024 ,night before my last final exam he forced sex on me . He got extremely triggered as he interrogated mein person said he won't use protection bcs my ex used and when I insist he got very angry . Like very . ( I told my ex to stop and he did and didn't go further)

He was so angry that I obligated . I feel stuck freeze and unsure . I don't feel anything or pain

My hand was twisting and so was my knee so I asked him to stop 4 times . He didn't At the fourth time he got extremely angry holding my wrists , I started crying but he screamed if i cry he will be more angry .
And then he felt guilty later I don't remember what happend for another 4-5 mins. Whatever His reasoning later was my ex stopped so at that time his ego got so much that he was like "usne Kiya toh muje bhi Krna hai " and he is now guilty I felt deeply hurt betrayed and scared .

I had to write internship report all night , awake hungry hurt and crying while being in a dangerous place .

We get intimate the next pr the day after that

I went home Brushed it under the rug but

started having nighmares and as I was reading our old chat today I found out I used mf word there in my personal diary for him , I sent ss of that to him in chat He got angry and he's like I got angry that day bcs of your past and you write mf word about me in your diary . ( What an a*)

He started threatening me on chat and call almost to not break up with him saying that's his other personality saying this not him or whatsoever

And situation escalated My family got to know I didnt wanted but forced by friends and guardian I had to file fIR (court case) against him for threatening me if I break up .

He also send ** text to my bestie saying he will make her sex slave and his bf read that Although my ex begged me to ask my bestie to block him bcs that's his other personality or whatever . He wanted to save everyone from them

He did odd jobs to help me financially sometimes or use money on travel as we both live in different states . He walked barefoot on road with wounded feet so I can wear his shoes as mine broke in middle of night . All this amidst heavy rain He did a lot So did I I asked him to take his medicines forcefully as he got sick after he abused me and was very guilty too and said it was in a moment of anger.
Idk if he was pretending or so I stay or actually sick . He has a history of being sick and fainting . I complied for sex only bcs I felt guilty tripped and he was angry . He did took meds and I was looking after him and myself then . Everything felt like a big nightmare .

I'm confused He felt like a big liar , manipulative , gaslighting and asshole but Other time he felt like the most caring supportive person I know . He did a lot for me But am I characterless ? And that Made him a monster ?

Was my yapping and past a problem He couldn't left bcs he had extreme childhood trauma and abandonment issues .

Sometimes I feel guilty other times I feel disgusted and raged.

Past 3-4 months my life has fell apart Delayed 6 months of graduation ( missed final exam ) Sexually abused or raped idk Break up with ex Ongoing Court case On break with bestie ( good terms ) Break up with another bestie ( he saved me from suicide ) Tried suicide No close friends left A lot of self harm ( since I was 16 after getting emotionally neglected and betrayed by my guardian who abused my family financially and emotionally)

Supportive family ( although they stopped talking for a while and somewhere still hurt )

It's so difficult to face my family and all ( asian family ) Everything feels like a nightmare

I am so exhausted amidst college , case and family . No matter how much I sleep it's not enough , college is ending , exams are in 20 days , fighting evryone single day .

I feel disgusted at the moment He believed or idk as I'm a whore or whatsoever for being physical with other guy and a girl , going on coffee dates or kissing someone . Idk . I slept with that guy to erase his memories we had at 16 and other things . Maybe this triggered . Idk my contradicting lines confusing as he felt I am lying bcs he was angry . I feel I tell him truth or lie mixed . And say weird things as i think of him before that .

I sometimes can't feel my body or cry when I try to insert menstrual cup ( I never used to as i have using it from quite a long time ) .

He was a good guy , extreme childhood trauma , bad parents ( physically abused him and emotionally and also used him for money ) But i don't feel anything for him . Idk I feel good sometimes that he deserve it but at the same I feel guilty too . Bcs the court case can ruin life . I never wanted to I was forced to file charges and didn't knew until I was in police station and had no choice . My family said we'll do an agreement on first court hearing as I asked them so and they feel the case is an exaggeration.

He was very supportive and I was pretty toxic. Also considering that he was physically emotionally abused since he was 7 continuously compared neglected and forced to drop out of school while he was a topper . I felt I triggered him and his anger triggered me.

So did I ruined his life ? Was he a bad person ( he lied things too) . Idk .