I (29m) am considering skipping my brother’s wedding. For context, I got married last year, and my wife and I had to have our wedding overseas. Most of her family doesn’t live in the U.S., and could not easily get visas to come for our wedding, and most of our friends and family actually lived closer to the wedding destination than where my wife and I live in the U.S. My extended family, including my brother and FSIL, all live in the same city. Because of the distance, we had to put a year plus of work and a lot of blood, sweat, and tears into planning our wedding.

Also, my wife at the time thought it would be nice of her to offer my brother’s girlfriend (now fiancée) to be a bridesmaid. They weren’t very close, and wife and I thought it would be a nice way for them to bond, and my brother was insisting because he was a groomsmen.

Fast forward to two weeks before our wedding, my brother gets engaged. Which I don’t mind, but it was kind of bad timing. He tells our immediate family, but I ask him not to say anything at the wedding — to not bring the engagement ring (partially for safety as locals recommended to leave valuables at home). Him and his fiancée agreed, and said they have no problem, that they weren’t planning on saying anything until after the wedding anyways, and wouldn’t say a peep till we all got back to the U.S. after the wedding.

3 days before the wedding we all arrive at the destination, and my brother and his fiancée start hounding my fiance, my mom, and I to let them tell family about their engagement. My fiancée and I tell them pretty firmly “no”. They agree, but continue hounding my mom behind my back to the point that the night before the wedding my mom pulls my fiancé and I aside to beg us to let them show our family the ring — the same ring that we asked them to leave at home. We again say no. The morning after the wedding my mom asks on their behalf again, at which point my brother and his fiancé are noticeably pissed, and my wife and I finally give in and say they can tell folks after we leave for our honeymoon later that day — mostly because my mom had to beg us to let them. They instead announced it at our goodbye brunch that morning (the morning after breakfast/brunch is common in both of our cultures).

We were reasonably ticked off, but we let bygones be bygones. However, a week or so ago my brother’s fiancé told my wife that she wasn’t going to be a bridesmaid, though both my brother and her had implied that we would both be in the wedding party. My wife is pissed mostly because my brothers fiancé mentioned that some of the bridesmaids aren’t particularly lifelong friends - including one friend she met at yoga within the last year. My wife and I are doing IVF currently, and our family knows that we moved around treatment (though it would be better to do it earlier) to accommodate the wedding. This was really the straw that broke the camels back for my wife, and she’s refusing to go to the wedding. I don’t know what I should do, would I be an AH if I skipped the wedding? I’m supposed to be a groomsmen, should I give them a heads up that we’re missing the wedding or should we just not say anything like they did to us? TIA

Edited for questions in the comments