I am a bit frazzled right now so apologies for any mistakes.

My friend James (45M) and I (22F) slept together this morning. We’re both coming off of our own individual breakups and I am worried I may have taken advantage of the situation. He broke up with his partner last month and my partner and I last weekend.

We went dancing yesterday and he got pretty drunk. We ended up going back to my place simply because it was closer and he asked to go there instead of home. He got pretty sick so I ended up falling asleep in the guest bedroom with him while taking care of him.

This morning I woke up to him wrapped around me. Pulling me in close to him. Nuzzling into me. Things like that. I don’t know. It felt good so I leaned into it a bit— but when I realized I was getting turned on I got flustered and pulled away. I felt uncomfortable at my own thoughts and felt gross for even looking at him that way

But James kept pulling me in and/or moving to be near me. At one point he was even on top of me, holding me from behind, asking me what was the matter, when I kept asking him to stop because I was getting really embarrassed. I, at several points, even got up to leave but he grabbed my arm and pulled me back into him asking what my problem was.

This went on for two hours or so.

I… am autistic. I get overwhelmed. Especially when I do not understand what’s happening. I started to get really nervous and kept asking if he knew what he was doing and he acted like nothing was happening. Eventually I got so frustrated I reached down to feel him and he was physically aroused.

I know that this is a natural response and should in no way be used as a gauge to measure how interested a man is in sex but in my overstimulated brain it meant he knew what he was doing to me and thus it’d be ok for me to initiate sex.

Halfway through though, I started crying because I felt so bad. I was worried he genuinely didn’t understand that I was getting riled up before and that in having sex I was taking advantage of him. I even pushed him off and asked him to stop while sobbing and apologizing to him.

After I calmed down, eventually, we kept going. He kept saying ‘we’re just having sex as friends. It’s okay.’ And eventually I stopped crying— but he never confirmed if the sex was something he wanted in the first place.

After he finished I kind of shut down and started spiraling, aloud, about how stupid of a choice it was to sleep together. Everything was overwhelming and I felt like I couldn’t function. I just got up and started cleaning and getting ready for work. I cleaned the room, got him fresh pillow and blankets, and comforted him since he seemed really overwhelmed by my behavior. Then I left. James ended up hanging with my room mate for the rest of the day and ordered food.

James and I hung out again today and he kept reiterating what a mistake it was and confessed to me that he feels I pressured him into sex. He said he forgives me and wants to move past it but I feel rancid. I’ve been sick to my stomach all day. I have a long history of sexual trauma and know sometimes it’s hard for me to recognize what is and isn’t okay. I worry I was too forceful. Or perhaps I missed something major. I feel so ill.

I am confused as to why he didn’t disengage during the 2 hour cuddle session that led up to intimacy. I don’t understand why he kept pulling me back towards him. I don’t understand why he’d be okay with continuing once I started crying. I’m confused. I’m worried there’s something I’m not seeing. I feel like scum, worse because I didn’t even see the signs.

Can anyone help me under this situation? Am I the asshole?