My daughter Cali turned 18 in November and is a senior in high school. Her dad, Aaron, and I have been divorced for 12 years. I left him due to his drug and alcohol issues at the time, terrible financial choices, and financial abuse. After the divorce, he basically fled the country while I raised Cali full-time. Aaron lived overseas for five years and owed a lot of money to the IRS. They came after me at one point, but I hired a lawyer and got it sorted out on my side. I had to prove I was not a part of his mess. I never let Cali know how bad that was to deal with. I hid a lot from her. She's a kid.

In 2021, Aaron returned, and we updated the shared custody agreement. He had to move into my school district, and he’s now off drugs and alcohol. He’s on disability, getting $1,000/month to help with Cali, and only paid what was written and sometimes less than that. I’ve had to do most of the work, balancing a full-time job and raising Cali.

Three years ago, I remarried. When Aaron came back, Cali became super attached to him. Her therapist says it’s because she felt abandoned, so now she’s defensive and protective of him. Aaron is still bad with money and time management, so I’ve taken care of a lot, including appointments, school events, etc. I never complained to Cali, always TRYING to hide the challenges.

Once Cali turned 18, Aaron stopped paying for her bills, which is legal even if she is still in highschool. She now gets $1,000 in SSDI, which she gives to him (I don't think that's right but I never have told her this and I just let it be), while I cover her medical, activities, and clothing. I’ve rarely mentioned money struggles to her until last fall. I think I messed up by not explaining how much I have covered for her father, but now I’m telling her what I’m covering since she’s legally responsible for bills. I’m also handling her college fund. There is very little bitterness here. I have known full well this is how it could go, that he would just stop paying. I have had time to mentally prepare. I am not angry. I have an "it is what it is" mentality. I continue to send her father bills just in case he ever wants to contribute. He says he will and that he has "something in the works" which is why I continue to do this.

Cali asked why her dad isn’t involved in college planning, and I told her he won't be contributing in anyway so he will not be a part of this decision making process. She can talk to him about it as much as she wants but I am not involving him in practical matters. This led to a discussion today about her graduation party. Aaron isn’t contributing, which I mentioned factually to her. I told her that her father's side of the family may not be invited because of cost and also because they hate me and I am concerned about drama. Cali got upset, saying I’m always talking about money and making her feel guilty and blaming her dad. I realized I may have hurt myself by not discussing these financial issues earlier. She likely feels overwhelmed by it all.

I’m telling her about finances NOW because she’s an adult, and she needs to understand. To teach her and to give her a heads up that some things may change because I am no longer receiving help from her father. I’ve reassured her she’ll always have a place here, no matter what happens with Aaron who I do anticipate he will need to move again sometime perhaps in the next 6 months based on what he has said. But now she’s upset with me. I am trying to do my best but she is always in a defensive mindset about her father. How can I have these talks with her in a more constructive way? Where can I improve here? AITAH?

Short Summary: My daughter Cali turned 18 and I’ve had to take on more financial responsibility since her dad, Aaron, stopped contributing. Aaron has been out of the picture financially for a while, and I’ve been handling most of her expenses, including her medical bills, activities, and college costs. Cali recently became upset when I mentioned money and what her dad isn’t paying, feeling guilty and triggered. I’m trying to help her understand the financial changes as she becomes an adult, but now she’s frustrated with me for talking about it.