Hi everyone, I (F21) have a friend, let’s call her Sara (F22), who grew up very sheltered in a strict Mormon household. She has been through a lot, but she often only shares parts of her story and tends to keep most things private. Although I have always known that she has struggled at home and has had a tough time finding herself in adulthood.

Sara is in a pretty unhealthy relationship with her boyfriend, Brad (M22). Brad has had issues staying faithful and committed, and while some of the problems are definitely on him, Sara also contributes to the toxicity. My friends and I (Gracie F21 and Chase M22) have all, at different points, encouraged Sara to break up with Brad and focus on herself for a while. Unfortunately, they’re still together, and the drama has only escalated.

Recently, Sara decided she wanted to move in with Brad to get out of her parents’ house. Brad doesn’t want to move in together — partly because of finances, but also because he’s just not ready. She has been giving him the ultimatum that if he doesn’t move in with her, she will break up with him. This all came to a head the other night when Brad expressed to her finally that he didn’t want to move in together. When he expressed that, Sara threatened to hurt herself if they didn’t move in together. She showed him fresh cuts on her arm and tried to use a sharp object to harm herself in front of him. She even told him that she would use any tactic to make him stay, and that if he left, she wouldn’t let him leave “happy.”

Now, they’re trying a long-distance setup because Sara is moving to live with her brother in a different city. Brad plans to stay at home with his parents.

The issue is: Gracie, Chase, and I have been trying to figure out if we should still stay heavily involved. I personally feel like we’ve said everything we can and at this point, it’s not helping — she hears what she wants to hear. I think we should step back and let her figure things out, even if it’s painful to watch. Meanwhile, Gracie and Chase feel that if we step back, it’ll make Sara feel abandoned and worsen the situation.

I’ve suggested encouraging her to seek counseling or even looking into a 72-hour mental health hold for her safety, but I don’t know how much more we can do if she doesn’t want real help. I want to support her, but I can’t keep repeating myself to deaf ears and then catch her when it all crashes down. I also worry that if we keep rewarding the behavior (threats of self-harm to get attention), it could reinforce it — but obviously, the fear that she could really harm herself is very real. My friends feel that they should keep trying no matter what and I am just afraid of them losing themselves in the process as well.

How would you handle this? Do you think stepping back is the right move, or should we keep trying to intervene? Am I the a-hole for wanting to step back?

Thanks for reading. Any advice would be appreciated.