My dad died when I (16m) was 8 and my younger siblings were 4, 3 and 1. Mom remarried when I was 11. My siblings call him dad and he adopted them a year after they got married. The offer was extended to me but I said no and I don't regret it either. I don't call him dad or see him as my dad. Not even my dad figure. He's my mom's husband to me and my siblings dad now even if that's not easy for me.

My mom always made visiting dad's grave a family thing and that included her husband. I used to like going to dad's grave but once my siblings started calling her husband dad it made me awkward standing at dad's graveside with three of his kids calling another guy dad. I never said anything but I always wanted to go alone but knew mom would be upset.

Yesterday was dad's birthday and my mom wasn't feeling the best and neither was her husband so she said we'd go today instead and if her husband wasn't feeling better we could do it next weekend. But I wasn't okay with waiting and especially not for her husband to feel better so I went alone. It rained while I was there and when I got back I'd gotten a little muddy which made mom realize where I went. She started to cry and ignored me for an hour before she followed me up to my room and asked me why I went alone when I knew she preferred for us to go together. I said it was dad's birthday. She said he'd understand if we couldn't make it for his actual birthday. I said I wouldn't and wanted to go there on his actual birthday. She said we could go today instead assuming everyone was feeling better. I told her it wasn't the same to me and I wasn't waiting for her husband to feel better to go to MY dad's grave. I told her I don't even want him there.

That made her start to ask questions and question why I felt that way and why I didn't want to wait for the family. I ended up telling her I hate going as a family. I told her how much I hate how my siblings call her husband dad at dad's graveside. I said I've never said anything before, and I'd never say it to them, but I hate it. I said I feel like it's disrespecting dad's memory and her husband already adopted three of dad's kids and then gets to go to his grave where those three call him dad. While they refer to dad by his name. Or they call him their birth father. And I told her I know they don't remember him and didn't get him for as long as I did. But I still see them as dad's kids but they see themselves as her husband's kids and it's not something I like the way that she does. I said her husband didn't step in and fill the role dad left behind for me. And I said I didn't want him to.

She got more upset and it became a fight because she wanted me to not feel that way and I was like well I do. She told me she didn't understand why I had to hate it so much and dad would be so happy for all of us that her husband's here and that he'd want me to have a dad again too. I yelled at her that I already have a dad and her stupid husband will never be him. She told me it's okay to love him and I said I don't, not even a little, not even a tiny amount. She realized I was telling the truth which made her sad and mad. And she left my room without saying anything else.

We were the first people up this morning and we talked way too early. She told me it's hard for her to know I haven't worked through dad's death enough to accept her husband and she wanted me to go back to therapy, I went after dad died. I told her I didn't want to. She asked why and I said I don't want to work on accepting her husband as my new dad. That I don't want that and I won't put any effort in. I also told her I have zero regrets about visiting the grave alone. I said it was the first time in ages I was comfortable there. She hates that and she called off visiting today because her husband's sick again. Then she told me just before I started to post this that my siblings heard us fight yesterday and they're upset by what they heard me say.

It felt like she was putting it all on me and it's clear she expects me to change stuff. AITA?