My (M) childhood friend (F) and I were close. Super close. Like siblings, almost. But in the last several years, I've noticed imbalances between us.

We met when we were 6 years old. We were in the same 1st grade class and our moms hit it off at the ice rink when both of our families were going twice a week. I also have a learning disability and she knew about it before I did. Therefore, she made it a point to protect me a long time before I knew what was going on. She looked out for me when I was getting bullied at school. She often tied my shoes. I learned to tie them the year she got her driver's license and I'm taking forever to get mine, so guess where that leaves us in that department. My other friends do things like that for me as well but none of them seem to mind so much that they leave me wondering.

As I learned later, she has a really bad anxiety disorder. But she got noticeably worse as we got older. When we were kids, she was always happy. Most of the reason I have other friends now comes from the fact that when we were kids, she'd let me tag with her and her friends, as I struggle to establish new friendships on my own. But in high school, she pulled back from old friends and started hanging out with like, 2 people who, by most accounts, treat her like shit. They hit her up for money. They make fun of things she's more interested in than they are (and if I'm getting it right, things I'm also interested in that could be considered "weird"). One of them makes weird comments related to certain body parts, and I've heard her, more than once, request that be put to a stop. This has made her feel bad about herself, suffer quietly, and isolate herself from people who care a lot more about her than I think they do.

Unlike most of her other friends from that time, I stayed. I felt indebted to her for everything she did for me earlier. My friends dropped her as a friend, and I eventually dropped her new friends. But I kept her. However, I feel alienated when she seems to choose them over me. Then angry at her for making promises and then not keeping them, and then angry at myself after arguing with her; realizing that she's probably better off without me. Despite our gaps, she does do a lot for me, and we are in different colleges now. Not to mention I'm the one who chose to go 2 states away. And when I shut down because her push-pull dynamic is overwhelming me, she tries like hell to get me back. This has right now resulted in me giving her 2 more chances than I originally planned to give her. She once called me 4 times in a row after I didn't respond to her canceling plans because she was worried about my well-being, and then admittedly, I went off on her for not letting me call later when I was finally ready talk.

However, her inconsistency does make me wonder if she really cares about me the amount she claims to. I do feel bad about yelling at her when she's stressed but when she makes promises, reassures me that she'll come through, bails in the name of personal circumstances, and then hangs out with other people before we've resolved the conflict, it ruins my mental health, and as my oldest friend, she diminishes my self confidence, even talking to other friends when she does this. Then with everything she's felt the need to do for me, I sometimes think I'm just making her life harder, but many people (including her) tell me I'm among the best she has.

The other day, I was at the doctor, and I found out I have a potentially life threatening illness. It has been growing inside of me for about 5 months now. It has been one month since our last fight (which was very brutal, cumulating it with our other fights) and I have not told her about my new diagnosis. She knows about previous mental health scares I've had, she knows about battles I've had with my disability, she's worried about me a lot, but now that I have an actual doctor's report that says I could die if I don't get treatment FAST, and it's after weeks of no contact after our fight, I don't think she's going to take it well. Even though I find her unreliable in terms of promises, I still depended on her for things when she was around, more than I like to admit. I love her (and she's used the L-word with me a bunch, is how I know I can use it). She's like my big sister. And I don't want to potentially leave her thinking I'm some jerk that didn't acknowledge her efforts. But I don't know, with everything above. She even admitted a few months ago to shutting me up in some of our conversations (where I'd thought I was the problem). So AITA for wishing I'd gotten more consistency out of our friendship in the last few years?