I (34M) was groomed through my teenage years by my aunt. It blurred my sense of love, safety, and boundaries. For a long time, I thought affection always came at the cost of control that being loved meant surrendering fully.

As an adult, I found BDSM, specifically submission, and it gave me a way to reclaim some of that narrative, a space where surrender could be consensual, safe, even healing. Or at least, that’s what I hoped.

When I met my ex, I was honest about my submissive side, about craving nurturing, softness, emotional "babying", not just in scenes but in daily life. She seemed to understand. She embraced it. But very quickly, it became... distorted.

She sexualized my vulnerability in ways I didn’t always consent to. Things started innocent, but later, she would snap at me, slap me hard without warning, humiliate me even outside of agreed scenes. Sometimes she'd say cruel things mid-"play," and I couldn't tell if it was a role or real resentment bleeding through.

At first, I blamed myself. Maybe I wasn’t submissive enough. Maybe I triggered something in her. But slowly, I realized I was having flashbacks, real, body-shaking ones, to when my aunt would switch between affection and sudden impact play. It felt good and it felt consoling but my therapist did warn me that my ex gf might be just getting carried away with her own kink formed around my past. We had other disagreements too as she didn't want children and I wanted a family and eventually we broke up right before Christmas eve.

Now I’m trying to heal, but this fear haunts me.

Is it selfish to want someone to "baby" me emotionally to just let me feel safe, without being judged as broken? Or is wanting that just opening myself up to being hurt again? Should I have to fix myself completely before expecting someone to love that part of me?

(I know it's messy. I'm trying to be better. I just don’t know where the line is between healthy vulnerability and being too much)