I'm 35F, and my husband "J" (38M) and I have been together for ten years, married for five. When we first started dating, he was just beginning college. I remember telling him, “You’ve got your own path right now. I want you to focus on school. I’ll be here, cheering you on.” And that worked for us. We built something steady, something strong… or at least I thought we did.

After five years, we got married. He graduated, landed a new job — one that more than doubled our combined income. I was proud of him. But the trade-off was constant relocation. Every few years, we’d have to uproot and move to a different part of the country.

When we moved from Georgia to New York, I got lucky. I transferred with my job and landed in what felt like a dream. Great pay, a fantastic team, the best location — I felt fulfilled. I felt alive. I rarely even complained about work (which is rare, right?). I was genuinely the happiest I’d ever been.

Then his job came knocking again. “There’s an opportunity in Wyoming,” they said. And he accepted — without asking me. Without even a conversation.

And because I loved him, I gave up my dream. I followed him to Wyoming.

But God, I hate it here. I feel so alone. Isolated. Cut off from everything and everyone that made me feel like myself. J became my only lifeline — the only familiar thing I had left.

Just a few weeks after we arrived, he forgot my birthday. Completely. I had to remind him. There was no dinner, no cake, no card… not even a quiet moment of recognition. It was just another day, except it wasn't — it was a painful reminder of how invisible I felt.

I struggled to find work here. Eventually, I found an okay job — not something I loved, but something to keep me afloat. Emotionally though, I was sinking. I've told J again and again how unhappy I am. That I want to go back east, back to NY, back to a version of me that felt whole. Every time, he brushed it off. “There’s nothing I can do,” he’d say. Because his job couldn’t be sacrificed.

So I stayed. I waited. I hoped. But it never got better.

This year, I decided I’d take my birthday into my own hands. After last year, I just wanted something. I mentioned maybe ordering a cake. Just a small gesture. His response? “It’s just the two of us. We don’t need it. My family doesn’t really celebrate adult birthdays. And your birthday always falls at a bad time for me.”

I don’t think I’ve ever felt more dismissed. It crushed me.

A few weeks later, after another one of our now-regular arguments about how miserable I was, he tried to make amends. Took me to a bookstore, paid for my hair and nails. For a brief moment, I felt like maybe he finally saw me. But not long after, he brought up the cost — said it threw off our debt payoff schedule and that we couldn’t do anything like that again.

I realized then that it wasn’t love. It was damage control.

I told him months ago that we were not okay. That I was not okay. I told him I felt like I was fading. That I didn’t know who I was anymore. That I was lonely — not just in this place, but in my own marriage. And only then — only then — did he finally start to make an effort.

It hurts to know he was always capable. That I had to break before he tried to help me heal.

Now, we’re moving again. Back east. Not quite New York, but closer. I’m relieved to be leaving Wyoming behind — the loneliness, the quiet grief of a life I didn’t choose. But I’m nervous. Nervous these changes and efforts are temporary until we get settled again.

I recently told him about a job opportunity I was thrilled about. It was in a different state than where we’re headed, but it was everything I’ve been dreaming of — a real chance to build something for myself again.

He shut it down immediately. Said if I took it, I’d be choosing a job over our marriage. That I’d be giving up on us.

But what he doesn’t seem to understand is that I already gave up so much for us. And he chose his job and school before us every time beforehand. I feel like it's part of the foundation our relationship was built on and I have always been sitting on the backburner for him. And I want to choose myself this time. I have my family and friends and a huge support system where this new opportunity is, but I do feel that he's right and it would be the end for us.

Given all of the above circumstances, is this the end? Do I give the new location a shot and see if he'll stick true to his promises to do better? Or do I choose myself and lose him and keep the loneliness of a life without him, but I'll have my career?

Is this worth a shot? Or is this a red flag for a separation/divorce?