Hey so some of you may remember me from my previous posts about part of my current situation, that is just the tip of the iceberg of my life at the moment. Don't get me wrong I'm very grateful for the good in my life but I'm always had the threat that it can get taken away from me easily because I'm worthless. It's not just the current good in my life that I've been told and fear that it can be taken away but the past good in my life has been and has been threatened to be taken away from me by family so I've learnt especially in recent years that I can't put all my eggs into one basket because I usually end up thrown away like trash and back to square one while watching others have what I have to fight to have. I know this sounds self pitying and I'm not meaning for it to be but it's how I'm feeling.

I had a bad mental health time of it during my pregnancy due to situations past and during pregnancy with family, work and being medically neglected during the start of my pregnancy causing me health issues that caused my performance at work to drop dramatically. As soon as I became pregnant I was treated differently by various people at work and some were even hostile towards me on more than one occasion. This made my anxiety and depression so much worse. I was worrying about all sorts going wrong with my baby and had convinced that he would be severely disabled and I'd get no support but shame as I'm disabled myself. I lost my job at 7 months pregnant which devastated me. At 8 months pregnant I did something disgusting in a moment of madness when I snapped because family had put me under so much pressure and made me feel so worthless. I don't think my husband has fully forgiven me for it as he has threatened to take full custody during arguments. Fast forward to the birth and I got all the support I needed. The bad mental health fog fully lidtes and I felt more like myself than I had in almost a year and it felt amazing. The first 3 months of my youngests life I felt the best I had ever had in years until another friend ghosted me just before summer. During summer I felt my mental health deteriorating. I was more snappy and less patient. Because I wasn't working I didn't do that much during the day and I started to really dwell on things and get angry over what is been through and not having a job etc. I struggled with sleep and in mid august I had a breakdown which now I believe was post natal depression. That fog lasted for months. It's only this past couple of months that it's started to really lift. I became a different person and I shamefully started to cyber bully people when I was got at by family and in laws over stuff. Me and hubby had loads of arguments and he threatened to leave on several occasions. I admit I was so hard to deal with during this time but I really needed someone to fight my corner which I felt he didn't truly understand at times. My guyfriend (who you will know about if you read my previous posts) was there for me and I felt was in my corner. I think I would've been much worse if it wasn't for him.

Ive been looking for jobs because I need one as I'm only on some benefits and I feel my life has been put on hold because I have to be so careful. I was offered one but it got taken away from me last minute. It's coming up to summer again and I'm so worried that I'll have another breakdown which would be likely if I'm not working. I just feel like I've no worth as I keep on getting rejected for potential jobs. I'm so sick of living month to month that I'm considering onlyfans or escorting as last resort because I can't go on like this. I can see things falling apart if I breakdown again and I don't think my marriage will survive it. I'd rather deal with the shame of those industries than have my life fall apart as at least I'd be able to treat myself and my family. So many special occasions I've had to scrimp on because I can't get a job and I'm not doing it anymore. I'm good at sex if it came down to it. I have some health problems that I can't even sort because of this situation and I feel bad for my husband. I just don't know what to do