To start off- we have a newborn 6 month old. We're both exhausted all the time. Also I apolgoize for long post for background information. I'm not trying to be right- I just want to know if I'm truly being an AH/try to see it from a different perspective.

My wife has ADHD, from my perspective does not handle stress from work well from her jobs in the past when she would be full time (would fall behind on work, work on weekends, we would never have time together stress-free; she would feel that people were mistreating her at work which I could not tell was appropriate/not but I would always support and take her side). During pregnancy, she had bad morning sickness, the person she worked for was causing her more stress (and as a result causing me more stress), so we agreed for her to take time off and try to recharge/take a break to not burn out- this was about a year ago (when she was 4 months pregnant).

We had made plans that I felt could not be changed prior to then (a 65k wedding we had paid deposit for). The pregnancy was planned but also much faster than anticipated (it was our first attempt); about 20k in hospital fees/follow ups. Financially instead of us splitting it together; given our circumstances I felt like I carried a majority of this burden of this alone. I work as a physician, I am quite exhausted during my days (Usually around 12-14 hour days; I work about 21-23 days a month to try to pay this off- did not start having noticeable increase in income despite working this much until about 4 months ago). For those days that I work- I am physically not at home to help with our baby. Since the time she's taken off work (May 2024); I have paid for all our rent, utilities/insurance (for her car/repairs), taxes, 401k, housing expenses. I have given her a stipend of 3.5k-6k/month so that she wouldn't feel coped up/house crazy since she quit work (lower on the months I made less, more on the months I could offer more- it's the same stipend I'm allowed as well as everything else pays for our joint expenses). I have 45k in personal credit card debt that I've been treading water on the last 3 years given the financial decisions we made together (again; did not anticipate shoulder the wedding on my own) that I've been struggling to pay down with my amount of my personal stipend.

Since the baby's been here from month 3 onwards I've tried to pay for a nanny or infant care so that my wife does not burn out (we could not find/afford a reliable nanny prior to this). Family tries to help (out of town), but inconsistent and not as helpful for what we would really need (someone to help us during night so we can sleep).

My wife recently just started working again (2 days/week). I usually work a stretch of 7-9 days, and have 2-3 days off before repeating that stretch again. During the days I work, my wife takes care of the baby alone during the time I'm not home (8-7pm), she has assistance with a nanny for weekdays (for at least half the day on the days she's not working; full time nanny on the days she's working, and 1 day a week of full time nanny when she's not working. She usually alone on the weekends). When I finish work normally, I try to help out with the baby, but usually am limited to just between the hours of 7-9pm (or I offer to do chores like walk the dog, clean the house etc) as I'm tired and can't take time off during work. During my days off, I offer to stay up with the baby/take care of the baby similarly to how she does while I'm working. Today was my first day off after a stretch of 8 days. While I was staying with the baby with the nanny's assistance (I was quite tired as baby wakes up ~3 times/night)- my wife said she finished work early and was coming home early. Given that I don't have another full day off with her for the next 3 weeks; I offered for us to go on a mini dinner date for which she agreed.

When we came back from dinner (as nanny was leaving) I asked to take a 20 minute nap as I was really tired. I was completely exhausted and ended up sleeping for an hour and a half. I was woken up in the middle of sleep to "help the baby with the bath". I'm not sure if other people are irritable when they're woken up, I just felt I needed some time to shake it off and wake up and am less quiet/don't want to talk/more easily frustrated. During this time my wife said I was snappy and being mean to her- the example was that she asked for me to a bottle of medication for the baby downstairs while she was feeding the baby (and while I was putting away my laundry). I said okay (but was continuing to put my laundry away and she asked 'are you in the middle of doing something?' and I told her "Uh obviously" as she saw me folding/taking laundry) and went down to get it right after I put my laundry away (about a 1 minute delay). Afterwards she said that it felt I was upset at her and had attitude and that she "thought the priority was to take care of the baby so [she] could get my stuff ready for work tomorrow". I told her I was in the middle of doing something and that I would get what she requested- but that I felt it was disrespectful to expect me to drop everything I was doing for something that felt non-emergent (baby was still finishing bottle so I had time to just put away what I had been holding). She just felt the way I was talking to her was disrespectful and hurtful and that it seemed I was upset at her. I felt in this instance I was just tired and still trying to "wake up".

I'm scared I have been developing some resentment towards my wife for how I feel I've been treated the last year despite me trying my best to support us alone financially. We've been having this fight about me not pulling my weight 50-50 while I'm at home to take care of the baby since he's been out. And to me it's heartbreaking and so hard, as I feel I can't do much more physically or mentally than what I'm doing now- but at the same time I am providing what I feel is 90-10 financially (I don't take any of the money she makes from working part time; and I still give her a stipend of at least 3k/month in addition to paying for all the rent/utilities, our healthcare/insurance, food, nanny) so I thought it would be understandable that I couldn't. Paying down things that we made as a joint decision that I thought would be equal contributors financially but it ended not being so. But we've been fighting so much (we've both been in therapy, and have been trying to schedule couples therapy (but not as consistently as we'd like given my work schedule). I'm so tired/drained (physically and emotionally; she's wanted more emotional/sexual time together and I just don't have any desire beyond wanting to sleep) and I get that and am sorry- but I just feel like it's so unfair to me at times for what she's expecting and it makes me snappy/upset with her at times for what I feel is unequal expectations to be present/split the duties at home, but also do the majority of everything else (especially financially).

I've tried to explain this to her before; but always seems to be lost in translation/we fight about it and I don't know how many more fights I can bear before I say things I can't take back. I've really been trying with my therapist and she recommends I tell her this instead of building more resentment but I'm just so scared as everytime I try- we end up fighting.