I (22 f) am autistic and asexual, and out as such. My friends (23 nonbi) we'll call Avery and (23 agender) Blake were teaching me about tarot readings. I had an interest but didn't really know how to start. While Avery and Blake were talking, I asked if I should tell Avery I had romantic feelings for them as it had been something on my mind for a while. The deck responded with a yes, and when I put down the card to look up what it meant Avery asked what my question was.

Important context: Avery had recently been broken up with (I can't remember if it was 1 or 2 months ago at the time)

I told Avery I had developed romantic feelings for them, but that it would be ok if they didn't reciprocate and that I was telling them because hiding it felt like lying. Avery said that they were still recovering from the breakup but felt the same. I was understanding and told them to take as much time as they needed and to let me know if/when they were ready.

Over the next couple of months, Avery had several romantic suitors, some preexisting friends, some they just met. Every time Avery wasn't interested in one of them, they said they were still recovering from the breakup. But things started to not line up.

My anxiety about the situation started with someone who met them at their work and after getting their social media account, dm'd them to ask them on a double date so they wouldn't have to go with their roommate and his partner alone. Avery debated going or not, and asked me as well as several other friends. I tried to make it clear that while I didn't think the situation was very safe it is their life and I can't decide for them.

Right before spring break our group of friends decided it would be best to distance ourselves from someone who was a friend, but was crossing a lot of boundaries and not seeming to try and improve despite being talked to about the issues people were having. Avery was one who was having a lot of issues, as that persons persuit of a romantic connection with Avery had felt "predatory". Stalking the floor we live on and where we hang out to try and catch any extra time with Avery, and if it was certain friends instead of Avery, they would pass through and check later to see if Avery was there. I'm not going to go through the full extent of this behavior as it requires context of very personal information, but the last straw was when that person had a mental breakdown, left to punch a wall, and immediately upon coming back made a joke about it harming them. Everyone present went into fight/flight/freeze/ or what they felt was necessary for their safety, fawning (aka telling the possible aggressor what they want to hear to avoid getting attacked).

That person then proceeded to only accept comfort from certain friends. Even if they were saying the same thing, it would only soothe them when Avery or Blake said it. If it was someone else, they would get more agitated. After only 2/5 of us sent our "this friendship isn't working" message, not only did Avery not do so when they had agreed to, but let that person complain and badmouth one of our friends who has been nothing but forgiving and respectful. Let's call this kind friend Lars. After that person gets done trashing Lars, Avery texts them that they are here for them, which, at least in my opinion is the exact opposite of cutting ties. When Avery shared that was there response, I was so confused, I asked if that was the best way to handle it, because if Avery was so uncomfortable around them and was still planning on not spending time with them,that kind of mixed message is more harmful than just ending it. That should have clued me in, but after 4 years of being friends with Avery, I trusted them.

During spring break I find out from someone else in a group chat that they went on a date. This sends my anxiety spiraling. So, I beg them to tell me honestly if they are genuinely interested in pursuing a relationship or if they were trying to spare my feelings, and point out that what they told me is eeriely similar to what they told people that they have explicitly stated they aren't attracted to. They respond with "I said that to them and you because it's the truth." I should have questioned it further.

Then, Lars admits to a mutual friend, we'll call Adam, that he has romantic feelings for Adam. Adam politely declines, stating he "doesn't date friends". A few days short of a week later Adam confesses attraction for Avery, and they are in the 'talking it out stage'. But of course I find out not only that a romantic relationship was being considered, but that a day later they are officially dating, from SOMEONE ELSE. A different mutual friend. I was sick before they started dating, but I didn't even get a message. After being told that I tell myself that they just didn't have enough time to tell me. So I hang out, even asking what I missed while I was unwell. Nothing. A few days later I can't take the lack of sleep and anxiety.

I ask for a private conversation at their earliest convenience. They ask what it's about so they can mentally prepare. "Friend told me you and Adam are dating" "Ok?" "FRIEND told me you and Adam are dating" As in not Avery telling me after they told me they would be interested.

They understood what I meant and agreed to try and arrange the private conversation. This took place on a Monday. By Friday I was still the only one reaching out to try and arrange it. For 7 days I had barely slept, had a hard time eating, could barely find the motivation to get out of bed. Fighting the anxiety and depression off second by second, taking my max allotment of anxiety medication. They had initiated a conversation ONCE that entire week, and it was because they needed something. I told them I could skip having it in person but I needed those answers because I was struggling (over discord). Ghosted. Worst than ghosted. I later found out that they were responding to other people's discord messages but actively avoiding mine. I gave up.

I texted them the conversation was no longer necessary. I didn't leave my dorm room except to use the bathroom that Saturday. I cried myself to sleep. A few days later I find out Lars is quite hurt by them because they were supposed to be working on a project together all semester but Avery was neglecting their end of the deal, and Lars was left to do the work alone despite not having enough background in the subject.

I'll admit. I snapped. I could have worded it better. I should have left it alone, but I was angry. I sent a very long and pretty harsh message about how they needed to apologize to me and 2 friends without talking to those friends first. Word got back to Lars in less than a minute and I didn't think about what I had done until he looked at me and asked about it. I apologized to him and the others that were involved profusely. A day later I get the response. A "don't call me a liar" with a passive aggressive:) and a lot of "I'm sorry you feel that way" with a little sprinkling of it was just more convenient to lie even after you asked me to be honest. 2 minutes before a class, and Avery knows my class schedule. I had to fight tears on my way to a studio class, and getting anything done was an uphill battle.

I have been struggling since. Maxing 3 hours of sleep a night, and for Easter break I spent about 3 of the four days alone, with brief interactions if any. Every time I see Avery it hurts. I know Adam didn't know that it would hurt me but the way he looks at me guarantees Avery has been trashing me behind my back, as well as a few other friends that knew Avery first. I'm not even sure my pain is justified or if the few friends that I still have are just trying to make me feel better. I want to make it clear that what hurts is that Avery lied, several times for several months as I thought I could trust them.

I had a similar situation with Lars where I felt it more fair to tell him, but still made it clear that I would be fine with continuing strictly platonically. Lars said he appreciated my honesty but he wasn't interested in a romantic relationship, and that was it. No tears, no pain, no crisis.

AITAH for ruining my friendship with Avery? Do I just need to get over myself?