I bet you haven’t heard that before.. or maybe you have.

I feel extremely guilty for what I did to my ex boyfriend/fiancé. Could I even call him my ex fiancé? He dreamed of marrying me and while, he never proposed, he always said we’re already married because “we live together”. I stayed over at his house very often. We met when I was 17 and he was 21. This was a very weird time for me, I didn’t want to find a long term relationship, I was just messing around.. i mean god I was a junior in high school and he had been graduated for 3 years. He was a refinery worker as well, and he didn’t tell me until the week he left for work. I didn’t even know what a refinery worker was..

I’d ignore any man who wasn’t him, until I saw my now husband. Well, until my now husband spoke to me. I had a crush on him, a huge crush on him. He made me feel special because he’d put in effort that my ex boyfriend wouldn’t.. yet he barely knew me then. October 10-11 is the day my ex boyfriend left for work. At this point I was graduated and had a job. My now husband had asked for my instagram that day, October 9. We immediately clicked. I did give him my instagram and he texted me shortly after our shift ended. It wasn’t flirty at first, but you could tell there was attraction. October 11-12, me and my now husband kissed. I had cheated on my ex bf.

So, three days after my ex bf leaves, I try to break up with him, because of what I did. At first, I didn’t give him a reason on why. I don’t remember what I said just that I wanted to break up, and he told me.. no. He wouldn’t accept it. That I can’t break up with him only in person. He’d only accept it in person. My husband knew I had a boyfriend but he also knew I was unhappy and wanting to break up with him. Eventually, by the time he came back, we had done.. a lot. So i try to break up with him again… and he begs me to stay, and he begged me to stay up until three days after he came back. I told him at one point that “I like someone else” and he was mortified. He didn’t know I cheated but he suspected it. Instead of ever asking me, he hacked into my instagram and went through all my messages. I figured he knew so after the fourth day, i refused to see him. He kept on asking me to see him and because of how guilty i felt I always caved in. Anytime, during these three days, anything he asked, I did. At one point he got on top of me, and I felt like I couldn’t say no. I felt so depressed during this time.

Around the fourth-fifth day he confronts me finally. And he uses that as a way to get my husband to separate from me. I admit to him i did cheat on him but I also break some news to him.

I was sexually assaulted a few days before he left by a man at my work. I felt that was my fault so I never told him about it. I had cried so much to that and when I wanted to open up to my ex bf, he got mad at me that day.. i don’t even remember for what, I just remember feeling like it was all my fault. He immediately feels sorry for me. But he still insist for me to tell my husband about how i slept with him. So I do. I tell my husband, but he wasn’t mad. My husband wasn’t mad, just a little upset and jealous but he just said to get rid of him. I eventually fell asleep. Shortly after, I woke up to my husband calling me and.. he ended things with me. Why? My ex bf called him and called me out on all my little white lies and convinced him that I was better off with him. I begged, I begged and begged and begged for my husband to stay with me but he didn’t. He loved me and it hurt him to see me sad, upset but he thought it was better to let me go with someone better.

Me and my ex bf get back together but only for a few days. I couldn’t handle it. I just wanted my husband, I didn’t want my ex bf and my ex bf just “wanted me to give it another chance and he’d be okay, if it didn’t work out”. Then I tell my husband about how I couldn’t say no to him… and how he threatened to kill us… and my husband tries to save me, he comes back, but at what cost? Oh, did I mention my ex boyfriend threatened to kill me and my husband? Yeah, he even found out my husbands apartment.

Anyways, I dont remember much of what happened the next month. It was just me being on and off with both guys… kinda. I love my husband. But, I couldn’t say no to my ex, i always felt guilty.

The only time, where I admit it was all me, where I chose a wrong decision.. was when my ex bf went on a date with another girl, and she posted them on her story, while he was sweet talking me. I got extremely jealous, and I demanded him to see me. He kissed the girl and stuff, got her involved in this shitshow and went to go see me. I made my husband drive me to my apartment with my ex bf.. Side note, me and my ex bf got an apartment at this point.. in the middle of us arguing n stuff. I loved that apartment but I had to let it go because I love my husband.

.. me and my husband broke up then..

My ex bf and me decided to try to make up.. i mean we had an apartment together.

But he still talked to that girl.

He “tried his best” but he couldn’t let her go.

He tried to get me pregnant, tried to even marry me.. he told me he loved me, yet about a week later i found he was sexting the girl. He was planning to meet up with her to have sex but they never did because she was on a goddamn trip. He would text her while ai was at work or making him food in the kitchen. So i left him. When i found out, he just looked down at me and it actually scared me. He smiled and pushed me away as I tried to grab his phone to see the messages. He would yank my hand away and stuff and then I felt threatened. So i ran to the bathroom and called my husband. He called the police and raced towards me.

Eventually, the police left but then my ex.. started sending questionable messages.. He would tell my husband that if “i didnt talk to her i’ll crash my car” “im being serious”. When we were heading towards my husband apartment, we notice him following us. That night he got arrested yet again with three counts of harassment.

I felt horrible. I texted one of his good friends to help him get bail out since he helped him out last time. Anyways, I don’t remember what happen, but he convinced me too see him again…

I forget what happens but i remember one incident. One day, my husband makes me choose between him and my ex. Obviously, I want my husband but i was currently at my old apartment with my ex. I try to rush out… and my ex grabs me. He holds me down. I try my best to escape but im only 90 pounds while he was around double my weight. He covered my mouth to muffle my screams. He held me down for about an hour. He took my phone away as well so I couldn’t text anyone.

Somehow i managed to convince him to let him use my phone, and i scream at my husband for help.. but my husband was done with me at this point and just tells me to call my father.

Ex drives me to work that day. I tell him to not see me again, he tried to take me home by coming to my job.. i get escorted to my husbands car.

Eventually, me and my husband get married.

And guess what.

I cheat on him.

How? My ex.

My ex made me pity him so much that I felt like I had to do everything he told me.

He tried everything to contact me.. and when I went to the apartment one last time to get all my things.. he put a camera down that it could alert him when i came by. Anyways, I get karma again. I found out during this time, he was still texting that other girl mentioned earlier.. and I believe he was fucking her too. Not only her but apparently he had a hookup as well as he was sweet talking me. He never told me this. I only found out through his girl.

Eventually, my husband finds out because my ex tells him.. And guess what i do?

i get so stressed out, so maniac, so sad, i try to kill myself. (i have a history of doing this when i get stressed out lol) I yelled at my ex before i did it, and he just told me it was all me.. it was all my fault. I chose this. In a way, yeah, but i felt so betrayed and hurt. I just wanted pain.

My husband takes me to the hospital and he says.. “our marriage, fight for our marriage. stay with me.” i spent 7 days at a behavioral center.

I come out, and within a few days, text my ex bf but for revenge. I wanted to be mad at him, i wanted to ruin him. I apparently do end up messing up their relationship.. but tbh, i didn’t really. Because I came back to messages from my ex on facebook, snapchat, and even whatsapp while they were dating. Oh him and the girl from earlier finally get together while I am gone at the hospital.

Anyways, it finally all ends. Every now and then he’d try to contact me, and I admit i do look and sometimes respond but never do i try to be flirty.. i don’t want to be. Im over it.

Should i forgive my ex boyfriend? Am i guilty? Is it all me? I started this, so am i in the wrong? Did i ruin him? Do i deserve a apology from anyone? No one has given me one. Do i deserve this?