I’m a parent of a 13-year-old seventh grader at a private Catholic school, which I pay $10,000 a year for. Recently, I had a frustrating experience with the school regarding a detention that my child was given. I want to get some outside perspective on whether I’m overreacting or if I’m in the right for pushing back.

Here’s the full situation:

My child was given a detention for something I don’t think should’ve escalated to that level. According to the teacher and the substitute, my child was working on an assignment, finished it, and then put his head down. To me, that’s not a big deal—it seems like a normal behavior when a child is done with their work. The teacher then moved him to a different seat, but later, the substitute said my child allegedly pushed his chair into the desk, which caused it to slam into the table, and that he allegedly kicked the garbage can. Based on this, they decided to issue a detention.

Here’s where things start to get frustrating for me: 1. Lack of Communication: I was never contacted before they decided to give my child the detention. They questioned him without involving me first, even though I’m his parent and his voice in situations like this should be heard. I don’t believe in decisions being made without at least discussing things with me first.

2.  Absence of Clarity and Certainty: I understand that schools have to manage behavior, but how can any serious decision like this be made based on just written notes from a substitute teacher, especially when the event is a bit unclear? Why wasn’t there an effort to get further clarification, ask additional questions, or look at the situation more deeply before escalating it to punishment? Decisions should always be based on clarity and certainty—not assumptions or perceptions.

3.  Benefit of the Doubt: A child, especially at that age, should always be given the benefit of the doubt in situations like this. I’m not asking for my child to be allowed to misbehave, but the actions described don’t seem like they warrant a detention, and I believe they should’ve been given a chance to explain things before anything was done.

4.  Overstepping My Parental Authority: During the meeting, when I expressed my disagreement with the detention, they told me that the decision had already been made, and they would stand by it. I explicitly told them that I did not approve of the detention, and yet they went ahead and issued it anyway. To me, that felt like an overstep of my parental authority, and I feel that my role as a parent and advocate for my child should’ve been respected more in this process.

5.  Detention Served Against My Wishes: After I told them that my child would not be serving the detention, they still went ahead and made him serve it anyway. They justified this by saying it was during class time, and because he was “free” during that period, it was acceptable. I don’t agree with that reasoning, especially after I made it clear that I didn’t approve of the detention. It felt like they ignored my wishes as a parent and just did what they wanted anyway.

6.  Ganged Up On: To make matters worse, when I voiced my concerns, they brought in my child’s math teacher toward the end of the meeting to back up their decision. It felt like a gang-up and that they were trying to validate their stance with a third person, even though I still don’t believe their reasoning was solid. If they were truly confident in their decision, why did they feel the need to bring in others to support them?

7.  Possible Misunderstanding: As for the incidents of pushing the chair and allegedly kicking the garbage can, when I questioned my child about them, he seemed to think these actions were pretty innocent and unintentional. They didn’t seem to be meant to harm or disrespect the school property. It feels like these could very well have been misunderstandings or simple mistakes, and I’m not convinced they warranted the severity of a detention.

8.  The Bigger Picture: The reason this situation is so important to me is that my child and I have a goal for him to attend a Catholic private high school. The problem with detentions, especially for something as minor as this, is that they stay on his record. And too many detentions can lead to in-school suspensions or worse, which can seriously derail his future goals. That’s why these seemingly small incidents are such a big deal to me—I don’t want anything standing in the way of his potential, especially when it seems like the punishment doesn’t fit the “crime.”

9.  Inconsistencies in Following the Handbook: I’ve read their student handbook several times, as this isn’t the first time I’ve had to challenge one of my child’s detentions. In fact, in the past, the principal admitted to being at fault for issuing a detention that I successfully had dismissed. There seems to be a pattern of inconsistencies in following their own policy. Even though they claim to follow their detention policy, the expectations for behavior appear to be elevated when there’s a substitute teacher, even though the handbook doesn’t specify that. In my opinion, every teacher should treat behavior consistently and follow the handbook guidelines.

This situation has left me feeling frustrated and a little helpless. I understand that schools need rules and structure, but I don’t think decisions like this should be made lightly or without clarity. I want to make sure my child’s future is on the right path and that his record isn’t tainted by minor incidents that don’t deserve such harsh consequences.

So, AITAH for questioning the detention and pushing back against the school’s decision?