I (F17) Never learned to love my (M14) severely autistic brother. He is non verbal, thus I never fostered a proper relationship with him. I suggested my family multiple times to leave him in the hands who was properly equipped to handle somebody as violent as him but they, as expected, persisted to take care of him even though it's clear as day they do not know how to handle him at all. I would somewhat consider myself to be a glass child. When he has his outbursts it is extremely violent. We have literally been abstaining from any form of gadget for 3 years ever since he broke 3 of our televisions. 7 phones. And one computer. He punches us, kicks us, he bites us, hits us in the eyes, broke my grandfather's nose — punches the walls, the floors, throws the sofa. He is tall and far more physically stronger than me and my mother combined. He constantly gets the affirmation, the gifts, the compliments, the attention, the decisions on where to go whilst it always felt as if I've lived by his sidelines. He needs special care and that was left in the hands of a maid that doesn't like me and continues to constantly insult and degrade me. (But they can't confront him either because she's the only one, so far that's willing to get punched, slapped, and kicked.) He is on medications and special school but his outbursts are still violent and always end in someone getting hurt. The only thing that's keeping him in bay is his phone.

Just to preface this, I will never blame him for his condition but part of me feels like this child is sadistic. I don't want to be associated with him in any way, and as much as I love my mother I will definitely not continue the legacy of taking care of him. He's made my childhood just absolutely miserable. I respect my families decision but I have made it clear to them that I do not love him. At all.

Are my feelings valid or am I a horrible person for feeling this way?