My (26F) relationship with my family is mostly okay, but somewhat strained. I don’t have a relationship with my mother, I cut contact with her a few years ago after a turbulent upbringing. I won’t go into details, but let’s just say I really tried to keep our relationship but it was causing me a lot of harm.

My parents are no longer together, and both have new partners. My father and I live in different cities. I’m a student and working mostly full time, and I usually go back as often as I can to see my grandparents, dad and siblings. I’m going home for my birthday this year and was looking forward to it. I’ve been disappointed on my birthday in the past and generally struggle to celebrate them. Last year on my birthday I spent the day at work all day.

My father recently told me that he was going to come to my city on my birthday and that maybe we could meet in the daytime, because he’s going to a birthday party in the evening. I was confused and then sad, because I had told him previously that I took time off work to come home for a while, and one of those days being my birthday. He’s going to the birthday of his girlfriend’s best friend, and she’s turning 50.

Here’s where I might be wrong. I reacted very strongly to this and was very upset. I left the conversation because I wasn’t able to calm myself down and needed space, and didn’t want to say something I would regret while in that headspace. But I feel like he shouldn’t have gone to someone else’s birthday party on my birthday, especially someone he doesn’t really know. It’s more of an obligation to his girlfriend. But he keeps insisting that I’m wrong because I’m turning 27 and she’s turning 50, which is a milestone, and we can celebrate my birthday another day. I find that difficult because it’s my one day in the whole year. He says he can’t keep that date clear every year for the rest of his life. Even when I tell him how I feel he says it’s like a threat for him to stay home and that if that’s what ruins our relationship he can’t understand me. He thinks I’m really unreasonable, that I am somewhat selfish, and that I can be sad about it but that I should understand his view.

I’m still really hurt by this. It’s not the age, it’s about feeling hurt and let down, and not prioritised. I told my therapist about it and he got upset on my behalf saying I am in the right about how I feel, but my dad said he wants to speak to him now, because he doesn’t agree with him and can’t understand why we would feel like this. Not really relevant, but I also am that person in our family that make a big deal of everyone else’s birthday, I usually take time off, go home and bake lots of cakes and plan celebrations. I know very well I can’t except everyone to do the same that I do, but perhaps it does play into how I feel…

Am I wrong to be so upset and feel like he should’ve prioritised me on this day? Especially when he doesn’t even know the lady who’s birthday it is that well?