My fiancé (29 M) and I (27 F) have been engaged for 5 months. We live together in a home that rent from my parents. 5 months ago, my soon to be sister in law also moved in and is renting a room from us. Now, I have control issues, not of people but of my surroundings, due to childhood trauma. I also need things to be (physical things) to be a certain way before I can relax. My fiancé knows this. He does a lot to make me safe.

Over the past few months, little things that she does has become irritating. Anytime I try to talk to him about he reminds me that it is temporary or that I should let it go. Sometimes he even gets upset that I am voicing how I am feeling. He tells me that I have a short fuse for his family when they are here but I turn my head the other way when it is my family. I acknowledged this and told him that he is correct, but it used to be a long fuse. Over time and having to keep quiet, it has become a short fuse. Now, I easily get irritated with her, which I understand makes me overreact in the moment. Little things like leaving crumbs, or half a sink of dishes, or not pushing her chair in, leaving drinks on the counter, bugging me to move my laundry but keeps hers in the dryer for long periods, covering the stove in grease and never cleaning it, and literally never even straightening up her / guest bathroom, even when we have guests. It isn’t much, but it irritates me. What’s worse is she tends to make the biggest mess just after I clean.

On top of that she has a cat, she had two but one passed. The number one rule when she moved in is that they can’t leave her room. Why? Because we have a very territorial cat and two dogs. Plus her cats are known for clawing furniture. After the one cat passed away, my fiancé and her decided that they could test the waters with letting the other cat out in the house. Now we our furniture has claw marks which she refuses to believe come from her cat, but he jumps on the counters and eats our pets food. When we leave we ask her if she can watch the dogs, if she says no, we put the away. She just leaves the cat out. Even when she is home she doesn’t watch her cat but is terrified that her cat will be hurt by ours, despite the multiple warnings.

She also makes comments about not wanting people in the house (my family was in town and stayed with us for a funeral) and right after they left, she made that comment.

She interrupts our “us” time. During dinner she will come into the kitchen and ask for things to be done. So he gets up and does them. Little things that I KNOW she can for herself because she does them all of the time. That’s just one example.

Anything that comes out of her mouth is either a complaint, something about her cat, or an insult that she sees nothing with (usually aimed at her family, including my fiancé).

Today was sort of a final straw. This weekend I baked. I had the goods sitting on the counter so we could snack on them over the weekend. Her cat jumped up out on the counter and messed up the goods, so I had to throw them away. She was unapologetic. My fiancé was sorry and gave me a hug. He had been very loving with me all morning, prior to this next incident. I told him it was okay. Then I was going through the recipe book to make something new when she saw our cat claw something, which he rarely does, and immediately saw the opportunity to make a comment in relation to her cat. I looked at my fiancé and made this with my fingers - 🤏🏻. He didn’t know what I meant so I said nvm. He asked again and I told him nvm. He asked again and I told him, thinking I was in a safe space. He immediately got upset with me, and stopped being lovey. I asked him if he was upset and he acknowledged that he was ignoring me.

I went to our room to calm down and grasp my head around what just happened. I asked him to come talk, which lead to argument. I told him he is supposed to be my safe space, not just hers. I should be able to tell him how I feel without it causing an argument. I told him he had pride and was protecting her. He rolled his eyes and said I always give him shit. I always am upset (keep in mind this is coming from a man who gets upset at literally everything). That it’s never enough. And he proceeds to bring my family into it. All I wanted was to be able to tell him that I am trusted without him automatically protecting her. He said we should never have anyone over if it is always going to result in this. He said back when it was just us this never happened, to which I reminded him “back when it was just us”. I told him that telling me to just get over things is like a mom telling a kid to stop having anxiety. I told him my brain is wired this way, he said it isn’t about that and that I could still get over things but I chose not to. (Wtf? I can’t change who I am).

We went our separate ways, both still upset. After a while I went back out and told him that I would like talk in our room. He ignored me and started putting dishes away. I waited. He continued. I asked again to go talk and he said I had to wait. I reminded him that I asked prior to him doing the dishes. He didn’t care. He told me he didn’t want to talk. I told him that’s not how relationships work, we have to talk it out. He said I could do whatever I wanted about it. I asked what was more important in the moment, resolving “us” or the dishes. His response was “in the moment, the dishes”.

I know I am crazy and that most people don’t care about little things. I know I have my issues. I know my faults. I have been holding back for five months to make this a smooth transition for all of us, because I know she is important to him and they have a great bond, but I was also thinking I could explain how I am feeling without it turning into this.