We’d been dating for almost two months. Im 27m I used to get bullied a lot in school but when I met her I finally had great vibes. (She is 25m) We laughed a lot, i thought it was all great. So when she texted “hey, can we talk about where this is going?” I thought perfect. Time to optimize.

As someone with six years in corporate strategy and a bullet journal I treat like a living organism, I knew I needed a visual aid. So I built a PowerPoint. Six slides. Nothing crazy.

Slide 1: Title “Synergy & Scalability: A Romantic Outlook”

Slide 2: An org chart of our “relationship structure” showing her as the “Chief Emotional Officer” and me as the “Director of Affection (North America)”

Slide 3: Competitive Analysis – comparing her to my exes (she scored highest in “sarcasm quality” and “smells like bergamot”)

Slide 4: KPIs for the relationship:

Weekly cuddles (target: 3x/week)

Conflict resolution speed (goal: under 18 minutes)

Number of memes exchanged (stretch goal: 25/week)

Slide 5: Timeline with milestones like “Meet the parents,” “Accidentally get matching tattoos,” “Adopt a dog and name it something ironic like ‘Chair’”

Slide 6: My proposal: Enter into an exclusive partnership with quarterly check-ins and flexible terms for renegotiation.

I presented it to her at a wine bar. On my laptop. I even brought a laser pointer.

She didn’t laugh. She blinked. Blinked again. Then said—and I quote—“Are you conducting a merger or asking me to be your girlfriend?”

I said, “Ideally both.”

She stood up, said “you are clinically unwell,” and left before the charcuterie arrived.

I waited 15 minutes, just in case she was testing me. Then boxed up the cheese and finished her wine (Syrah, for anyone curious).

Here’s the part I don’t get: her roommate texted me later that night to tell me “I’m going viral in the group chat” and “they’re calling you CFO: Chief Fumbling Officer.”

Which honestly is unprofessional.

I offered to send her the slides as a PDF so she could review them privately and make an informed decision. No reply.

I’m not this delusional. She actually left because I referred to her cat as “a vibe disruptor” and said I “don’t do litter boxes.” But if this goes viral, I might actually make the de