I’m seriously struggling with bitterness. So, this friend, we will call her Megan, are both sophomores in college now, and we’ve been friends for about eight years. We met in middle school, back then, I hadn’t really found “my people” yet. Megan came into my life around that time and my energy felt matched. I’d be so excited to see her at school and we became really close. During COVID, when we were freshmen in high school, we FaceTimed almost daily. Her family even owns a small cabin and invited me up there. I genuinely considered her my best friend, I wasnt hers but it was ok since I was the newer friend and she had history with other people. It logically didn’t bother me. In our friendship she would say really mean things or tease me a lot and then claim it was just how she loved me, but she definitely had a bit of a temper if you did it back. I didn't realize how bad this would become. 

Sophomore year hit and we were growing into ourselves. Megan was the funny, weird, athletic girl who “just happened to turn out pretty” her words, not mine. I always thought she was beautiful, but she didn’t believe it. I was the book-smart, gullible, considered by her a little ditsy, but I was well-liked by teachers and getting a reputation for being smart. Megan struggled but I always let her copy my homework pretty often. That’s around when I started to feel like an afterthought for her. As an adult looking back, I realize I was tying my self-worth way too much to my friendships. And with Megan, it went deeper, if she liked me this girl who was consider the prettiest and coolest (it was a small class so it wasn’t super hard) then maybe that made me interesting. But she stopped inviting me places and reaching out like she used to, it hurt. I figured it was because she got back into a relationship with her ex, but I still went from someone she called constantly to someone she barely talked to except at lunch. When summer rolled around, I kind of made a mental note to see how long it would take for her to initiate anything. It didn’t happen. I reached out a few times to tan or grab lunch, but most plans fell through, she said she was busy or sad from a breakup. I tried to be understanding.

Junior year started, and I was in a good place, student council, soccer, liked my teachers and I was feeling good again. Megan spent the first 2 months barely talking to anyone, just staring at her ex in the halls. She had broken up with him that summer, and now it seemed like she was falling back into old patterns. I tried to help, called her out when it got excessive, but she got mad at me. Then came October, and she passed me a note saying she was going to get back together with him. I responded with a long note explaining why I didn’t think it was a good idea. Somewhere in there, I said, “He’s just a guy.” That set her off. She blew up and wrote that he wasn’t just a guy they had history. I tried to explain what I meant, but she shut down. Around the same time, I was reconnecting with this guy, let’s call him Alex, who she had introduced me to from another school. I liked him when I met him, but I had not romantic experience and horrible anxiety and got nervous and flaked a lot. I thought maybe I could have courage and give it a chance. Megan and I had argued earlier that summer about me being indecisive with Alex, and she really came at me hard, cursing me out, calling me flaky, saying I was playing with his feelings. She knew I had anxiety and zero relationship experience, so it felt extra harsh. That day, Alex texted me asking how my day was, I said not great and mentioned I had argued with Megan about her ex. I figured it wasn’t a secret, Megan had always said Alex was like a brother, and this had all started days ago. Suddenly, my phone is blowing up. Megan is cursing me out again, accusing me of spreading her business. I was crying, trying to explain that I didn’t mean anything by it. That’s when Alex told me what was really going on. Turns out, Megan and Alex had been dating toward the end of the summer. She made it a rule not to tell me because she thought I still liked him over the summer but then she broke up with him that morning telling him she wasn’t ready for a relationship. Meanwhile, she had been emotionally cheating on him with her ex. And all the while, I’d been asking her for advice on how to get Alex to maybe like me again and not be anxious around him, not knowing she was literally with him. After that, we both expected apologies from each other that never came. Through the grapevine, I heard she was telling people I was boring and only cared about school. By the end of junior year, we were only speaking in group settings or when we ran into each other at a dance hall we both liked.

By senior year, most of the pain had dulled, but it had all left a mark. That year was already hard, I had a lot of personal issues. I didn’t know it then, but that’s when my depression really started. Megan and her ex got back together again (they broke up again that summer). We were talking again too but never the same. I kept hoping she’d apologize. One night, our friend group was hanging out. I brought up what happened that year and told her I was sorry for what happened. She said, “It’s okay,” and that was it. No reflection. No ownership. That year, I found a new group of friends at a local dance hall. They were so kind and fun. Without them I actually don’t think I would be here today. As time went on Megan and I started reconnecting a bit more. We went prom dress shopping, I joined her jiu jitsu gym for a little. It felt like we were getting better. But even in our good moments I was never important. She rarely reached out first. Rarely made plans unless it was convenient. I was always the one putting in the effort. She liked to say she was a “low-maintenance friend,” but to me, it felt like she just didn’t care. I told her quality time was my love language. She never really took that in or anything else about me. Suddenly, she invited me to come to her college orientation. Her and her brother got to bring one friend and she chose me. I was excited and hoped maybe I was her first pick. The trip was great. Her parents were kind as always, her dad has even told my mom I was his favorite of Megan’s friends. The last day of the trip was actually the day before my 18th birthday and we got back so late that we stayed up till my birthday. She didn’t realize it was my birthday right away, but that was fine. But the next day I was hoping she would maybe want to go to the mall or something but she slept in and then gave absolutely no indication of wanting to be near me, I figured it was because we spent the last 2 days together but still it was my 18th. Luckily her parents bought kolaches and were the first to wish me a happy birthday that morning besides my mom who called. But during the trip we talked about living together once we were at the same college and that made me excited because I figured that living together would help reignite the friendship in a super amazing way, boy was I wrong.

During our freshman year, we saw each other a few times on breaks or weekends at home. We even took weekend to visit her for her birthday. But she wasn’t a great host, more focused on her new boyfriend and drinking but it’s ok because it was her birthday and didn’t know how bad my travel anxiety was, or maybe just ignored it. Later, I tried to stay connected through phone calls and texts, but she didn’t seem interested. I unfortunately started isolating myself as my depression worsened and I began failing in school. I told myself we were both just busy.

Sophomore year arrived, and I was excited to live with her. I dreamed of dance parties, late-night talks, fun cooking sessions, THE roommate experience. But the honeymoon phase ended fast. To be transparent I was also jealous of her friendship with one of our roommates, we’ll call her Ana, who was older and of the same ethnicity, so they had that in common. They had known each other for probably a year and a half maybe but got close fast, and Megan invited her to do everything. It stung because it proved Megan could be a good friend, just not to me. I didn’t understand because she has known me for so long like what does she see that she doesn’t value me in a way to be a priority.

Ana and I got along really well, but she seemed locked into her dynamic Megan, which is fair but sometimes it is excessive like letting things go that shouldn’t be and making excuses but I can’t blame her because I used to do the same thing, Tensions rose when I stopped catering to Megan and no longer had the energy to listen to her constant ups and downs with her boyfriend or when I would mention anything about my life she would unintentionally circle it back to her. I also got into another really bad spot and my room became a heavy burden BUT I always kept the shared spaces clean because of anxiety about being judged. I never expected or put any pressure on her or anyone to get me out of my depression, but I figured after 8 years she might have noticed which later she mentioned she did. She eventually told me she had.  It’s hard to include all the other things like how messy she was and loud with her boyfriend and slamming doors but things really escalated when I told her a few weeks ago about my depression. I was in a semi good spot and we were studying in the living room and she mentioned her brother maybe having it so I figure this time I should tell her. I told her about it and explained how thats why my room is so messy all the time and this this and that and she said she noticed it when I started acting weird and my room being messy which she’s made snide comments about in the past. 

Weeks later, she came into my room asking for chocolate. My room was at its worst, I had just gotten back from a trip, then got sick with strep and RSV, and had to catch up on lectures and exams. She practically pushed into my room to start tidying, and I told her no, but she insisted. I have a weird boundary around people being in my room and helping me clean, so I said we could do it later. I had an exam the next day and didn’t want to argue.  Megan and I made a pinky promise that she could help clean your room, but you ended up breaking it because you realized you were deeply uncomfortable with the idea and didn't communicate it well. She gave me this whole lecture about wasting her time and I said I'm sorry and we picky promised again. Over spring break, I realized she was just pushing me to do this so she would feel better and not me so when she confronted me again, I told her I had to break this, and it was something I was uncomfortable with. She goes in her room and slams her door and give me the silent treatment for a week. I tried to talk to her about it, she focused almost entirely on the broken promise rather than your reasons or feelings. She kept centering herself, repeated her own perspective, and avoided saying sorry. I tired to be vulnerable and clear, but she turned things around or give subtle lectures about cleanliness and priorities. She also made a comment about me needing professional help in the most passive aggressive way possible. Now she still isn’t talking to me that much and theres a lot more about the amount that she gossips, how she tell hers boyfriend everything (he’s not a good person, he’s very manipulative and has an even worse temper than her), and how she belittles me when I open up to my struggles. I know this just sounds like I’m just shitting on her completely and I’m really trying not to be bias about our experiences together and there’s a lot of good ones but these major ones, typing them out sounds really bad. Like it's the whole “why are they even friends?”, it’s really hard because she is my closest oldest friend and I really really love her and I really just want to apologize for this grudge I guess and move on because there's so much history but over the years I’ve met so many amazing people, some active in my life and some not, who have been such amazing friends and it’s made me feel mad at her for how she has treated me. She probably has ADHD, and she really struggles with empathy so that may explain some of it but anyways she’s apart of some of favorite memories. So, am I the asshole or is this not a big deal?