This is a lot for me but I really need to get this off my chest as well, I have this one best friend who just lost her father months ago and is still grieving. I knew she wanted validation, she's enraged, she's sad, she's overwhelming and she needs someone to talk to but I just couldn't bring myself to help her as much. I want to be there for her, I truly do, I want to comfort her, I want to say thing she wants to hear but I just cant. back then I used to be the master of comforting people but lately I've changed. I had enough of babying people with words of comforts because I know my effort only brings temporary comfort and they'll revert back

it just piss me off that im like this and couldn't help her. I know this might sound selfish of me but I just don't want her to be around me. I don't want her to vent to me. it feels pressuring, burdening, and really makes my day worse. my life isn't even good and just having to listen to her vents really ruins my mood and day.

maybe it's the way she vents that really piss me off, I noticed her behaviour changed ever since her dad passed away and she does so as well. she came to me the other day and started crying all of the fucking sudden and I just hate that. it's putting me on the spot and I hate it. she cried and said "why do I feel like I'm getting more and more sensitive. i thought I've gotten better but the doctor told me to take more anti depressants. I had to take pills, (my name). Sometimes I just feel like I want to die" and hearing it just fucking piss me off so much and I don't know why, I just hate hearing negative words like that. maybe its because it brought me back to when I was 13-14 where I had these era, but I never lost my dad.

few days ago, we were going to a mall and after having a blast touring and everything, she came to me at the end of our trip and started crying so badly. she said "every corner of this mall I've went with my dad. why did he leave me? I want dad. I want dad!" screaming and crying and I just fucking hate to see that. I hate everything about this. I hate myself for not doing anything. for not saying anything. I just got so speechless, I didn't know what to do or say anymore. I stood there looking fucking stupid amidst the crowd.

ever since that, I notice myself constantly avoiding her, I don't want to do this it's making me feel horrible of myself but I just don't like to be around her anymore. oh trust me I've tried my best to be there for her again, to force myself just for her. but I just can't, it's like my body is refusing to. I even notice myself subconsciously ignore her when she suddenly came to me when I was with my friends.

she's my best friend, and back then I will always greet her with a warm smile and a warm welcome. she even told me she felt like at home when I'm around. but why did everything change now? why can't I be for her when she needs me the most. she needs me right now. she even asked me one time that she noticed me drifting away and I had no fucking idea how to respond to that. am I the asshole? please help me I don't know what to do