I am 19F born and brought up in well educated islamic houshold in India, tho my father is not as educated in wordly degrees but he has immense knowledge in islam and he follows those as well so you can guess what type of person my father (I love him so much, it's something I only realised recently) but the stories I have heard from my mother are completely different she says "your father was not allowing you to go to school and get worldly education he wanted to sent you to a madrasa but I starved myself so that you can get education" and so much more, the typical after marriage drama and worse.

As a women i sympathies with her but as a HER DAUGHTER I can't forgive her.

From a very young age, after my brother was born (I was 6 at that time) I have only remembered her bad mouthing me like the worst type of words, insults, one time she said "suar jesi shakal h teri" and I was a child so asked my father innocently "abba hum suar jese dikhte h" I still remember the terror I say in my father's eyes, he didn't said anything to her infront of me but something changed and she stoped saying that to me, i remember when I a child my father wouldn't connect with me emotionally on regular basis but i do remember that loved me than just as much as he loves me now.

So what happened was i was proposed by a man and I told my family like esi esi baat h and the rest is you decision, for your kind information i wasn't in relationship with him, anyways my mother cursed me and my unborn kids and all the type of worst sentences, and I on the other hand would cry and beg for her forgiveness but she would then curse me even more, my father on the other would console me and would say "focus on your carrier beta, ladko wali umeed lagai h apse" and everytime she saw me and my father talking she would curse me behind his back, it has been a year ever since and she forced me to delete all my socials and I did just so that she could be at peace and i remember working my head off just to impress her but she never once said that she is proud of me, I topped in my 10th in my school but that wasn't enough for her, she said "we invested so much on you and this is the percentage you got (89%)" and then I cried in front of her after than that she would tell everyone that I cried because i couldn't higher marks, tho that wasn't the reason I cried but my father very openly and loudly said "mera naam roshan kardiya beta apne, mujhe garv h ap par". A month ago i downloaded snap again because this is the only thing through which I can still be connected to my class mates and on the night of first Ramzan she saw it and cursed at then hit me, although my father said it's fine you can use it but she didn't care and after than that she would tell my father bad things about me and what type of bad things I can do with that man (I didn't contact him after my father said no) and i remember her saying "padhai rukwao iski" thi this isn't the very first time she taunted on my education she always does, my mental health got so worse in just a span of 5 days after her beating me that suicide looked way easier than living with her and this isn't the first time I have considered that as an option, it was when I was 11, i remember her taunting me that she would get me married and then I'll know what I have lost and would realise my (aukat) and once one I said to her please don't say that it feels like a treat she said "every parent wants their kids to get married for a happy life" I was confused like you literally say that to me when you want me to get scared.

My father noticed my behaviour on 5th on Ramzan and he came to me asked what happened why do I look so depressed and i told him with tears covering my face and i saw the pain on my father's pain and attempt to suicide sliped my tounge and then my consoled me and since then he have been my mental supportor, I don't talk to my mother and yes she doesn't leave a chance to taunt me and say bad things about me to my father but he still takes care of me even more than before.

And today she taunted that I only talk good to my father because I will get money from him and so on. It is so bad that I am currently preparing for jnu one year course and she knows and I heard her talking to my cousin saying "hum nahi Jane denge use, esi rakhenge apni nazron k samne, aukat yaad dilaenge use uski" when I told this to my father, iwas crying and he said "don't pay mind to her words". I also told my father that I don't love my mother, I loved her so much ya rab, I loved her so much i used to check if she is alive midnight, i would tell her everything about my life but see where we are now.

Now am i the a hole for not loving her? And not apologizing to her?