I’m a 23M and come from a decently sized family (about 4 siblings). All my siblings are similar age to me, so we have gone through the same shit with him together. For context my dad was in the military and was stationed overseas for 2 years in the Middle East(1 year when I was very little and another when I was a bit older) and suffers PTSD and a myriad of other issues from it (alcoholism, etc).

When I was little (like 5-8) my dad would sometimes grab me by my arm to “move me” when he got upset with me. It really hurt and I used to cry to my mom that he “hit me” even though that’s not entirely true, that’s the best way I could describe it as a 7 year old. I remember multiple times being home alone with him after and incident like this while my mom was running errands and crying out my bedroom window in hopes my mom could here me from wherever she was so she could comfort me (obviously she couldn’t). These are the only times he’s been physical with us. When I was younger my dad also used to scream and yell at me to stop crying (which would ofc make me cry more)

I’ve lost count of the times I’ve heard my dad yell at my mother and make her cry, I’ve also lost track of the times my dad would scream throughout the house that we (me and my siblings) were a bunch of “lazy fucks” “little assholes” or whatever insult he could think of that day because someone forgot to take out the trash for the tenth time. And when I say scream, I mean he’d yell it from downstairs and I can hear it from my bedroom on the other side of the house easily. THIS behavior continues to happen towards my mother and anyone who lives in the house with him (I moved out a few months ago, even though it would be financially smarter to live at home I just couldn’t do it anymore and was tired of walking on eggshells) as recently as a month before moving out my dad yelled curse words and insults from downstairs because I accidentally forgot an empty candy box on the kitchen table and left a drawer open (I have adhd and sometimes forget stupid things like this)

This being said my dad has also put in years of work to better himself (cause my mom threatened divorce if he didn’t) he’s actually been sober for over a year at this point. And his outbursts, though still regular, are not as often or bad as when I was younger.

On top of this we have his political views. One of my brothers is gay and he absolutely hates this. He thought my brother’s boyfriend was manipulating my brother to be together, etc. typical homophobic stuff. He hasn’t been openly homophobic towards him in years (that I’ve seen). But I know my brother has trauma from him because of that issue specifically. My dad is a massive Trump supporter. Used to talk about how he wishes Obama got shot in the head in front of me, and also has said things to me such as “white people date white people, and black people date black people” He watches Fox News 24/7 and loves it. (Also one time we were camping, we were around a campfire and he was drinking, I don’t remember what was said but he angrily yelled at us that we were all “socialists” and he went to bed lmao)

I still do love my father despite everything, because with all the bad still comes the good. He would always be open about how much he loves me, give me hugs, and tell me how proud he was of me etc. he recently bought me a ton of supplies for my new apartment which I appreciate. I am very grateful for the support he provided me over the years and I know he loves me and puts in effort to show it but I have a hard time getting over my past trauma with him and his continuous behavior towards my mother and siblings who still live with him. (Tbf he does always apologize after an outburst now, and I know he feels bad about it and regrets it after it happens)

My mother says I should be more charitable and forgiving because it’s his ptsd symptoms that cause him to lash out and he’s put in a lot of work to control it and not yell as much.

I just have a hard time getting past my trauma with him and still find myself habitually feeling scared of him as I sometimes felt as a child. On top of this it took me years to recognize I have trauma from this in the first place and I often make excuses for him in my head and was in denial about this at all until a couple years ago. My mom wants me to invite him over to my apartment to show him around which I may do to make her happy but don’t want to. My mother still loves him, and I feel bad for not really caring to have him in my life because I know it hurts him when he feels left out of stuff involving his children and he really wants me in his life because he loves me (my mother has assured me he loves me many times, my parents are still together. So AITA for wanting to keep my father at a distance after moving out? I do feel like one tbh