(New to reddit) I 29F work at a mid-sized tech company, and recently a job opened up on my team. A good friend of mine, Jess 30F, who’s been job hunting for a while, asked me to refer her.

Here’s the thing Jess and I have been friends for years, but we’ve never worked together. I know she’s smart and capable, but I’ve also seen her struggle with deadlines, take feedback very personally, and hop between jobs every year or so. I just didn’t feel confident vouching for her, especially since my team is small and hiring the wrong person would seriously impact us.

I tried to be honest but gentle. I told her I didn’t feel comfortable referring anyone I haven’t worked with directly, and that I’d be happy to help her review her resume or prep for interviews elsewhere.

She didn’t take it well. She said I was gatekeeping, that I didn’t believe in her, and that “if the roles were reversed,” she’d help me out in a heartbeat. Now mutual friends are asking why I didn’t just recommend her, and it’s turning into A Whole Thing.

I feel awful. I want her to succeed, but I also don’t want to put my reputation on the line for someone I wouldn’t personally hire.