TW: Minor mentions of suicidal ideation.

I'm (18f) not doing well mentally and I overthink a lot to the point where I lose sleep as well. I have nightmares during the nights i do manage to sleep. I'm so stressed all the time. I've tried to talk about this to my parents separately and together. Every single time, they made it about themselves and called me overdramatic. That I'm too young to have these feelings. That they've been my age before and know I'm just complaining. So I stopped talking about my feelings. Didn't tell them anything about my mental health struggles, etc. It's been a few years since and my mental health has been deteriorating. I'm undiagnosed so maybe I'm just projecting onto myself non-existent issues? I don't know. Their words are getting to me and I keep invalidating my emotions because of them.

I've been staying up late more frequently. I only go to bed around 12am. Maybe it's not that late, but it is considered extremely late to my parents. And I oversleep a lot. I've done everything I can change this and the conclusion I came to after talking to a school counsellor (without my parents' knowledge) last year was that I definitely need professional help. I've been having suicidal ideation for a while now but have yet to act on it. (I didn't tell this to the school counsellor because they'd have called my parents).

Fast forward to what triggered this post.

This happened last week. I was staying up late again, studying because I've got exams coming up and I need to catch up + it helps me keep my overthrowing at bay for a while. It wasn't that late in my opinion. 11.30pm. That was the time. I was sitting in the kitchen with the door closed since I didn't want the light to disturb my parents who'd already gone to bed. A bit later, my dad comes to the kitchen while I'm keeping my books and getting ready to try to go to bed "early" again to see if maybe this time, I'll finally be able to sleep and wake up properly. And he stands at the doorway and asks me "why don't you ever go to bed early no matter how many times you're being told do so". I apologised. It was late and I didn't want to argue or explain myself. I walk to the sink to wash the dishes I had told my mum I will wash but he doesn't leave. He continued to berate me. Called me inhumane, selfish, a terrible role model to my younger siblings, a disappointment, a disgrace, ungrateful, a couple of curse words, immature...and several more untrue things about my character. All of this because I wasn't asleep yet and he knew I won't wake up early in the morning tomorrow. And because sitting in the kitchen with the lights on is a waste of electricity.

I wanted to explain myself. I thought this would be a good time to try and explain to him that I was struggling. That I'm so exhausted every day. That basic tasks suck the life out of me. That I struggle to just be. But he got meaner and meaner so I ended up not speaking a single word. After he was done making me feel like shit, he went back to bed. I hadn't said a single word throughout. I washed the dishes in tears, went to my room, cried and ended up not sleeping well. The next morning (yes, i woke up late: 10.30am), I told myself I was done with the insults. That I wasn't going to talk to him until he apologises.

It's been over a week now. We haven't spoken a word. My mum tells me "you're not the one who's not speaking to him. He's the one who's not speaking to you". I never spoke a single word that night and I never spoke to him again after that. He had so much to say then, but now he suddenly has nothing to say. I do see the hypocrisy (not sure if that's the right word but I hope it's understood how I feel).

Today my dad tried to "talk" to me. My mum called me to their room to ask me to talk about school. I talked about school without directly addressing anyone and then went back to my room, thinking it was really weird. They never ask me about school. My mum came up to me after and said my dad was the one who asked her to do that because he was hoping I'd talk to him now. That he's really sad that he hasn't talked to me in over a week.

When I heard that, I felt really bad. My dad rarely gets sad and the fact that I'm the one making him sad, hurts. Maybe I'm too soft but I can't help it.

But I am still upset. The words he told me were untrue, uncalled for and just plain awful. All I am expecting is an apology. Just a small sorry would do. He doesn't have to explain what he said because truth is, I don't want to hear it. Because I know he meant every word he'd said that night. I just want an apology: "hey I'm sorry I scolded you so badly that night." That's it. That's all I want. But he won't. He's expecting me to initiate conversation and act all happy-go-lucky again with him when I've been dealing with this for so many years. He loves me. I won't deny that but I'm not sure anymore either. But for my mum to tell me that those words came from a place of love and concern, and that he was just angry when he said those things gives him no excuse. My mum tells me it's my fault. That if I'd just gone to bed early, none of this would have happened. She has a point but I'm really trying to fix it. They don't see that.

I am not angry at him. I do not know how to be. I am just upset. His words have been ringing in my head for the last week< and its been weighing me down so much. My sleep schedule's become even more worser than I thought possible. I've lost my already reduced appetite. I hate myself more than ever. And I want is an apology. I'm not asking him to take back what he said because that would be asking too much of him. A simple apology would suffice. But I can't ask him to apologise because he won't. More words would be said and I'll just end up getting even more upset.

So I come to Reddit to ask. AITAH if I still don't talk to him and wait for him to say something first? Am I doing too much? Should I let bygones be bygones? I don't know. I feel bad. I don't want to hurt him. But he hurt me and he always does when he's angry and I'm so tired of it. Every single time I just let it go. Hoping he'd stop one day. He never does.

I'm so lost on what to do.

Tldr; dad was really mean to me even though I'm struggling mentally and I finally tried to stand up for myself by not talking to him anymore. It's been over a week and my mum told me he's sad we're not talking which made me feel bad. And now I'm not sure if I'm being an asshole by not talking to him.