TLDR below.

My boyfriend (22M) and I (19F) have been together for 9 months. A recurring issue in our relationship has been his nicotine addiction. Earlier this year, he promised to quit — no more smoking, vaping, etc. But a couple months later, he admitted he’d been secretly vaping the entire time, especially when he was out with his friends.

When I found out, I told him I didn’t feel comfortable with him going out with his friends without me anymore — mostly because many of them smoke and have directly encouraged him to relapse in the past. He even told me once that when he doesn’t smoke with them, he feels left out and can’t really participate in the conversation. So obviously, I have trust issues around that.

During an emotional conversation, he suggested that he wouldn’t go out without me anymore — but we didn’t clarify whether that was temporary or permanent. Now, a few weeks later, he says it’s too controlling and that he needs to prove he can be trusted on his own, without my “supervision.”

I don’t believe that’s realistic. He hasn’t been able to prove that in the past 9 months, and I worry this is just an excuse to go back to old habits again.

To compromise, I suggested a 50/50 split: if he goes out without me one time, the next time he hangs out with his friends, I join. That way, he still has his independence, and I get a chance to observe how he acts with them and rebuild some trust. But even that was “too much” for him.

What’s made this worse is how I’ve seen him talk about me to his friends — especially his best friend. He’s shown texts where he talks about me like I’m controlling and overbearing, without ever acknowledging the reasons behind my concerns. I also saw messages between him and his best friend where they joke about convincing him to start smoking again and even push for him to break up with me. His best friend constantly echoes that — always suggesting he leave me instead of trying to work through things.

We’ve talked before about how this particular friend is a bad influence. He also smokes, has no real ambitions, and speaks about his own past relationship with zero self-reflection. It feels like every time my boyfriend vents to him, it just fuels the negativity instead of helping him grow or take accountability.

All of this has taken a huge emotional toll. I feel anxious around his friend group, worried about how he’s representing me, and like I’m being set up to be the bad guy just because I want to feel safe in the relationship again.

So now he’s saying I’m being controlling for not being okay with him going out solo. I genuinely feel like I’ve offered the most balanced compromise I could — one that gives both of us space and transparency. AITAH?

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TL;DR: My boyfriend relapsed on nicotine after promising to quit, mostly when out with friends who smoke. He suggested he wouldn’t go out without me anymore, but now says that’s too controlling. I offered a compromise where we split time 50/50 — half with me there, half without — to rebuild trust, but he says that’s still too much. Meanwhile, he’s been badmouthing me to his best friend, who encourages him to smoke and break up with me. AITAH for not wanting him to go out solo after all this?