Throwaway because… I actually haven’t ever used reddit before.

Also posting her because posting on R/RelationshipAdvice is a nightmare of rules and AI reading the text and assuming it’s automatically against the rules.

I, 23M have been in a 4-Year life relationship with Pepper (23M). We met in our freshman year and have dated throughout the entirety of college. Recently, Pepper brought up the fact that she wanted to have a threesome with another guy (nobody specific, just a threesome in general). This topic has come up before, and each time, I’ve expressed discomfort about it.

I don’t want to have a threesome with another guy out of jealousy and insecurity. It feels very gross to me. I don’t let jealously and insecurity affect anything else in our relationship (I don’t check her messages, track her or tell her who she can and cannot hangout with), but this really feels like a hard boundary. She keeps bringing up… occasionally, but assures me that she won’t make us do it if I don’t want to.

My issue is, is that I can tell she really wants this. This is clearly a fantasy for her, and it’s probably one of the biggest (if not the biggest) kinks for her. I want to get married soon, and she’s expressed that she wants the same. I want to make her happy, but realistically, I think watching another man bang her will make me lose my attraction to her. I don’t know why but this is an emotion I can’t seem to change.

The reason I feel guilty about this is because, when we first started dating, I was hypersexual (trauma related) and I was down to do some pretty non-vanilla stuff. As I’ve gotten older, I’m just not as interested in doing that anymore. As I’ve matured, handled my trauma and wanted to be more… moral? (????), I just don’t feel the same way about that stuff. I’m not really the depraved teenager I once was, and I wanna move away from that stuff because it isn’t healthy for me. She will tell me that she doesn’t mind this change and that she loves me… but I can read her really well… I can’t tell it makes her sad.

She will say yes when I propose, but I don’t want her to live an unfulfilling life. I cannot tell how important sex is to her because she runs away from conversations when they make her uncomfortable. We’ve talk about it a lot in therapy but she doesn’t seem to be making improvements in that department. This is frustrating because, where I’ve become a little more vanilla, she’s gone the opposite direction. I guess the more she’s gotten comfortable with me, the braver she’s gotten. She’s expressed wanting to get more kinky, and some of it makes me uncomfortable (primarily bringing up our sex lives around her female friends/wanting to be naked in front of her female friends) but I would’ve been more receptive to it years ago. I don’t wanna seem disingenuous or like I’m walking back words from when we first started dating… but clearly a lot has changed.

I ashamed to admit that I haven’t been consistent with my feelings in the past. I wasn’t firm about my feelings before, and I think that led her on about this fantasy. I let her talk me through some fantasies (wont get specific out of respect for her) and i’ve lukewarmly allowed it. Knowing she likes it, I’ve talked the fantasy before as a sort of dirty talk (which I can tell worked) but holy cow it felt so gross… so I stopped.

Ultimately, I’m not gonna let it happen. We are not going to have a threesome with another guy. She asked me if I’d do it with a girl, and I specifically said: “yes, but i understand that I’m being hypocritical so I’d never ask you to do that.” That distinction is easy for me because, my monkey brain tells me I cannot be replaced by a girl, but a guy could replace me. But once again, out of respect for the situation, I’d rather no threesome with anyone ever happen—regardless of gender.

Note: I have full trust in her. I have access to all of her stuff, and she has access to all of mine. There’s never been an issue anywhere close to cheating…I’m not cheating, and I know she isn’t either. I just don’t want her to wake up when she’s 30 and hate me because I didn’t let her “live her life.” I also don’t want her to try this, love it, and me not (thus me making her settle in life).

It’s creating a little bit of hurt on my end because (monkey brain again), it feels like she is telling me: “hey, I want to sleep with other men because you can’t give me what I need”

So, AITAH? Is our relationship in trouble?