Obligated appologies for formate, I'm on mobile and first time poster.

TLDR: AITAH for not formally breaking off an on and off situationship of a year for my own safety and sanity with no formal titles after constant ignoring and neglect of my emotions in favor of his own and a lack of emotion and romance/flirting exchanged or reciprocated.

I (19f) and this guy, who I'm gonna call J(20m), have been involved with each other on and off for over a year now. For context on our relationship we met at work, we are coworkers in different departments in a retail space. He was my work crush, but I wasn't looking for a relationship at the time wanting to work on myself. However he found my social medias and we got to talking when he checked on me after a traumatic event. I was tipsy and started flirting and he was receptive and it grew into something deeper before he cut it off for multiple reasons- classic "its not you its me", which to be fair it was, but I also learned his ex (an acquaintance of mine) had made him feel guilty for no reason about getting with me. That one was the first strike: his ex confronted me over social media about a nonexistent betrayal.Told me shes was moving into him (a real plan he never told me about until a year later) and the we were both evil for getting together, I told her if there was something between them I would step back because I wouldn't be the other woman and I knew he would chose her over me. He cut things off a day later.

We stayed civil for 8 months, going from not acknowledging each other to semi-freindly gestures and talking occasionally. He would post things and do things that he later admitted were to keep me reeled in just enough I couldn't move on. And then in November, I got really visibly sick at work and he checked in on me and then confessed he was crazy without me and no one made him feel like I did. He appologizes, I accept. Blah blah. Things are good for a bit, hes flirty I'm flirty- it fades a little but hes still doing good at communicating which was a big issue before things ended. I tell him I don't wanna sleep with him right away, told him I wanted to try things slow because of how it ended and he seemed geniunely ok with that and hasn't mentioned it since. But he kept fading. I had to beg him to be my valentine, but he did get me flowers after work (most romantic thing he's done for me).

But it's gone down hill since, all flirting and romance is gone and all he does when he decides to message me and or talk to me its about work or money or something bad happening in his life or general complaints about life. The majority of the text I sent he would half pay attention to or not acknowledged at all if he was disinterested. He started calling for a bit but that was again mostly about him in one way or another. My last straws were two fold: My uncle died and I texted him shocked ofc, he left me on delivered for 16 hours and then when he did text it was complaining about sleeping not even acknowledging me at all I said "thats what you have ab that" he apologized and asked if we were close. Second straw was having to tell him three seperate time about a promotion I was offered/getting, which is major to me, and he can't even pay attention to me enough telling him all about it several times to remember it.

I'm tired of taking care of him for nothing, we have not had no labels and he was not receptive when I tried to clarify it. We have never been out on a date and never formally hung out outside of work. We have not been flirty or romantic with each other since valentines day barely. He has some negative mental health signs that he doesn't get help for and I don't want to triggor them with a formal break up that isn't warrented. I've responded to his text and been civil for nearly a month now but nothing else he hasn't really gotten the hint. He still complains randomly and he started just checking if I'm alive. I think today he's either having a break or a period of mania (BPD), he posted on his story for the first time in months ab meds working and second one 'oh to be her stupid boyfriend'. And he texted me about feeling better and how he wants to paint with me and how he notices there a lot more things he wants to do with two people. I asked him if he's sure about that because thats how hes acting with me, I've been on delivered for an hr and half and I know he isnt asleep.

I feel guilty about the lack of clarity I (and several ppl I confided in) think he isn't owed. So, am the AH for not wanting to be in whatever situation me and Josh are in and not clarifying that immediately and I could be handling this better? People I know say I'm in the right but unbiased opinions are needed. I also feel guilty because I'm the way he proves his negative idea about himself wrong and feels any connection to humanity because he despises his coworkers he doesn't keep friends and his family is at an emotional arms length.

I can add more red flag events I've dismissed if theres an interest.