I (19F) have been friends with Emily (20F) for about four years now. She moved to another country a couple of years ago, but at the time we weren’t super close. Funny enough, it was after she left that we started texting more often and really connected. We found out we had a so much in common, and for the first time in a long time, I felt like she genuinely enjoyed having me as a friend.

That meant a lot to me because I’ve always struggled with friendships. I was bullied as a kid, so it’s hard for me to believe people actually want to be friends with tme — I overthink a lot and doubt myself constantly. So having Emily around made me feel really happy and accepted. She’s also super confident and so cool and supportive so she did help me a lot and that’s why i love her and admire her so much. Now a few months ago, she gave me the amazing news that she’s moving back to my country, and I was more than excited. She was arriving right before my birthday, and that felt like the best gift ever. I didn’t care about throwing a party or getting presents, I just wanted to see her. I even wanted to go to the airport to welcome her, but I couldn’t because of my work schedule. Mow that did make me a little sad because i love the whole airport thing and then i saw her close friends went to meet her and felt like maybe she was expecting me there? maybe she didn’t but if it was me i’d be happy to see my best friends there after haven’t seen them in years so i felt bad.

Now before I talk about the birthday itself, here’s some context: Emily wasn’t able to work when she was in this class due to paperwork issues, and she had been feeling really down and isolated there. So, she decided to come back home, knowing she’d need to find a job ASAP because of financial pressure.

My birthday / The party:

My birthday was okay. Some people close to me forgot, which hurt in the moment, but looking back, I’ve made peace with that. What really hurt me was that Emily along with my other closest friends didn’t wish me a happy birthday at midnight. Although i know it’s not a big deal for some people, I always stay up to send them birthday messages at 00:00 because I love birthdays and try to make others feel special. I’m not doing it for something in return I just genuinely care. Still, it hurts when it feels like that love isn’t returned.

Another thing is that I don’t have a big friend group. I’m very extroverted and love making friends but they’re all from different circles. I don’t like mixing groups because it can be uncomfortable if they maybe end up not liking each other, but this year I really wanted to be with everyone because i haven’t celebrated my birthday like this since years ago. So I booked a restaurant and send the invitations. Most confirmed but two friends but I expected that since they’re not very social.

Emily asked me a few days before the party if it was okay that she didn’t bring a gift because she didn’t have money. I completely understood, I told her that her presence was more than enough and that I just wanted everyone to be happy and have fun. And truly, I wasn’t expecting gifts from anyone. Besides my best friend from school, no one ever gives me presents anyway. I always give gifts, even when it’s not a birthday, but I understand that money is a problem nowadays and I respect that. I’m also not materialistic at all. On my birthday one of my friends gave me a dog made of beads and post-its and another one a letter and I was over the moon, I love small and thoughtful things. So, it wasn’t about not getting a present. What really made me feel sad was that Emily didn’t seem to care much about my birthday at all. She messaged me midday, and it was a short message. That confused me because we’d been texting nonstop for months up until just a few days before my birthday. I sent her a whole paragraph for hers because i am like that now i’ve talk about this in therapy, i give too much and sometimes even too soon and it’s not healthy but i thought that maybe i was just overreacting about it so didn’t mind until now that everything kinda resurfaced)?. I guess I hoped she’d send something a little more meaningful.

And here’s where I started feeling really conflicted: since she’s been back, she’s been hanging out with her other friends quite a lot. But she hasn’t reached out once to make plans with me after my party. She told me before that she couldn’t go out or spend money until she found a job, which I completely understood but now I see her out often, and I can’t help but feel confused. I’m wondering if maybe I’m not as important to her as I thought i was or maybe it’s not a big deal, or maybe she’s not spending and someone is paying for her which is fine too but i just don’t understand. So now I’m left questioning everything. Am I wrong for feeling hurt or for expecting something more even just a small souvenir from her travels or a thoughtful birthday message? i mean we’re friends, four years… I feel like maybe this friendship is more one-sided than I realized, and I don’t know what to do about it.I know i should talk to her but i’m scared that i’m just overreacting and i’m in the wrong or maybe it’s just all in my head i really don’t know and i’m constantly sad about it, please help me with any advice, thank you.