So sorry in advance for the long post. I (53F) had a best friend (61M) for over a decade.

TBF I would not have said "no" to more than friendship, but I was content with friendship and had no Expectations of more. My pal is an introvert and possibly avoidant.

I noticed early on in our friendship that if I angered him or got 'too close' (ie, he felt too vulnerable) he'd avoid me for two days. I got used to this dynamic and shrugged it off as this-is-just-how-he-is.

If I'm being honest, it was very much a situationship. He'd get testy and mean when I dated or talked to other men. Since I was trying to not read too much into those instances it was another shrug and a 'he's just probably worried our friendship will lessen if I have a man in my life'---I rationalized sh*tty behavior.

He was the primary caregiver for his mom for quite a while and for a year-ish (the 3rd before the end of the friendship) he just did not have the spoons for any type of friendship. I reached out every week or three to check up on him, remind him I'd be there when he wasn't so overly stressed.

He finally came back but I noticed that our dynamic had always been fairly lopsided, me doing the reaching out, me being there for him (he would literally ghost me if *I* had something that was bothering me-- which, fine, I had other friends and I can still care about someone else without 50/50 reciprocity). In short, I understand that my pal had the emotional maturity of a wet dishrag and still accepted that as who he is. Was it toxic? Well, yeah. But not so badly that I felt changes needed to be made.

The final two years of our friendship he (and to be clear he always assumed my thoughts, feelings, motivations- because talking would have led to discussions of emotions and they were forbidden) kept accusing me of throwing my desire for more in his face. (If I was it was 100% unintentional.) I did bring up the fact that when he said he didn't want to date anyone to me while he dated a woman (without telling me) that it was lying. We're grown, he could have said, "I don't want to date you." It would have hurt but being lied to is a far worse transgression.

It seemed like every 3-4 weeks he'd get a bug up his *ss and try to pick a fight with me. His mom had finally passed away and he had lost his job and was having a very difficult time finding a new one. Needing space and time to get your head on right, I can grant that. But this man could literally NOT hear the words I was saying, he was translating everything through some trauma lens and what he heard was not at all what I was saying.

He's one of those 'everybody hates me' folks. Look, I'm GenX, if I don't like you, I will tell you so, and why. I'm not some fake back stabby bitch and being treated like v2905 of back stabby bitch was starting to get old. I'd never done anything to deserve the mistrust.

Finally, I snapped. I admit I may have gone overboard with the 'and another thing...'s but I do have a temper. And I'd protected him from mine for long enough. He stopped talking to me in 1/24. He sent me a message wherein he basically exited stage left. I reached out a few times to remind him that I don't hate him, but I do have feelings, emotions, my own baggage too (earning love is my duffle bag, proving myself worthy is a shipping container---I've unpacked that luggage in the interim).

The point I'm at now is I am healthier without mixed signals and breadcrumbs BUT he was my best friend. I did/do love him. I wasn't the only friend he ghosted. Every friend that he had that I knew he ghosted as well. No one can get a response from him. And I know him well enough to know that he feels he is doing everyone a favor, he's a monster, the bad man. I don't want him alone feeling uncared for. No one should be so isolated.

TBC if he came back for friendship, I'd need to ease into it, and we'd have to communicate our definitions of friendship. There is a reason why 16 months after his exit I still think of him daily and worry about him. So, am I the asshole for reaching out or am I the asshole because I no longer am?