I'm a 43F with autism who is also an SA survivor. This is important later. My husband 55M is a self proclaimed porn and sex addict. He has been a porn addict for years before we got together. His porn addiction is severe. Like some of the most intense and graphic shit you could think of. He is also easily bored. So he constantly has to move on to more and more extreme shit to get off. I already have an issue with intimacy from being autistic, but even more so because of trauma. I already have a hard time with being touched, but I sacrifice so not to punish him for a crime he is not responsible for. BUT I do have boundaries I am not willing to cross for anyone. He was well informed of my boundaries from the beginning. Lately (over the past 3 years now), we have been fighting a lot more frequently over sex. He criticizes me during sex and always has. There's always complaints about how I do things or don't do enough of XYZ.

The problem is not him voicing what he likes and his desires. The problem is HOW he addresses it. He gets upset and starts yelling at me during sex telling me that I'm lazy in bed, sex with me is boring, and that he can't get off with me. He even went so far as to tell me the only way he can get off with me is to use dildos. These dildos keep getting bigger and bigger and it gets more and more painful. I have told him that I don't like it and he hurts me. I have also told him how the criticism has given me a complex and now I get physically ill at the very thought of having to have sex.

To add a little more context, he is very aggressive and violent during sex. He knows that I was SA'ed in a very violent way and I don't like to be screamed at, restrained, and dehumanized. I was very clear about my feelings and boundaries before we ever slept together so it's not like this is news to him. When I try to talk to him about it, he tells me that I'm just being mentally lazy and that if I loved him I should sacrifice for him and want to please him. He has also, in some of our more intense fights, told me that he didn't believe I was SA'ed, that I was just lying about it to cover up the fact that I was sleeping around because "women do that a lot". He also went so far as to tell me that all women secretly enjoy being SA'ed because women want to be dominated by a man. He has been divorced 4 times before marrying me.

I finally couldn't take it anymore and just told him that I have no sex drive and I don't like the things he likes during sex. He continues to ignore my feelings and violate my boundaries with no regard to my well being. At one point he hurt me so badly that I was bleeding heavily and in so much pain I was vomiting. We just got into another argument last weekend about sex. I had a migraine and a stomach bug and was extremely sick. He started screaming at me and demanding that I get up and please him. I explained that I did not feel well and I could barely stand up. He proceeded to tell me that I am taking advantage of him, that I'm using him for money, and that I am abusing him by not pleasing him. And that I should be waiting for him on my knees at the front door when he gets home from work, begging him to let me please him. He was 100% serious.

I recognize the red flags here, but I can't help but wonder if he's somewhat right. He quotes the bible to me a lot in regards to a wife's duty being to please her husband, and that a wife belongs to her husband, but I can't help how I feel. I was fine with "normal sex" and I gave in to some of the kinks after he wouldn't let them go. But the more I give in, the more extreme the demands get and even if I forced myself to do it, I would not be able to fake enjoyment which would set him off even more. He told me that he can't enjoy it if I'm not enjoying it and that faking it would be the worst thing I could do. But not doing it is also not an option. He is essentially demanding that I change who I am at my core to give him what he wants.

While I do agree that is my wifely duty to have sex with my husband, I do believe there are limits to that rule. Two of them being, if it includes a violation of our marriage vows or requires me to relive a traumatic event, it is off the table. AITAH?