My husband (55m) and myself (54f) have been married for 32 yrs and together since I was 19 yrs old. My husband Tom is an amazing man, but an extreme introvert, so I have been the social planner, greeting card sender and gift purchaser for both of our sides of the family. I couldn’t even count the thousands of hours of calls, handmade gifts, and holiday meals I have contributed over the years. I have never had any major problems with my in-laws, but they have never been supportive, even when I was taking care of my terminally ill mother and 2 small children, and then working my way through nursing school. (No offers of babysitting or meals, even though they only live 30 min from us). We even took money from our HELOC to keep them from losing their house d/t their financial mismanagement.

I share this background to show why I was so surprised to find out that my MIL did not consider me “in the family” in spite of 30 yrs of participation and contribution. Tom’s uncle, Ned, died of COVID in 2022. His wife, Claire (my MIL’s sister) was devastated and decided that she couldn’t deal with a lot of people at his internment. She only wanted Tom, his sister, her own daughter and husband and my MIL and FIL to attend(not d/t COVID rules, just her preference). No problem.

My problem came when my MIL explained that, “It was nothing personal that I’m not invited, its just because she only wants ‘family’ there and since I’m not ‘family’,” of course I can’t come. I chalked it up to poor wording, but for the next 4-5 phone conversations, she kept saying “nothing personal; it’s just for family” multiple times each conversation. She kept talking about the lovely luncheon they were going to have after the event I am excluded from, which would be so nice for “the family” to catch up, etc. Tom did tell MIL to not refer to gatherings where I am not invited as “for family only”, but MIL talked over him like she always does, and never registered how insulting it was. How am I not “family” after 30+ yrs, 2 kids and decades of effort? She wasn’t mad or being vindictive, she was just calmly stating facts. She was acting like Tom is 20 yrs old and I am the “flavor of the month”, not his partner of 3 decades who LITERALLY saved his life and nursed him through a stroke (again without help) and all the aftermath!

I was crushed. Inclusion is really important to me and whenever I host a holiday, I make sure that friends and co-workers have a place to spend holidays and invite them to spend it at my house if they don’t have other plans. Shutting someone out is LITERALLY one of the worst things you can do to a human. My solution? If my MIL is going to treat me as my husband’s “Plus One”, I’m going to start acting like it. I told Tom that all of the cards, gifts and communication with his family are here forward his job and I will manage the same with my side of the family. I made him a list of all the birthdays, anniversaries etc that he needs to pay attention to and told him that if he wants to have us host something for his family, I will happily cook a lovely meal, but he is responsible for the invites, negotiating the menu, etc. I then sent a letter to my in-laws letting them know that Tom and I re-divided household duties, and he will now be managing all of the above and that they can contact him and not me regarding social stuff. Tom was not thrilled that he now was responsible for a genre that is difficult for him, but I told him that we could trade duties every 30 years and my 30 yrs are up. Lol.

We are now 3 yrs later, and when Tom says something about a holiday for his family, I remind him that is his arena and whatever he wants to do is fine with me. Lately he has been rolling his eyes and saying, “We’re STILL on this? You are REALLY holding a grudge!” Or “You really don’t want to let this go!” I don’t think I am holding a grudge, but this is the most hurtful thing ever put on me and I can’t forget how they view me. I don’t hate them or discourage his or my adult kids’ involvement with them, but if I’m “not in the family” then I am not going to invest my energy on people who do want me around. Is Tom right? Is 3 years long enough and I should let it go especially since they are oblivious and not going to change their view anyway? AITAH?

Edit: I would like to point out that my husband does have brain damage from his stroke, so writing things down, and reminding him are part of our normal life and needed for him to get through his day ok. He has a hard time with memory and verbal comprehension, so sometimes it takes him until after a conversation and talking with me, to understand what was said. This isn’t just when dealing with his mom, but for TV and movie plots and other situations. He is able to drive, work part time, exercise, but he does need help with problem solving and memory.