Some trigger warnings before I start this since I don’t want people being surprised. Hopefully I’m not missing anything: -Drug abuse/addiction -Mention of past parental death -Rape -General violence/burglary/domestic violence -Racism

Hey Reddit, I’ve never posted anything on here but I figured getting some outside opinions would be helpful for this. So I (20F) and my sister (14F) are not going to be attending our family’s Easter dinner today. The dinner will be my paternal grandma (we’ll call her Grandma H), our maternal grandma (Grandma J), our uncle and his wife, and our mom and her new fiancé. Some context as to why neither of us feel comfortable or safe at Easter dinner: Our mom still suffers with addiction, and while I don’t hate or think poorly of people who struggle with this, she still makes no effort to even acknowledge that she has a problem. She’s been addicted for over 20 years and is only 40 years old. She lacks any bit of empathy or awareness for others and always has. It’s truly baffling how the pain of those around her doesn’t affect her one bit. This isn’t a normal thing either for addicts, it’s truly other mental health stuff she suffers with. She is diagnosed with BPD (borderline personality disorder), and had a very rough childhood because of her father. While I sympathize with what she’s gone through, I’ve gotten to the point in my life where I refuse to keep letting her hurt me emotionally and mentally. She is an extremely violent and explosive person, though it’s luckily never been taken out on me physically. She did lose custody of me when I was about 2 years old because of her negligence that caused me to ingest her meth supply. I luckily survived without medical treatment because she didn’t tell anyone about it while I was actively suffering. My dad found out and immediately told my grandma H who then told my social worker and everything went from there. We’re going to call my sister Mia (fake name) for the sake of this. Mia is still under our mom’s custody, but she’s mostly been taken care of by grandma J and now Mia’s dad. We have different dads btw. My dad passed away suddenly on my 14th birthday in 2018. He lived in a different state and I hadn’t seen him physically in a few years because of the distance. Because of his death, my mom’s engagement has felt even worse, especially since she’s never said a word to me about his death. The anniversary of his death/my birthday is in one month. The worst part? My mother was single two months ago and was actively trying to get Mia’s dad to be with her again, even though he has a girlfriend. I saw the texts back in February because my mom was possibly going to be sent to prison. She somehow wasn’t, and is now on house arrest. None of our family have ever met her fiancé, and Mia plus Grandma H are the only ones who are supposed to know. My mom told Mia two days ago and showed her the $2,000 engagement ring. Mia immediately called me and told me everything after our mom dropped her back off. Grandma H is aware because it’s her house that Easter is being hosted at. My mom is planning on announcing the engagement at dinner tonight. Now, my mom is 40 years old and this man is 58, which is 4 years younger than my grandma H. I genuinely don’t understand why my mom is engaged since she’s never cared about marriage and had only married my dad because she was pregnant with me. This is also a concern of mine that she might also be pregnant by him. The only other time she’s been engaged was to Mia’s dad, so there’s a pattern there already. Some information about him: He’s Hispanic of some sort, which I don’t care about, but my mom is extremely racist. She’s said the N word with the hard R at the end many times, uses other slurs, and is especially racist towards Hispanic people by racially profiling them all the time. I don’t understand how she’s now engaged to a man who is Hispanic. Where I don’t feel safe around him though, is because of what I found out through some digging last night. In my state, everyone’s public records can just be searched up with their name. I put in his name and found some deeply scary shit. He’s been to prison for raping someone who he was working with, he has a burglary of the 1st degree charge, and has multiple domestic violence charges. Someone also has a restraining order against him which he has violated on multiple occasions. I think the way my mom and him know each other is through their drug addiction as well since he was charged once with the possession of meth (which my mom has sold and is her drug of choice). I don’t feel safe being near him, and I hate that he will be in my childhood home at all. I have my own apartment in the same city which luckily only my grandma H knows the address of. Here’s where I’m wondering if I’m going to be the asshole: I told my grandma H that I won’t be at dinner tonight. I am currently at her house helping her clean and set up. I’m leaving at 2:30 to pick up Mia by 3pm… but I won’t be bringing her to dinner. My grandma H still thinks I will be bringing Mia to dinner, but I told Mia about our mom’s fiancé’s charges and told her it was her choice if she felt comfortable still. Mia and I already had plans to try and leave early, so after learning this she didn’t want to go at all either. We will be having dinner somewhere with one of my friends at 6pm. I’m going to turn off my Life360 once I leave to pick up Mia, but I don’t think I should tell my grandma H. She was already upset that I’m not going to be at dinner and is trying to push me to still attend. If I tell her that Mia won’t be going either, she’ll probably lose it on me. I’m hoping that if I can just not show up, that she’ll figure it out and at least be around people when that happens. If she calls or texts me with questions, I will answer them honestly. I’m not trying to ghost her, but I don’t want her screaming and yelling at me either since that can be triggering for me. I’m already really depressed today because of everything with my mom, so I don’t want my grandma H to push me down more. So Reddit, AITAH for not telling anyone that Mia won’t be at Easter dinner, and that I won’t be showing up either? I’m mostly thinking about my Grandma H but I’m hoping to come down to her house once everyone is gone so Mia, Grandma H, and myself can still have some time together.