For starters, I (30F) am well aware I shouldn't be dating a married man (36M). When I met him years ago, we were both polyamorous at the time- he was single and I was partnered. Although there were sparks, I chose not to pursue a relationship with him as he had two kids, and I had a personal boundary around dating those with children.

Flashforward about three years, I began receiving phone calls from miscellaneous numbers; thinking it was just bill collectors, I let a lot of these calls go to voicemail. Eventually, I did answer, and to my surprise, it was him. I didn't understand the calls coming from random numbers, but apparently, I had his number blocked. He claimed he had been attempting to contact me for a while now; he had gotten married since I'd last spoken with him, but he told me he felt his marriage was a mistake, and he was currently going through the process of divorce. He told me he felt pressured by his wife to tie the knot, but after experiencing her controlling behavior, he no longer wanted to be in that monogamous relationship. I told him we could be friends because I do not date married men and at that time he was deployed, so we talked on the phone every day after that. I would ask how his divorce was coming and he would share with me that his wife was very manipulative, angry and controlling, and due to this, it was a slow process. I did see some text exchanges that led me to believe she does has anger issues and she has been physically abusive to him in the past, but of course I do not have the full story. After a few months of constantly chatting, I admit I was starting to feel butterflies. He invited me to visit him on the military base and of course, I said yes. It was an amazing two weeks and we made our relationship "official". This is when things become more challenging.

He believes his ex-wife is spiteful and capable of hurting his military career. He told me our relationship would have to remain a secret due to this, and I understood as I did not want to jeopardize his 14 year long career. It did seem strange to me at the time, however, that he would risk having me on base, but I ignored that red flag in my mind. When he came back from deployment in April, I offered that he move in with me. We are polyamorous and I do not mind typically when he leaves for dates or overnights, but the times he would stay at his ex-wife's- I would feel on edge. I explained to him how I was feeling and he tried to reassure me that they are done but that could only hold me over for so long. I set a timeframe for him to be officially divorced by May of the following year. If not, I would leave him.

Now, last week, he was spending time with his wife. He left our apartment on Thursday, and I texted him on Sunday morning to ask if he wanted dinner. He responded that he would like to have dinner with me. I was happy as we hadn't had a date night in a while, and I wanted to celebrate him finding a new job. I don't eat red meat, so I ordered a steak from one of his favorite restaurants and prepared everything else. I bought him some beer and a vape and I texted him before I left the store to see if he wanted anything else, but he never messaged me back. I cleaned our apartment, did our laundry for the week, and even lit some candles. I waited until 8:30 before I had dinner by myself. I admit I also had a few drinks. That same night, I decided to reach out to his ex-wife on Instagram. I told her that her husband has been cheating on her well over a year and then I threw all his clothes out the back door into the rain. He was really angry with me, the most angry I have ever seen him. He forced me to block her on all socials and told me that she was going to ruin his life. I never revealed my identity to her because I used my back up account and I did not share any names, but I asked him if they are getting a divorce, why would she care? He claimed she is just spiteful. I truly do not want him to be kicked out the military, but am I the asshole because I don't want to be a secret anymore?

Edit: His two children are from two different previous relationships.