(Posting on a throwaway account for privacy reasons) I (38F) have known my friend (41M) for roughly 15 years. We have been friends with benefits again and again throughout that time, but we were never in a committed relationship. Several times we went "no contact" and things were very much toxic for a long time. 2 years ago he contacted me again after a long pause (3 years no contact) and we finally managed to leave the past behind us. We talked openly and honestly and started building up a real friendship, based on trust and honesty. After a while it turned into friends with benefits again, and for around 6 months now we have basically been that. We both have a lot of baggage, trauma etc which we are trying to navigate, which is why we agreed to take things slow and not give this thing any big labels yet. He has huge commitment issues (aka he's scared of it) and my core issue is a fear of abandonment. But for the last 6 months things have been really good.

Now we have spent a week together for the first time and it was wonderful (usually it's only weekends because we're long distance). One evening we were invited to dinner by one of his co-workers, and it was a lovely evening. When we came home to his place that night he told me that he didn't like the way I joked about our relationship status. There was a moment when we were all joking around and I said something like "and that's why we're in a non-relationship". I was surprised when he told me that he did not appreciate me using that phrase, because we have made jokes (him even more than me) about his avoidance of calling it a "relationship" from day one and we frequently talk about it using phrases like "we're in a non-relationship" or "not the r-word". He often emphasizes how much he likes it that we currently "don't have any labels" for what we are.

But plottwist! Turns out that he has been telling everyone who isn't a close friend that I'm his girlfriend/partner. And he wants me to do the same. So I asked him if that means we're in an actual relationship now.

And that's when he got very defensive and passive aggressive. He just wants me to say that, aka lie to people about it, but he doesn't actually want me to actually be his partner. He does talk about being in an "official" relationship in the future though, and he even said himself that being in a relationship is "the goal" for him. He also said that the week we spent together "felt like a normal relationship" and that he liked it (it was the same for me). But me wanting it to then BE a relationship resulted in a very passive aggressive phone call, where he accused me of giving him an ultimatum of "either this is a relationship or we're done". Which I didn't. I emphasized multiple times that I don't want to end things between us. And also he thinks that I "suddenly care more about what others think" than about what's between us (because I don't want to lie to people).

He did apologise for being so passive aggressive and he thanked me several times for being honest and open with him. But we still ended the call with him saying he needs to think about things and that he "won't tell me that this is a relationship just like that". I also asked him what he thinks would change if this actually was a relationship, and the only answer he had was "it's a completely different commitment situation" but no further explanation of what that actually means. I don't want anything about what we are doing to change. I just don't want to lie to people and yes, I do want to be able to say I'm his partner without it being a lie. So if he doesn't want me to be that, then I'm not okay with him pretending otherwise in front of people.

I did say that I'm okay without any labels initially and to take things slow, but that was 6 months ago. And now I feel differently and even if we don't change the label - I am not okay with pretending or lying to people. I also feel like it's weird that it's such a big problem. I don't get it.

Am I the asshole here? Am I asking too much? Should I be okay with pretending/lying to other people?

TL;DR: I have an old friend (known for 15 years), we've been fwb in the past and now again for 6 months. He told co-workers and friends that I'm his girlfriend but doesn't actually want me to be his girlfriend. Wants me to lie to people about our relationship status. I don't want to do that. AITAH?