So back in November of last year, my friend, who lives in the UK met a new man who is currently incarcerated in America. He received a six year sentence for violating a protection order that was placed against him by his ex-wife. The protection order also consisted of his son and his two stepchildren that he had. This six year sentence was given because as per the court records, he was consistently violating the protection order and he accumulated other charges throughout his violations at such as harassment, stalking , and three counts of strangulation. The judge gave him a 20 year protection order. Prior to that he had also served 2 to 3 years in prison for the same thing with the same woman.

When I told her about this thinking that she didn’t know the ins and outs of his case . She said she knew everything and that his wife was just good at playing the victim. She also went on to say that she saw what the wife looks like and she looks very unstable and ugly and she looks like the type who would make up these kind of lies.

That triggered me because I’ve been in an abusive relationship and I know firsthand what it’s like to not be believed or minimized because the abuser is so good at putting on a good façade and charming the public. She also told me that her boyfriend explained the situation and in the end it seems like he is the victim and all of this. However, the court records showed differently. I’ll break it down.

Boyfriend: she was a heavy drinker and when she was drunk, she would beat me.

Court records: judge mandated HIM to stop drinking alcohol a day before (supervised) visits with his son.

Boyfriend: when the baby was two weeks old, she went as far as to attempt to stab me repeatedly.

Court records: The courts found that HE was the one who committed family violence and the ex presented evidence of her bruised throat due to strangulation. She was two weeks postpartum. Judge granted ex a restraining order. Judge mandated boyfriend to anger management classes

Boyfriend: I was visiting a former friend who lived in the area where she used to live, and someone called the police. I did not know that I was not allowed to be there given that she doesn’t live there anymore.

Court: specifically stated in the protection order where he can and cannot go. Given that someone called the police, my guess is that its the wife who was indeed there. Also, the charges were that he violated the protection order INTENTIONALLY.

Boyfriend: my ex-wife is unstable. She couldn’t even keep a house. She always moved from home to home and was mentally unwell.

Court + ex wife: documented that she her infant son and other children always had to move as he would keep stalking them and when he would find her he would strangle or assault her - this was WHILE protection orders were in place.

Boyfriend: is currently incarcerated

Ex wife: off living her best life, hopefully happy.

But anyway, he continues to play this narrative that she is crazy and unstable, and my friend is falling for it. She thinks that he was wrongly convicted that he is now riding in jail because of a psycho ex-wife. Meanwhile, the court records showed differently. The ex-wife doesn’t even have as much as a parking ticket. She has no criminal record, she was granted full custody of the son that they have together, and she managed to get a decades, long protection order against him to protect herself the baby and the two kids who are not biologically his. To my knowledge, the courts don’t give out protection orders easily, especially for that long.

Anyway, long story short. After two weeks of getting to know each other, they started talking about marriage, more kids, a nice big house in the suburbs and what not. He even goes on about how much he hates violence and how much he is such a nice guy and he’s always there to help others. And on the surface he is he is very nice. He is always offering to help. He’s always giving information. He looks like a very standup guy.

But I cannot help the fact that he is currently incarcerated and the files and files of court records and protection. Orders against him are just scaring me. The scarier part is that he has expressed wanting to reopen the custody file once he gets released to get custody of his son further re-traumatizing the ex-wife. My friend said that she will stand by him and assist him with that. Because as for her words, she wants the kid away from that crazy woman so they can live peacefully without her harassing them….

he is set to get released from prison the month of August, my friend will be coming to America to stay for the month and they are intending to get married during that month. Once she gets married and returns to the UK, she will arrange for herself and the kids to come to America to move in with him. Her kids are both elementary school aged And to my knowledge, they will start the sponsorship process for him to sponsor them.

I am against it as I’ve been a victim of domestic violence, and so has she. I am recognizing the love bombing and the red flags and the DARVO, where, as she is falling for the narrative of his ex-wife being crazy and deranged, and that he would never do that to her because she is the one for him. She is perfect for him and she is not as crazy as the wife. Even going as far as calling the wife, ugly and unstable. Someone who is healing from the trauma of domestic abuse and everything that the guy has done to her leading up to his six year prison sentence. To which my friend thinks he was innocent and that the wife is crazy and lied to the courts.

I cannot help but think that I cannot be friends with someone like that. Not only can I not be friends with someone like that, I am tempted to contact the authorities in America for them to try to step in as children will soon be involved. While he is a nice guy on the surface, mainly because he is in prison at the moment, it is not for no reason that he has a protection order against him protecting a woman and three children for decades.

So AITAH for wanting to end this friendship?