So I'm kind of at an impasse here. Me (32M) and my wife (28F) have been together for 7 years, married for 5. We have two kids, aged 4 and 2.

I work full-time, my wife is SAH due to disability. She has a condition which leaves her with chronic pain.

There's two problems that have both been festering, so to speak. First, my wife is a slob. I love her very much, and I get that her condition doesn't always allow her to do all the things neccesary in a household. But it's more than that; she never picks up after herself. Dirty dishes and utensils are strewn about the kitchen, it's always a guess where she's left her dirty clothes this time, trash never finds it's way into the trashcan. We've had fights about this. Her excuse is always the same: she'll pick it up later. Or she forgot. Or she just didn't see it. And later rarely (if ever) comes because she's tired, and she doesn't want to get up off the couch. I've told her many times that if she just picked up after herself, it would barely be an increase in effort: putting dirty dishes in the dishwasher instead of the sink for example, because they are literally right next to each other. And every we have this discussion, it always goes the same way: she tries for about a week but then reverts back to her old ways.

I've told her how much stress this puts on me. I work full-time, and when I get home I have to take care of the household as well. I do the laundry. I take care of the dishwasher. I take care of the trash. Nine times ouf of ten, I'm the one cooking and cleaning afterwards. I'm the one putting the kids to bed, except the days when I have a late shift. And I get it, she simply doesn't have the energy to do all those things all the time. But I feel like I have 3 kids to pick up after most days.

Because the energy she does have she puts into her hobby, which I understand. But apart from the standard and agreed upon one evening a week she goes to take lessons, it's usually every other day too. When I get home from work, that usually means she's going to do her thing. Leaving me with a messy house and no help.

The other issue is intimacy. I'm lucky if it happens twice a month. And just like the other issue, her excuse is largely that she's in pain or just doesn't feel like it most of the time. She's always had a slightly lower libido than mine, but it just keeps getting worse. I'm so used to rejection whenever I try to initiate, that I just...don't really try anymore. On the rare occasion she even thinks I might want intimacy, the most she can offer is a half-hearted handjob. It just isn't enough, and seems almost...disrespectful, I guess? I just don't know anymore.

I do love her. She's my person, and has been since the moment I met her. She's kind, adorable, wouldn't hurt a fly and she's a terrific mother (even though her confidence is so low that she never actually lets herself believe that). I worry what it would do to her psyche if I start talking about separation. But I think she needs a wake-up call.