So maybe a month ago my sister(in her 30s) said that a girl that worked next to her job had a dog and was giving the pups up for adoption, my niece and nephew had always wanted a pet (When they moved in with us: my mom (51), my brother (early 30s) and i (21 F) at that time we had a dog(Ginna F) and a cat(Freckles F). They loved Ginna and Freckles even if Freckles was a little (maybe a lot), grumpy, Ginna has was 8 or 9 years with us, she was the first one to die and it hurted because it felt like she was my reason to live, she was the one who greeted me at the door, barking, howling, jumping and grunting all excited to see me, she was my dog and no one understood why i was grieving for her, since that day i promised and I swore to myself that I wasn't going to have another dog or just a pet because I knew I wouldn't be able to love them like I loved her because, when someone doesn't like them or are trying not to show that they do, they know and i rather not have one because i thought and still think that would hurt them more.

Freckles died a couple weeks later because i couldn't get out of the house in time to save her, i heard her meowing and i saw the dogs pulling her like a rag in their mouths, the next day a boy knocked on my door, i never knew who he was but he asked if i a had a cat that maybe had runned away or something and i didn't told him what i saw, i just said yes and he said that he was burying his cat and beside him there was a white cat, black rings in the tail, ears and paws that was always with his, i just knew it was her. When i unlocked the door of the fence that day, i runned outside to look for her but even with my flashlight i couldn't see her anywhere it was probably 2 in the morning and very dark outside, she was literally steps away from my house and i couldn't find her. I had the hope she was at least giving her last breaths but when i got closer i saw how hurt she was. I grieved her too, probably harder since she was the last one, since the very first day that i got her home she was grumpy and only allowed me to pet her in the right spots, it took years for her to sit on my lap on her own, to fall asleep beside me, to allow me to pet her and touch her paws, so it was harder that time and if we add the guilt, it's worse.

For my fucking surprise, my brother's ex, while we were having a talk and a drink, she told me the next shit that changed a lot: "i also don't understand how your mom could just take Freckles and dump her somewhere on a lot, i thought it was your cat... i almost cried, i really got mad at your mom for that...", well guess what, april(fake name)? I feel the fucking same. How the fuck you think i felt when a stranger told me that my own mother whom i see as a person, a mother, as someone brave and as someone I would like to be in the future just reveals to me in a casual conversation that she lied to me saying that someone was going to adopt Ginna's pup and Freckles, just because my mom doesn't want pets?

She was MY pet, MY cat, i cleaned her, I bathed her, I took care of her, I played with her, I didn't give a shit that I'm allergic to cats, she was supposed to be mine just like Ginna and her puppies, now I don't know if Ginna's puppy was really adopted or left abandoned out there. My love, my affection and my trust for my mom changed too much that literally and without exaggerating, it hurt me to see her, I never had anything of my own, I didn't name my pets, she was the one, it didn't matter who took care of them she didn't even look at them unless they were pregnant, I worried when we went on trips and I would asked her several times if my brother left them food and water, the fact that that happened only reinforced that thought, i couldn't take care or my pets the way i wanted, i couldn't name them myself, i couldn't even have them inside the house, it also didn't mattered if i cleand them, she just didn't wanted to have a pet inside.

I love animals, I have a lot of empathy towards them, more than towards people. When i was a kid i used to be happy that a wild animal was killed for attacking someone, an 8 or 10th year old wouldn't understand why wild animals attack people doing nothing, the more i grew, the more i listened, i watched and informed myself about animals and to this day i still remember those news, now i understand that they feel just like we do, they have to protect not just their territory but themselves, their cubs, their group to survive, they attack to eat, to protect and educate the younger to survive the same, they get scared too. A puma can attack a person who's doing their daily routine and think they're are a threat, when the puma gets killed i feel bad because it was trying to survive, by maybe protecting it's territory or defend something, there is always something to defend and it's an instict.

Now, with Pacha(2 month M), he is mixed and is very big, probably standing in his hind paws he is the same size as my nephew(6), he eats a lot, he is very playfull, very energetic, he bites a lot though, he doesn't even let me cut his nails but they're not too long and it still hurts when we are wearing shorts, he doesn't have enough space because my brother has two cars, one that he uses and the other one that he's supposedly fixing and is in the garage, he doesn't fit in the wooden house that Ginna slept in, she was a chihuahua, he doesn't want the clothes that my sister gave him to not sleep in the cold concrete, he has a couple toys, only one vaccine because there is not enough money, the vet said that i shouldn't let him outside and not let him interact with other stray dogs. There is like an unspoken rule, "if it's yours, it's yours and only yours, you have a problem with it, you fix it on your own".

Pacha's next vaccine was supposed to be in april 9, my sister doesn't have enough money, he does get fed, she can buy his food, i have a job, not a good salary but i try to help, my phone is starting to show signs that it's old, not a problem it still works, no urgent, i want to buy shoes so i'm saving little by little, i want to buy underwear, not that is urgent but i still want to, i want to buy clothes too so i'm also saving, i have to pay the electricity or water bill that comes every month, i have to give my sister and ask my brother for money to buy groceries, i have to spend money on the bus to go to my job, i try to help my sister with Pacha but he's already too big and my brother doesn't listen to us when we tell him to sell the car or move it or it will get rusty and no one will buy it, but he only listens to his girlfriend... we are not going to ask her to convince him of moving his car. Pacha is going to be huge when he get to 3 years old, he will have no space, i try to train him but it's difficult, my sister uses a flip flop to "make him understand" by hitting his snout or butt.

I feel sad that my sister complaints about not having enough money for Pacha, she is concious about his size and that he would eat more, i told the kids to feed him and change his water, always keeping his bowl of water full. Mom also said that the point is to get Pacha used to her company because he's supposed to live with her, she also has made it clear that there needs to be someone else in the house to take care of him. I get frustrated every time i hear my sister complaint with: "You're so expensive, Pacha, you're gonna leave me broke", and she doesn't say it the hehe haha way, i have told her that maybe we can get him another home where there would be enough space for him but she said that she has already spend to much money on him to just give him to someone else. What?

I honestly don't feel anything towards Pacha but sadness that he just gets reprimended for literally everything, just like i fucking predicted it when Ginna and Freckles died, i feel bad for not loving him, though i like him, he's a good dog even if his bites hurt, he's cute and i like his floppy ear, it still hurts to look at his eyes because i remember them and i see him. I want him to live loved and comfortable, not here, i have had the thought of giving him up for adoption myself and not telling anyone, i know my sister would be mad but then would be relived that she doesn't have to spend her money on a third, but i don't want revenge, i'm still a little hurt and mad at them for doing that to me but i'm not going to that, i don't have the genuine feeling to do the same, i want them to know and i want them to understand and accept it but he's not my dog, i have no right on him.

I'm not on my period, i'm not hormonal in any way, i'm not depressed and see this whole situation like this (though, i'm still feeling heavily down from getting fired from a gallery cafe, probably my dream job for those feelings to be that strong and still active after a month or two. I don't think this changes anything). It's just what i see and hear, haven't tried anything, haven't spoke to anyone about this and i feel like i'm doing something bad without even doing it.

My own veredict to myself is i am an asshole... probably if i read this a second, third, fourth, fifth and maybe sixth time, my mind would change... between asshole and not asshole.

For more context or just the reason why even if i wrote it in the tittle: I have a house far from where we live and a woman was living there, obviously she paid me rent, we asked for the house and we gave her maybe a month to move out, when they left my mom went to live there so my sister thought she needed a dog to take care of the house when alone.