I need advice. Or maybe just to vent and feel validated. Or both. This is going to be a longer post but the dynamic with my fiancé’s family drives me crazy & I feel like I’m constantly forgotten about. I’ll give some context clues before I get into the specific instances that have really pushed me past my limits.

First of all, my FIL has basically zero friends because of his social issues. It’s very hard for him to think outside of his own train of thought, and because of it he’s had a hard time maintaining friends. My fiancé, bless his heart, is truly an empathetic person (well, apparently empathetic towards everyone except me lolololol) and genuinely wants to save his father from rejection, not having friends, etc.. my fiancé is literally his dad’s BFF. My FIL literally calls my fiancé several times a day and my fiancé will almost always pick up regardless of what we’re doing. I can’t tell you how many times he’s paused the show we’re watching at 8:30pm because his dad called… for the third time that day (and he expects to be able to just sit an endlessly chat about their fantasy football and things of the like).

Some more context: I’ve always been a fairly chill person. I hate a nag and I never want to be one. So much so that right after I found out I was pregnant, my fiancé went on 2 back to back week long trips. One with his friends and one with his dad. During this time, I was severely ill from pregnancy. While he was on the first trip with his friends, I was 8 weeks pregnant and landed up calling a friend to take me to the emergency room because I couldn’t stop vomiting, was dehydrated, and almost fainting. He knew all this, and still I was fine that he chose to go camping with his dad a week later for an entire week (in the mountains where he had no cell service). Looking back, I wonder if I should have been alarmed that he was so okay to leave me during such a fragile time? Who knows. I might be overthinking that bit.

A little more context: I have zero family within 2,000 miles of where we live so we’re ALWAYS with his family. AT LEAST twice a week. And that’s a minimum. Additionally, my fiancé and I have 2 babies. Our eldest just turned 2 and our youngest is 9 months. So we have a lot on our plate pretty much 24/7 just trying to take care of our kids and spend time with each other.

Last bit of context: my fiancé and I got pregnant with our first child only 7 months into dating. Because of this, I personally have a gaping hole of grief that I live with on a regular basis that my fiancé and I never had a proper life together before having children. I wanted at least 5 years together to be just us, travel, move into our first home together, have wild sex 3 times a day (not every day obviously haha) because we can and we aren’t sleep deprived, go on dates, etc. we didn’t get to do any of that and it’s something I struggle with often the more our relationship suffers.

Ok, now this is the last bit of context: I feel like an absolute shit bag most of the time for not liking my FIL because he’s a good person, and genuinely always wants to help us and be there for us. It’s just too much for me sometimes. But I do want to at least add that he does a lot for us. I feel like I have to make this point because my fiancé makes me feel as though I should be ok with everything his father does because he helps us, and my boundaries are constantly demonized.

So here are a few ways in which my fiancé and his father have made me feel unseen and forgotten.

1. My FIL scheduled his triple bypass surgery for literally 3 days after I gave birth to my first baby. It wasn’t an emergency, but it was necessary. The day his dad had the surgery, my fiancé was nervous and wanted to spend the day at the hospital with his dad. I was very understanding of this considering it was a pretty serious surgery. Nonetheless, I was terrified out of my mind to have a newborn and be home alone. I had no idea what I was doing and everything felt scary. My fiancé only had 2 weeks of PTO after our baby was born. His dad called every single day for the next 4 days asking for my fiancé to come and hangout with him at the hospital (I am not joking) all day, every day, so that he wouldn’t be bored and lonely. Without even asking me, my fiancé would just informed me that he would be going to spend time with his dad for the day. Finally by the 4th or 5th day of being home alone all by myself with a newborn, I asked my fiancé to spend more time at home. I didn’t even ask him not to go see his dad, I simply asked if he could just go for a few hours and then come home to be with me and the baby.

2. By FIL used to called a minimum of once a week and ask my fiancé to come to his house on a whim to help him with something around the house. Mind you, if we didn’t have babies this wouldn’t be the end of the world. But after a while, I was fucking sick of constantly being left on a whim to eat dinner alone and take care of the kids because my FIL is needy so I politely asked him if he could start calling one of his brothers to help from time to time.

3. My fiancé forgot my first Mother’s Day because his family was so preoccupied with planning Mother’s Day for their mom. Our baby was only 3 months at the time so I felt it should’ve been pretty obvious that it was my first Mother’s Day but I guess not? When we walked into dinner for my MIL on Mother’s Day, my FIL greeted me with “oh, I forgot it was Mother’s Day for you too”. Guys, I birthed the only grandchildren they have.

4. My FIL is regularly asking if him and my fiancé can hangout either just the two of them, or just the two of them and one of my children. I literally have no idea why he’s always excluding me and my second born.

5. My grandmother was in town visiting recently while I packed our house for us to move into a new house. She set my 9 month old baby on the bed, my baby rolled off, fell on her shoulder and broke her collar bone. Everyone, including my fiancé, insisted she was just being sensitive (because she’s a sensitive baby) but I knew something was wrong. I had to leave to take her to the emergency room at the same time my fiancé and FIL were scheduled to pick up our new washer and dryer (that my in-laws bought for us). I asked my fiancé if he could wrap things up as fast as possible because I didn’t want to be at the ER all day alone with our baby especially if something was wrong with her. Idk if I’m weak sauce for that, but I just don’t love doing these big things alone. I want my partner and father of my child there with me. But instead, his dad asked him if they could get breakfast together and that’s what they did. I called my fiancé, not knowing this, to see if he was almost done getting the washer and dryer and if he could come up to the hospital because this were starting to look serious and that’s when I found out he was sitting in a cafe with his dad waiting for their food.

At this point, I was irate. Let me explain. I was so fucking chill before we had babies and my fiancé loved this about me. I was so go with the flow about most things. I was happy a lot of the time, I was affectionate, I was playful, always down to watch football, a whole lot skinner than I am now, I was the whole goddamn package. Now I feel like a fat, ugly, burnt out mom. I feel unseen by my fiancé and his family often. To me, it’s basic cable to rush to the needs of your fiancé and babies before your dad, but it’s not basic cable for him and his family and I feel like I’m going insane. In a moment of explosion over all of this (and these aren’t all of the instances, just some that really stuck), I told my fiancé he acts like his dad is the one sucking his dick. This whole situation literally makes me feel like I’m breaking up him and his dad just by asking to feel like I’m his #1. My fiancé mopes around and asks me how often he’s allowed to see his family and it makes me furious because that’s not even the point. I don’t want to control him or tell him how often he can see his family. That’s weird as fuck. All I want is to feel like my fiancé prioritizes me the way he does for his family. He’ll drop everything and leave me at home alone for dinner with the kids to go help his dad push his mustang into the driveway, but won’t skip breakfast with his dad to come to the hospital with me and our baby.

Am I crazy? Or is this fucking insane? Do I have unrealistic expectations? Am I controlling and manipulative? Can therapy even fix this? I feel like someone’s going to be unhappy here no matter what. To prioritize me, my fiancé and his FIL act like I’m breaking them up and are so sad. In order to keep their relationship happy, I have to constantly feel like I’m 2nd fiddle. Guys, if I’m nuts just let me know. I’ll accept it and do the work to be better. But if I’m not crazy and this is insane, also let me know please.